Friend of the Bear

Pottery, cream tea and a walk through the park

2010-06-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

My candle holder! Yes, it is a tad uneven. But it was made in my first session and entirely freehand without planning or templates or anything. If I were to make another I would make a template to get it all even and perfect.

I think the carved scroll-y bits worked out very well. I used waaay too much glaze which ran down and kind of puddled on the base. But I think overall a good effect and I am using the scrolled carving idea on some other pieces. I love the way the glaze kind of "burns" on the edges.

It's annoying that the people who run the studio offer very little help on the glazing and I fear I may end up ruining many other pieces due to glazing problems. I made a little "organic" (read *lumpy* there) vase and dipped it in a matt white glaze which I then splattered with pink. The glaze turned out to be far too thin (and the pink couldn't be seen at all) - yet I had done it under the direct instruction of the guy who runs the studio. The end result just looks like an extremely lumpy grey thing - the lumpiness accentuated by the too thin glaze.

I was unhappy about it and I don't have room at home for, err, such ugliness, so they said they'd put it up for sale in their gallery ..... I told them I'd pay for someone to take it away lol. I forgot to photo it before I left, but I'm sure it'll still be there next week (no-one will be mad enough to buy it) so I'll try to remember to get a photo then. I think it will be headed for the bin anyway.

Said vase was the second thing I made. The firing and glazing processes all take a looooong time. The item has to completely dry out before it can go in the kiln, which takes time to fire up of course and several days to cool down before they can open the door. Then the item is treated with glaze and fired a second time. They do alternate first firing and glaze firings as they have to be done at different temperatures, and only one firing a week on average.

Pottery ain't quick folks!

Waiting for a first firing at the moment I have two bowls - one of which has butterflies impressed on the interior, the other with scroll carving on the inside. I also have two square planters I'm working on and a shell sculpture which may turn out to be a vase - I haven't decided yet.

On my way to the studio I passed these lovely Oriental Poppies which are some of my favourites though they are so fleeting, so I paused to capture them.

View from Debenhams cafe where I went with the Bear this week. You get a fair view of the Cathedral from here. You can see the hills in the distance that surround us.

We had a cream tea (I'm a sinner!) which, for those who don't know, involves a pot of tea (or coffee) with scones and jam and clotted cream. Unfortunately it didn't occur to me to take a photo. So here's a photo someone else took taken from this page (by a hotel about 5 miles from here) where you can read all about cream teas if you're a total masochist.

Bear loves clotted cream and always buys some when it's reduced. He rarely buys scones though so I don't know what he eats it on. I am not a big cream fan, so it's rare for me to eat it.

After that of course he wanted some fish and chips! As Bear wanted to avoid the traffic we walked there via a park. I haven't been in this park for a long time and was pleasantly surprised by some really beautiful planting. There were frilled Oriental Poppies, lupins, luscious roses ....

And finally, photos of the merry fish and chip shop where Bear is a regular customer - The Dolphin Fish Bar.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend!

Bearfriend xx

2010-06-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

Hi Dear Friends. Sorry to have been absent the last couple of weeks. I went into a sudden very low mood. I just felt totally sledgehammered by it. It's been particularly frustrating as I'd been feeling much more positive the two weeks prior to that. Wasn't anything to do with the weather either as it's been lovely and cold! The only way I can make sense of it was that my brain had to compensate for the positivity by making me feel really down for a while. Now, it seems, it's had enough of being down and it's allowing me to come out of it.

Yeah. I could really hate my brain!

So I have been sitting at the bottom of a black pit the last two weeks. But despite that I did manage to get to pottery both weeks. It was VERY difficult for me to get there, but I did enjoy it when I was actually in the studio. Last week's session was especially good as I worked for 4 hours straight and felt pretty confident in handling the clay - I'm making a shell type sculpture and some planters at the moment. I will put up photos in the future.

Award time!

This award was given to me by L at Rainbow Dreaming. She passed it on without making up any questions so I decided to use the questions given to her by Sparkle and Shine.

1. What would your perfect day consist of?

My perfect day as my life is now probably involves a bit of blogging, some time in the pottery studio, sitting in a cafe reading for a while - or going on a walk to see a bit of greenery.

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

A very large somewhat shapeless black T-shirt :(

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

Pottery and taking photos of my walks. Also blogging of course :)

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

Wellies are the most uncomfortable footwear ever, so it'd be barefoot on the beach.

5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?

No! But I like sitting under trees.

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

I would love to grow my own but have no garden (and allotments don't feel safe to me) so it has to be the supermarket.

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

No, my family are very boring.

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?

I would love a posh meal but I think we know what normally happens!

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

Water - which is pretty strange as I try to keep away from it as much as possible these days - I hate having a shower, or washing anything.

10. Do you believe in fairy's?

No!

People I would like to pass this award onto (should be 5 but WTH) All these people are on my blogroll (I hope!)

Sheilagh at Sixty is good
Stacia at Midlife Swimmer
Kate at Fabulous @ 50
Judith at The Art of Not Working
Suzi at SpunkySuzi
Paula at Paulawannacracker
Nora at The Choppy Sunflower
Sara at Edible
Tammy at From Fat to Fabulous
Karen at *Fitcetera*

This lovely award was given to me by Crystal Rainbow at Sparkle and Shine.

Exceptional blogs I'd like to pass this award onto:

Chrissie at A Healthy Mind and Healthy Body
Mr Stupid at Stupidation
Lola at Marine Snow
Wendy at New me: A Fresh Start
Shabana at Baili and I
Ellen at Weighting Around
Dan at Pavlov's Ape
Leslie at Something Brilliant is Brewing
Jack Sh*t at Jack Sh*t, Getting Fit

I was also awarded these two beauties by Cat at Crap on my shoes, egg in my pocket (and yarn on the needles). Thanks Cat!

I'm aware that most in my blogging community have received these already - so I'll just say that if you're a regular reader here and haven't received these awards already, then please-y squeezy feel free to take one or both of these for yourself - because you're all gorgeous!

***

This is an area of the Uni campus where they hold weddings. Wouldn't you just love to have your wedding photos here? The Wisterias are trained as standards. The scent was incredible.

A stone staircase leading down from there

Rhododendrons with a carpet of wild garlic

Hope all of you have a great week ahead!

Bearfriend xx

Hot and bothered

2010-05-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends. This last week has presented a number of challenges - and I'm happy to say that I've come out fighting! Fighting against the hell of the heat that is. I know many of you won't even think that mid 20s/70s C/F is any sort of heat to get hot and bothered about. But to me, having grown up in the north where summer was 2 months you mainly pretended were warm enough to wear summer clothes, this is just really uncomfortable.

Part of the reason is living in an uninsulated attic flat. The slate absorbs the heat of the sun and the air trapped between that and the plaster board heats up and can't escape. The walls feel hot and it takes many hours to cool down again. It is hell on earth. Getting through that is a real psychological strain.

Another difficulty is my lack of clothing. And not being able to wear my coat when I go out. It's sort of like a protection to me - and kids me into thinking I'm hiding the fat under it - which I am to a small extent.

I didn't go out Thursday as I was too done in after 4 days out in a row. So Friday was the day I had to confront the world sans coat. I'm so glad I bought those cropped trousers! I put a pair of those on and a long t-shirt and silk overshirt.

I searched for my sandals - which I put away in boxes at the end of every summer - and FINALLY found the pair I was looking for only to be presented with the shock of not being able to get my feet into them. I have worn them the last 3 summers - yet now I could no way squeeze my feet into them.

PANIC! No footwear!

I had to walk into town with my grubby flip flops on - the ones I only ever wear indoors. I must have put on quite a bit of weight even on my feet. Add to that water retention due to the heat ...

I bought the first pair of sandals I tried on in Evans - a triple E fitting - which is the widest you can get on the high street. They're gladiator style and I love them and think they look great - the multiple straps really disguise the puffiness. I've been out walking in them and on my feet for three hours at a time and they're perfect.

I've been out every day since. Saturday: took another bag of books to the charity chop and went clothes shopping. I found a pair of cargo pants in a charity shop which *just about* fit. I didn't try them on because it was too hot. Sunday: a walk in the evening taking photos - I was out for 3 hours but with a lot of stopping to take pictures. Monday: continuous walking in the evening lasting 1 hour 50 mins. When I'm in condition - and carrying less weight - I can do that walk in 1 hr 30 mins, so I have plenty of improvement to make.

The positive thing about the heat - I have no desire to eat chocolate! I have eaten NOTHING with added sugar in the last week. Lucky I'm not into ice-cream :)

I have been determined to confront the heat, and to confront my fear of going out. It took me 4 hours on Sunday to work up the courage to get out, but I did it.
***

Continuing my walk.

On the other side of the road are a few backs of Victorian terraces and some student halls of residence. All the time you get glimpses of the hills that surround the city - as here between the garage and some workshops.

At this point the path is waaaay above the road as you can see from the traffic sign (green oblong, middle right)

When that path comes back down to earth again ... thought I'd photo this for you as red cast iron always *does it* for me. GR means "George Regina" - all post boxes have the cipher of the monarch on them - so this one dates between 1910 and 1936 (yes I did bleeping well look those dates up!)

On the main road

The junction with the road which leads to the main campus

Looking up the road to Uni

Continuing on main road, on one side is this

And on the other side

And just so you don't start to think I live in Dingley Dell, here are some houses. Almshouses - built for the poor in Victorian times. They knew how to build chimneys in those days! They are flats for elderly people now. The modern building peeping behind is the college.

A little further on the same side

Other side of the road

And just over wall is the park where we went with the Bear's chips. I'll go back some other time to photo the fish and chip shop!

Just as a change from GREEN here's a sneak preview of my next lot of photos from a walk with the Bear. Some wisteria - which smelt fabulous!

***

Blimey. I've received FOUR awards in the last couple of weeks! I'll post details of all of those - plus all conditions next time - and think of some people to pass them onto.

Bearfriend xx

Edge of the city walk ... and a few chips :(

2010-05-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends. I've got out every day so far this week! On Monday I got a couple of jobs done in town, then I met up with the Bear. He was straight to the fish and chip shop of course. He got large chips and battered sausage and we each got a tea and went to sit in a park. "Eat the rest of these chips before they go cold" he said and I did, damn it :(

We went on a bit of a walk after that - along the path I showed you in the last post and through the uni grounds.

On Tue I did my laundry and hoovering and then went into town for another errand. I met the Bear again and we went to the pub (the converted chapel) and had tea. Luckily (!) he was in too bad a mood to eat anything so I escaped the dreaded chip shop.

That's the thing - I'd never go into a chip shop on my own. I would never buy myself fish and chips. It's only when I'm with the Bear and have to watch him eating it, that chips start moving in my direction (ok ok I'm not claiming involuntary movement here. Well maybe.)

Today I accompanied Mrs Bear to the dentist - only the seventh (or is it eighth? but whose counting) visit in the last 3 months. She is done now, we hope. Then I did another errand in town and got to pottery for about 3pm. I did 2 hours there - finishing a vase, glazing my candle holder and working on the pinch pot for my healer. Then I went to a cafe. I used to love going to cafes on my own and just watching people go by and reading a book or the newspaper. But these days I feel quite stressed in there and don't enjoy it.

I want to enjoy it again.

I don't feel stressed in a cafe with the Bear of course. I can go anywhere with him. I have some sort of special protection when he's there. It's called Love - my love for him. It's strange that this one way love makes me feel so safe - you'd think I'd need some reciprocation.
***

Continuing my walk (and just let me know when you've seen enough trees) ....

Just behind me was this and an opening onto a path

Then a track

Then out onto this field

Which has views to Dartmoor in the distance

Someone was having a bonfire in the valley

Walking along to the top of the field (and a sudden shot of sunshine)

These houses have amazing views

I walked next down the road on which those houses are on - but didn't feel comfortable taking photos of private houses. I took the one below of someone's hedge - beautiful combination of blossom and berries - and I felt guilty even doing that!

The end of that road peters out into a farmer's track

A border from someone's garden that spills onto the track

Looking up the track from this point

Continuing down in evening sunshine

A curious tree!

The track comes out onto one of the main roads into town

To be continued next time (if you can bear anymore).

Hope your week is going well so far.

Bearfriend xx

Wot no Bear?

2010-05-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

Hello friends. I've had a few days when I've unusually had quite a bit of energy. On Friday I was able to do some decluttering and threw out 3 bags of recycling, took 1 bag to the bottle bank (mainly jars!), and had four bags of books and a bag of old sindy stuff to go to the charity shop. The sindy stuff was given to me by the Bear as someone was throwing it in the bin, but it was mostly TLC and from the 1960s and I collect only late 1970s up to mid 80s. There were also a number of Pippa dolls, clothes and shoes in there. All could have been sold on Ebay - but I decided a whole year ago I would sell it and still hadn't done it. I've never sold anything on Ebay (though bought plenty of stuff!) and it just seemed like too much stress for very little money given that the doll stuff was in poor condition and I find parcelling things up takes hours. Then there is the stress of having to go into town to the post office. And the worry about the buyer being unhappy with what they've bought. So I decided to just give it away to be rid of it.
In my decluttering I sorted through a MOUNTAIN of mail which was mostly junk, so I'm totally caught up on that. I also cleared the kitchen table - I can now see my kitchen table!

On Saturday I wanted to get to the bank, but spent so long sorting papers - and the inevitable fear of leaving the house - that I was too late. So I took as many bags as I could carry to a charity shop. While I was there I spotted a butterfly stamp - just the very thing I wanted - to make a bowl in my pottery class with impressed butterflies on it for my healer's birthday present. I can't remember when exactly her birthday is but she's cancer so not too far in the future. Sadly I have only seen her once in the last 4 or 5 months due to various problems her end.

Anyway, while in the shop I FORCED myself to have a look through the clothes, but there was nothing I was interested in. I must have been fired up a bit because next I went into BHS determined to get something so I wouldn't have to wear my thick jersey trousers all summer.

A depressing experience! But that is why I have very few clothes. I made myself act AS IF I was one of those people on a "How to dress yourself" show. You know, if you're big get something that's fitted, shows off your curves etc etc etc. Well all the tops seemed to be fitted so I selected a few and tried them on. Not a success! They made my bust look ginormous and I looked as though I was about to topple forward at any moment. One top, that gathered in under the bust, made me look heavily pregnant.

I decided my straight down t-shirts are the best option as long as they skim and don't cling to the fat. They make me look less like a giant blob on legs than the fitted tops.

I couldn't get any proper trousers as I need a short fitting and I couldn't find a large enough size in the short range. I did manage to get a couple of pairs of cropped trousers. After trying on about 10 pairs.

All in all a sobering experience. But it might just give me the kick up the a*se I need to reduce my eating.

Yesterday I was supposed to be meeting the Bear. I rang him about 6 times with no answer and at 4pm gave up. I have been out very little in the last couple of weeks as he hasn't been out much. I realised I'd become reliant on him to be able to get out. And getting zero exercise for two weeks actually made me feel ill. I decided I had to get out on my own and have a walk. So I did.

And 100 yards from my front door I was caught in several minutes of VERY heavy rain - with even a few hail stones thrown in. I stood under a tree and my umbrella. But by the time it abated I was soaked up to the knees because the rain was bouncing off the pavement so much!

I was cursing and thinking things were against me as the one time I head out for a walk it's the heaviest rain ever.... But I carried on. The weather was very temperamental that day. There were showers but also periods of intense heat and sunshine.

To give myself some purpose in being out I took a load of photos for your enjoyment. I ended up wandering around for 3 hours. I felt good at the end of yesterday.

This path is a few minutes walk from the high street (split into cycle and walking)

View looking from path over to the University

Then I walked through the University grounds

The beauty of weeds!

View from a field behind the University. Between the University and the far hills lies the town.

Next time I'll continue the pictures of my walk from this point.

***

I was given this lovely award by Rainbow Dreaming. Thanks L! And an appropriate ending to a happy post!

Hope you've all had a good start to the week!

Bearfriend xx

Bears say "Send in the corgis ..."

2010-05-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks. So we wait with bated breath .... Well, not really. It's not that exciting. It's highly unlikely that any of the parties will be able to do a deal with one another. So I'm betting on a minority Conservative government. But for some reason they all feel like they have to shilly shally around for an unspecified period of time trying to make it look like they could actually work together.

And unbelievably there are a tiny percentage of people that think a proportional representation (PR) voting system would actually make life better. Doh! PR would mean we would never have anything other than a hung parliament. How on earth could that be better?

I had to laugh at the headline "Squatter in no. 10" Police say a 59 yr old man is refusing to leave a luxury apartment in central London ....

Gordo lost and yet he refuses to leave. Several BBC commentators have been cheekily saying they don't think his hands will have to be prized from the door of no. 10. Personally I'm not so sure. Presumably he will have to go when the Queen summons them all to ask WTF is going on. The Bear and I discussed how the Queen would be sitting there with her feet up watching the rolling news for a sign just like the rest of us, while passing pieces of smoked salmon to the corgis. The Bear said the corgis probably eat better than he does, which is true as they have a chef preparing meals specially for them. No kidding. Those corgis are vicious little creatures too, constantly nipping the footmen. *Bears* say if Gordo proves to be really reluctant she may have to send in the corgis ....

And while I wait I'm watching Lock, Stock and two Smoking Barrels. The schedulers are having a laugh aren't they. While Great Britain stares down the barrel of a BIIIIIIG financial hole the politicians are sitting round ineptly discussing whether they should change the voting system or not.

I love that film. But it does make London look like a bit of a grotbag. Brings back so many memories from living in the East End in the 90s. Many of the characters remind me of people I used to know.

Of course these days I only know nice cuddly people :)

***
More pictures from the uni grounds

The following are from a formal area of the grounds where they hold weddings and other special events

Pottery and a trip to Brixham

2010-04-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks. Thank you for all your lovely comments. You'll be happy to hear that I've rallied a bit the last few days. And I intend not to be dragged under by suicidal thoughts again. I am going to try to find a way to step out of that mindset when it next hits, which it will at some point. I need to find a different response to what often seem at the time very seductive thoughts. Mainly it's about not being able to see any future I want to be alive in. I know I do have a future. But when I feel very down I think that there is nothing ahead of me that is worth staying alive for. There are lots of components to these negative thoughts that I need to challenge when they arise. Like NOT feeling helpless because actually I CAN make a future that is worth living for. We all create our own lives to some extent. We all have some (though to differing degrees) choice over what the future will hold. Most especially, and fundamentally, we always have a choice as to how we view our lives. A shift in perspective can paint the whole world in a very different colour.

***
Yesterday I went to pottery and finished off my candle holder. I left it to dry out before it goes in the kiln. I will photo it when it is glazed because you won't be able to see the detail before then. I did some engraved decoration on it and I'm hoping the glaze will very artistically run into those bits and make it look interesting. I also started work on a new piece - a vase with frilled edges.

I'm slightly worried that it was the last occasion I will be seeing the lady who helps me get out. She has been working with me the last 6 months. Next week I will be going there on my own. But as the lovely lady who runs the studio pointed out: I won't be alone when I get there. The senior (as you Americans say, and much more respectful than "elderly" as we say) couple who run the studio are pure sweetness and gentleness. A true delight. And there have never been more than two other people in the studio whilst I've been there, which is great for me as it makes it social but not overwhelming.

I'm posting pictures today of a trip I made to Brixham back in the winter time. I didn't post it then due to my long absence from the internet. I took the same train that I went to Totnes on, but got off one stop earlier at Paignton and then took a bus for the final 4 miles (if that) to Brixham. That bus journey is a killer though! It took over half an hour crawling much of the way because the traffic is so heavy. For a while we were so stationary I thought there must have been an accident further on. But no, just normal early afternoon winter traffic. Unbelievable! You may remember my complaints of the traffic in Totnes. Too much traffic seems to be a continuing theme in my life. And if it's that bad in winter, I can't even begin to imagine how it would be in summer with all the tourists.

I apologise for posting so many photos - but I just love those blues so much that it was difficult to choose! Hope you enjoy them.

Views of Brixham harbour

Walking out along the quayside

The lifeboat

Walking out along the coast

Quite a bit of walking and some pottery!

2010-04-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks. The last week has been pretty rough. I had a couple of days when I was suicidal. And a couple more of feeling very depressed and helpless about everything. On the up side I have been getting out and about a lot - mainly though not entirely with the Bear. And I started pottery classes!

The lady who helps me get out has accompanied me twice to a class at a little private studio where they only charge 5 pounds a session - a session being up to 3 hours. Pretty good value. I'm going with her again tomorrow. I couldn't even think of what I was going to make before the session, but as soon as I got there I spotted a bhuddist type of candle holder (not made of clay) and decided to take inspiration from that. I was amazed at how easily I got into it. I was completely absorbed in the process very quickly. It's as though everything else from my mind vanished and there was only this moment and the clay I was working with. I loved it! I hope to finish my candleholder tomorrow. My hope is that I can do something very clever with the glazes to cover any inadequacies there might be in the sculpting! I also already have my next item planned - a vase. I will post photos as I finish things.

I am seeing the Bear quite a lot these days. He has been spending a lot of time out and about as a way of avoiding Mrs Bear - since their big public argument. Last week he spent many hours talking about leaving her, but I think things have calmed down now.

Being out with the Bear does tend to get me moving. We always walk somewhere, and even if not a long walk - any walk is better than just sitting at home. Which is what I'd be doing otherwise. Even gentle walking with plenty of standing around burns a lot more calories than sitting.

We've been up to the university grounds again taking photographs, some of which are below. Today we walked around that area again and the Bear kept complaining that the hills were killing him etc etc etc. But I keep reminding him it's good for his heart.

The down side is the near constant grumpiness and also the chips. The Bear never eats breakfast, or anything at all before I meet up with him in the afternoon and is therefore always starving and wanting to visit a fish and chip shop. Last week I realised that I was eating about half his chips every day - and he had started buying a large portion to compensate for what I was eating. Not good. And then there are the meals out. I mean the proper meals in pubs in the evenings. With chips. And many other high fat options. I decided to draw a line under this behaviour. I am happy to walk, drink tea and coffee, and sit outside with the Bear as much as he wants, but I will not be eating any more meals out. Because I don't really enjoy the food that much and it's costing me a lot of money to eat calories I don't need.

So today we went to M and S cafe and had drinks but no food as I refused to pay and the Bear won't pay their prices. After that he had to get some chips but I didn't tuck in with him and only had a very few at the end which he left. Then we went on a walk up and around a hill ending by sitting on a bench with a long view over the hills. Then we walked back down the hill, through the uni grounds and around town. A good lot of walking!

I had my evening meal at home of a less than 400cals thai curry and rice with a pyrex dish of veg. Followed by a Muller light yoghurt.

With the sudden boiling hot weather I am really motivated to reign my eating in and establish a good routine. Which is just as well because I can't even fit into Biggest Ever Trousers and am having wear jersey stretch trousers to encase my bulk. I also cannot see myself removing my coat in public any time soon which is a real drag. I manage to take it off at pottery class by immediately putting a very large apron on which I kid myself sort of disguises my size. I rely on my delusions!
***
Some sort of bog plant

Camellias

I tried to take some pictures of these ducks but they weren't ready for their close up and protested loudly while waddling away from me.

A tree with amazing peeling bark which the Bear informed me is a Eucalyptus tree.

Magnolias. They seem to grow especially well in this part of the country. Where I am from in the north they are very rare and difficult to grow.

There were many petals as well as furry bud casings on the ground - which I think look like abandoned mouse coats!

Bear meltdown and I hit the deck again

2010-04-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

When the Bear and I arranged to meet up today I didn't realise just how eventful the afternoon would turn out to be. And not in a good way.

The Bear was tetchy to start out with.

Yesterday I took Mrs Bear to the dentist for a root canal. Mr Bear cannot accompany her due to traumatic memories of his own dental treatment. Although such things are well in the past for him - it must be over 15 years since he had any drilling in his mouth and possibly much longer than that. But he's still traumatised! The only dental treatment he's accepted since I've known him is extraction. This accounts for the fact that he only has 3 teeth left (he wears falsies). But then he only had 6 teeth (or remains of) when I met him, so the loss of 3 teeth in 9 years is not so bad. I never cease to be amazed at how those teeth hang on in there, esp when all their fellows have long since departed.

Anyway Mrs Bear's treatment went smoothly enough. And we walked into town to meet up with the Bear. We went to Dingle's cafe - yes, I completely forgot how half the staff there had seen me laying on the wall the previous week. Anyway after at least half an hour of pleasant chit chat they were suddenly at each other's throats and it was a bitter full-on domestic. If looks could kill there'd have been two dead bodies in that cafe. I found myself in a somewhat difficult position! I tried to diffuse the situation as much as possible and eventually broke it up by suggesting we get Mrs Bear home as she wasn't feeling too well after the injections. Luckily it was only a 5 minute walk. I say luckily as they walked 4 metres apart, both in a very deep sulk and refusing to look at each other. At their place I waited outside the door for the Bear to re-emerge and heard snatches of them viciously tearing one another apart.

I stayed out with the Bear for many hours as he seriously did not want to go home. It turns out she had taken a valium for the dentist stress and the kickback from that may have contributed to the flare up.

So he came out today from a still difficult domestic atmosphere.

We went to the Post Office where he expected to withdraw a payment - but the cupboard was bare so to speak. There was 0.00 pounds in his account. Not a good amount. This was swiftly followed by a meltdown. The Bear's brain has an unfortunate tendency to short circuit all powers of thought and reasoning and simply hit the panic button - in which state he cannot hear or understand anything that is said to him. He just kept saying very loudly (or actually shouting) "I cannot understand what you are saying!" This was followed by much anger, shaking, a valium and a cup of very sweet tea. We spent over two hours trying to work out what the bleep had happened to his money. After much perusal of opaque and circuitous benefits letters, and an expensive phone call to the relevant department, it turned out the payment wasn't due until next week.

In an effort to turn things around we walked to the university grounds - which is the Bear's favourite place - to see if there was anything interesting to photograph. Luckily there was blossom aplenty and we both got into "flow" as it were, forgetting all our travails, just totally absorbed in the moment of capturing so many beautiful images. I haven't felt so much at peace in a long time.

Then as we were walking back from there I caught my foot in a small pothole on the pavement and went all my length. I couldn't help crying on top of all the stress of earlier. But there was no damage apart from the shock of it and slight grazes to my palms. Possibly I may get a bruise or two, but generally my fat cushioned me from the impact.

***

An unfortunate incident and the 1000yr old house

2010-04-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

An unfortunate incident occurred today. I went out to meet the Bear in town. I wasn't feeling too great before I set out but as I left the house I felt OK. It was a very sunny day and the Bear wanted to walk to the university grounds to take photos of any flowers or blossom that might be out.

I arrived at the square behind the high street - where the church ruins are that I showed you a while back - and perched on a wall to wait for him. This may have been my mistake. To sit down. Maybe if I'd kept moving I would have been OK.

After a few minutes he arrived and we chatted about where he had been that day and then my blood pressure went. I suddenly went hot and had that certain feeling that precedes part of my vision going black which is swiftly followed by unconsciousness. I immediately bent over my bag that was on the wall at the side of me. Getting down before I fall down is the name of the game in this situation. If I had blacked out I would have hit my head on a very hard granite wall or pavement. I ended up actually lying on top of the wall for about an hour feeling very ill and trying in vain to get my blood pressure up. I felt fairly desperate at the time as it was quite a long time to be unable to get up, and was starting to think that it was going to be an ambulance job - and indeed a group of workers at Dingles (House of Fraser department store) who were on their ciggie break nearby kept coming up and asking the Bear if we needed an ambulance calling. I suppose it was very nice of them to offer their concern (or maybe they thought it'd be bad for business if someone died just outside their store!) but at the time it was embarrassing esp for the Bear who had to keep explaining it was just my blood pressure.

I was lucky the Bear was there because it would certainly have been a hell of a lot worse if I'd been on my own. I would have been very vulnerable lying there on my own. Although someone would have called the police or an ambulance or both. The Bear rose to the occasion surprisingly and uncharacteristically well - going to the nearby outdoor cafe and getting some salt at my instruction - I usually carry some myself. But it didn't work this time. Then later when I felt fractionally better he went and got me a diet coke - I thought the caffeine might pick me up a bit. And he put a reassuring paw on my sizeable rump to stop me toppling off the wall and onto the flowerbed on the other side of it! Fat girl lying on top of a narrow wall - it must have been a fairly ridiculous sight!

The whole scenario was grimness itself. Usually getting my head and feet on the same level returns some blood to my head - although raising my feet above my head is the best position - but it wasn't possible in this situation. Still a whole hour unable to move. My body's going hardcore on me over this. It's saying enough is enough. We can take no more. This is my body's extreme stress response. While most people go into "flight or fight", I just keel over - the "injury response" as it's known. The body slowing the flow of blood so that less blood is lost from a wound. But of course there is no injury. Except when I crack my head on the floor.

Blood pressure can be deliberately manipulated. And sometimes by intense effort I can achieve this - but I failed miserably on this occasion.

If anyone knows an innovative way of raising blood pressure please let me know. I say innovative because I'm already doing all the sure fire techniques of being fat, eating plenty of salt and hardly getting any exercise, but it's just not helping at all. (Weight is not a factor in low blood pressure just in case anyone might think so.)

Finally, I was, by some miracle able to get up off the wall and the Bear walked me home. And now, many hours later I only feel mildly sick.

I really hope everyone else has had (or is having) a better day than I've had!
***
Some pictures of an almost 1000 year old house - which is now owned by the council - I wasn't peeking into private property! I took these photos quite a while back through one of the windows. It is situated on a quiet pedestrian alleyway.

The interior decor dates to the 1500s when the property went into private ownership - it was a monastery before that - but Henry VIII - he of the 6 wives - did away with the monasteries. The walls are covered in intricately painted panelling (obviously restored as it's very bright).

Close up on the panelling.

The ceiling is covered in strapwork - which is decorative plasterwork. Above the fireplace you can see what is probably a decorative plaster panel (it could also be carved stone - I am uncertain).

The pane of glass I took the photos through was obviously a more modern replacement. But many panes of glass in that window are very old with many imperfections (which are actually elongated trapped air bubbles) as you can see in this close up.

***

Thank you for all your sweet comments to the previous post. I really hope to catch up with all of you on your blogs very soon.

Sincere thanks

2010-04-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

Dear dear Friends - It has been a long time! I am so sorry to have been absent so long. Thank you so much for your messages of concern on the blog and via email. Yesterday was the first time I logged into my email in over a month. And today is the first time I have logged into blogger. Thank you for all your sweet messages.

I didn't mean to cause anyone any worry. I have a terrible tendency to isolate myself when things are tough. For my horoscope today Jonathon Cainer said "When we find life painful, we tend to put up barriers. Ultimately, these don't protect us. They just make us even more vulnerable." This is the story of my life. Sincere thanks to those of you who reached out to me.

So, what happened? My grandmother died - but before you leave messages of condolences - there's no need! She was a highly abusive character whom I had ceased to have contact with almost a decade ago. But the death of a major abuse figure is a major life event even though she wasn't a physical prescence in my life anymore. It also means that I am in uncharted territory.

I know what grief for the loss of a person is like - I grieved my mother for 5 years. Obviously I'm not upset that my grandmother is gone. But A LOT of stuff is coming to the surface - a whole lifetimes worth of stuff actually. And things in my head are totally unpredictable.

At first I was in shock and trying to get my head round it - seeing where it left me. Then I went through a time of feeling quite low - because I felt my life hadn't significantly changed in any way and I was disappointed. If she had died, say 3 years ago, I would have been dancing through the streets at the news. But I've been so ill the last couple of years that I've just completely gone beyond it (as the Bear says) ie gone beyond caring about anything very much that was outside my immediate existence.

Then there was a short period of euphoria. But for the last week it's as though my nerves have gone to pieces - I can't stand for very long due to low blood pressure. I have felt like I was going to be sick a lot of the time. I've spent much of the last week in bed.

I am still struggling to find any level ground. For example - yesterday I cried most of the day, then had constantly alternating moods late at night.

"It's a process!" as Billy Crystal keeps saying in Analyze this (I think it was in the sequel?) I know I will settle down e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y.

***
I hope all of you lovely people are doing well. I haven't read any blogs yet so I have a lot of catching up to do.

Once again, thank you Dear Friends for all your caring and concern. Bloggers really are the best people in the world!

I'll leave you tonight (as it is here) with images of an ancient oak door - dating from 1500. Appropriate because I hope I am stepping through a door from the past and into a new stage of my life (How's that for a bit of positive spin?!)

A close up on the detail of the carving.

Merrie England!

2010-02-19T19:06:00.000-08:00

Hi Folks. I got out today, on my own, at just after 3.30pm which is pretty brilliant for me. And I walked round taking photos for over 2 hours. Unfortunately it was overcast and even started hailing at one stage so the atmosphere of the photos is a little grim. Which may cause some of you to wonder why I have called this post Merrie England!

It's because the time when the timber framed buildings below were built is traditionally thought of as good times in our history. Why? Well the black death, otherwise known as bubonic plague, wiped out about a quarter of the population in England in the middle of the 14th century. Before the plague life was very hard with food shortages and much of the population living in serfdom. Landowners were able to set low rates of pay and treat the peasants (labourers) in any way they pleased. The peasants were not free, they were serfs in that the landowners could make demands on them they could not refuse. After the plague the shortage of labour pushed wages up, there was enough food for everyone, and plenty of abandoned land for individuals to take over and work for themselves. The absolute power of the landowners was broken and the feudal system was all but over by the end of the 14th century. The peasants had never had it so good (to coin Macmillan's phrase).

The plague gave those left alive the opportunity to prosper, work for themselves and generally make merry.

These are some timber framed buildings from the 15th century. The timber used is oak which naturally ages to a dark grey colour. The infilling would originally have been wattle and daub - woven wooden panels which were covered in a mixture of earth, straw, animal hair, clay, sand and possibly even some dung thrown in! Now of course, although the original wattle (woven panels) may still be there, the daub has been replaced with plaster - more durable and probably smells better!

The pathway up the hill is medieval being made more of pebbles than cobbles. There's also an old gas lamp now converted to electricity. Many original gas lamps can be seen around the city (you'll have seen them on other photos of mine) as this was one of the first places in England to have gas light - in 1815.

I went down this way to call in at the charity bookshop seen here on the right. On the left, the shop is a business owned by one of the Bear's sisters! The stone supports on which the first floor currently stands were put in at a later date presumably to stop the whole thing from collapsing.

Next door is a beautiful church built in the 15th century from the local red stone. I should say rebuilt as there has been a church on that spot since the 12th century.

Across the road is another timber framed building where you can see the original ground floor structure. It is called "The House that Moved" because it was moved to that position in 1961 when they built a new road. The whole building, being mainly wood, was rolled about 90 metres to its new position quite easily! It's now a bridal shop.

Previously some of the timberwork had been plastered over but this was stripped off revealing the original structure in all its glory.

Many wood framed buildings were remodelled in later times. This is an example of a property which has been entirely plastered over but you can still see each storey jutting over the one below.

Here is another example of original timber framing on the side of a building.

But the front of that building is entirely Georgian including the perfectly preserved shop front.

I have many more photos, but to finish today here are some photos of the converted pub from the last post showing the gallery with original pews, the main floor and the bar.

And the Regency gothic chapel next door

Gari experiment and pics of the pub!

2010-02-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

Hi Folks. I ran out of ground rice, that I make my porridge from, so I went to the asian shop where I buy it and they had changed supplier and the grain of the new stuff was too large for me. I looked round the shop to see if there was anything else I could use to make my porridge and I found something called Gari. It's made from the cassava root, a starchy tuber which is grown in subtropical regions. Gari is produced through a process of fermentation. It looks like small beige flakes. I thought, vegetable source starch - might be a healthy start to the day? So I bought some.

It microwaved with some milk into a thick porridge, but I have to say it didn't smell so great. It wasn't totally inedible, but I couldn't finish the whole bowl. Maybe it's an aquired taste? Maybe I'm just not used to it. It was a "Nil points" in the language of the European Song Contest. Let's just say that the next day I went out to a different shop and bought a 1.5 kg bag of ground rice.

Today my healer wasn't able to see me so I met up with the Bear again in this pub where we have been meeting a lot recently as the tea and coffee is cheap. Everything is cheap actually. Which accounts for the clientele. Which the Bear complained about quite a bit: "Company's rather low. Feels like the tide's gone out!"

He was in bad humour today. He complained about Valentine's day. He got her a card and nothing else. She got him a double photo frame which had a bear inbetween the frames and a pair of espresso cups and saucers. He was fuming that she'd spent 20 pounds! How many people would be upset to have money spent on them? The Bear doesn't like the way she wastes money, as he sees it.

Finally he finished the last section of the form that needed doing. I will photocopy it and post it tomorrow.

The pub was built as a Unitarian chapel in 1760 and is fairly unaltered since that time, both inside and out. The front aspect:

The side of the building where the beer garden is.

The beer garden is bordered on the other side by this building which is a Strawberry Hill Gothic chapel dating from the Regency period (1820). This is a delicate form of gothic architecture before it was adapted into much heavier forms by the Victorians. I will go back another time and take more photos of the front of it. It is a club for the marines now.

Inside the pub is one large double height room which has the original galleried area all round the sides. (The glass barriers were added during conversion to stop drunken people falling over!) Standing on the gallery I took this photo of the back wall of the chapel. Yes, the pulpit is still in place!

The hood of the pulpit is carved from a huge hunk of what looks like mahogony. The carving is superb. A representation of multiple swathes of fabric in an elaborate canopy.

The design on the stained glass is surprisingly delicate with classical motifs in the central panel.

I love those cute little angels!

A few of the pews which they have left in the gallery.

It's unfortunate I didn't have the confidence to photograph the bar area which is underneath the gallery. But people were starting to look at me and I didn't want to freak anyone out! (I had asked permission BTW.) This is the pub I went to to get on the internet when it was off at home as they give unlimited internet use. I prefer to sit up in the gallery so I'm away from the hustle and bustle and can see everything that's going on. Next time I go in I'll get a shot of the bar.

It annoyed me that I was unable to zoom in. Or even focus properly. I really need to get myself a camera. The Bear notified me that they have some in Argos on sale so I need to check it out.

PS All I drank in there was an orange juice. I was lucky that the Bear was too bad tempered to even eat. Normally I have to watch him eating something greasy with chips!

Busy week

2010-02-13T14:37:00.000-08:00

Hi Folks. I've had a stressful week dealing with Bear business. The Bear has had a lot going on. He was sent a letter by the housing association telling him the development where he lives will be refurbished and he will have to temporarily move out for this to happen. He has been very stressed over this. The letter gave no specifics but a couple of phone calls later I found out that they don't have any schedule for works yet but it will start later this year. I will try to negotiate a single move for him rather than moving out for 3 months and then back, because I'm not sure he will stand the strain otherwise. Only problem is that all the other residents are also eldery, mentally ill or physically handicapped so many of them can't cope with it either, so whether they will see him as a priority for a single move I don't know.

Then there is The Form (nothing to do with his housing). A whole booklet of questions to fill in for him. I spent over 2 hours on my own filling out answers on a practice form. I know most of the answers having known him intimately for 9 years. But some I wasn't sure, so we had over an hour together going through the practice form filling in the blanks. Then he had to write it out himself on the real form. The Bear has a slight spelling disability (his reading is not affected, only spelling), and I was getting very worried after about 2 pages of spelling out every other word for him. I said to the Bear, "This is as bad as pulling teeth"... then reconsidered, "OK, not quite as bad as that".

Mercifully after that his engine seemed to be running better and I was only spelling out every 4th or 5th word. Anyway, they will be used to any amount of terrible spelling so a few errors aren't really a problem. The Bear put in a stonking performance and we were through it in 2 1/2 hours - I thought it would take about 4! He can't have done that much writing in a very long time. The *bears* then cheekily asked him what the subject of his next book would be!

So after over 6 hours of work the next stage was to get it signed by the doctor which duly took place on Thursday when I accompanied him at his request. It's a long time since I accompanied the Bear on an app and I was apprehensive because sometimes he makes over the top demands or gets unreasonable. But this time it went OK. I asked for him to be referred for a CPN because I can't handle all the work and support involved with him moving. I had to go back the next day to collect the damn form.

It still needs a couple of sections writing in which I will have to do this weekend so it can be sent off early next week. I think we'll be glad to see the back of it!

I've seen the Bear on 3 days this week and he was surprisingly good tempered throughout. Which is practically unheard of. I was seriously stressed over it all, mainly the anticipation, though it turned out OK. The previous 2 weeks I had found him very draining due to his stress over the housing thing. I have been selfishly so grateful not to be Mrs Bear at this time. Although it has to be said I'm grateful on an average day not to be Mrs Bear. But recently they have been having some very nasty arguments (purely due to stress) and he has been thinking about splitting up with her. I think this would be a very bad idea - esp for me! Admitedly I think he has had this idea in his head for a little while now. The giveaway was when he learnt how to use the microwave.

Other indicators are talking about "doing something" with his hair, and losing some weight. He wants to look his best if he's going to be on the pull. He stopped dying his hair and long white-grey hair doesn't look too hot, so he told me he's thinking of getting a short cut - the name George Clooney was indeed mentioned. I think it will look quite distinguished. The *bears* say that "fur length" hair is just the thing this season so they're all for it.

The weight loss has occured mainly due to his teeth being painful and then subsequently worrying about catching the gum while it was healing. The last couple of years he has looked like he had the most enormous beach ball shoved up his jumper. Now it just looks like a small beach ball.

The big news apart from all this is that The Bear is Broody!!!! Yes really! Which is slightly another nail in the coffin of the current arrangement as she can't have them. I said, "At your time of life?" and he said that he'd reached the stage of life where you consider if you should have a baby before it's too late. (I might add that he does already have a grown up son only 2 years younger than me. But they haven't been in touch for a long time due to getting divorced when his son was still a small child.) Whether he is really serious or just using it as another thing against her, I'm not sure.

Well, that's been a big chunk of Bear hasn't it? What about me? Eating wise I haven't been doing too great this week. I have eaten my stress at several times during the week, although pulled back yesterday and today. On the up side I have been very physically active the last 5 days doing plenty of walking. Up the very big hill to my healer on Monday and walking through town afterwards, Tuesday I went on a walk lasting 1 1/4 hours in the evening, Wed I had 1/2 hour of fast walking going to see my CPN and then another 1/2 hour almost running to get back into town to meet the Bear (dripping in sweat by the time I got there). Thur and Fri I was walking around town with the Bear. He's kept me on my toes anyway!

***
I have tons of photos yet to post, but for today I thought I'd show you a few curiosities.

Elizabethan themed Trompe l'oeil painting on the side of a building on the High Street.

Intricate carving on the doorway of the Cathedral.

There are many small creatures and birds on the doorway. This little monkey is only half the size of my hand.

This creature is the same size. Do you think it's a dog? It's got a very bushy tail!

2 tiny little dragons!

Ancient passageway. The timber framing on the left is Elizabethan, the infilling of bricks is later.

Someone has done a cheeky Banksy style ghetto blaster on some of the infilling!

PS Hope you all have a great Valentine's Day tomorrow!

Saturday afternoon on the High Street

2010-02-06T14:41:00.000-08:00

Hi folks. I managed to get out into town on my own and took a load of photographs to share with you. I have been attempting to do this all week - and failed. Finally, success!

For this post I have concentrated on the High Street. I decided to start at the Guildhall. A sign informed me that this hall has been here for 800 years but the front was added at the end of the 16th century. (That annoying blur is a person)

Looking opposite it is a building as pretty as a chocolate box which is appropriate as Thorntons is a chocolate shop - no, I didn't go in! The shop fronts here are Victorian, but for the upper storeys, on the left is an old merchant's house (date 16th century or earlier) and on the right is a slice of classical elegance (18th century).

The upper storeys here are very early. And the two gables have shown a tendency to collapse towards one another - hence the two metal rods which are holding them apart!

Highly decorated upper storeys with painted woodwork, leaded light windows and a very cute balcony with a run of Gothic arches. These two buildings are sandwiched in by two modern brick buildings which are plain but in scale.

Showing the upper storeys jutting out over the High Street.

Further down the High Street I couldn't resist snapping a few pretty shop windows. A display of bags.

And a peak inside the shop at all the pretties!

Embellishment is still with us it seems. I hardly know what's current as I haven't taken part in fashion for what feels like quite a long time. At the back is a heavily embroidered tunic dress. The band under the bust on the front dress is made up entirely of seed beads.

***
My eating continues to improve. I have bought no chocolate for over a week now - I'm off chocolate! I have eaten plenty of chicken (I bought 2 ready cooked rotisserie chicken for 97p each!) and veg and salad. I am virtually gluten free, eating ground rice porridge with chopped prunes for breakfast. For my evening meal tonight I have haddock, plenty of veg and mashed potato. So good progress!

I also have a Happy Blogger Award from Alan at Fools Fitness for which I have to think up 10 things that make me happy.

Ten things that make me happy right now:

1) Eating clean

2) Taking remotely in focus photos

3) Wallace and Grommit - right this moment I'm watching The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. It happens to be one of the Bear's favourites! He particularly likes Lady Tottington because he loves a bit of upper class totty.

4) Noticing how beautiful the place I live is since trying to capture it on camera.

5) Thinking about my lace making again - I WILL get some photos done

6) Meeting up with the Bear in town (even though he's always in such a bad mood)

7) Reading what all my blogging friends are up to

8) Visiting my healer

9) Looking at my recently dyed red hair in the mirror

10) The satisfaction of finally getting a post up!

Thanks Alan!

Day trip to Totnes

2010-01-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

Hi Folks. Yesterday I sneaked a couple of snaps while I was waiting for the Bear in town. They were taken in a square just behind the high street. I wanted to show you the local pinky red stone. It's volcanic stone and all the earth round here is this colour. The pic is of a ruined church - ruined due to German bombing in WW2. The glass panels (in Gothic arch shape) are public art and contain embedded bits of pottery and glass dug up during various excavations around the city.

And here is a view showing a glimpse of the Cathedral.

***
Day trip to Totnes. Here are some classic views of Totnes High Street (taken by other people) from above and below the East gate. (The links given with photos are just to the webpage I found them on.)
By Mathew Walters

By Rutek

Over the last 7 months I have really struggled with going out. Just going to the shops round the corner was horrendously difficult for the second half of last year. I mean REALLY difficult. I went into town on very few occasions and only when I absolutely had to for some reason. I was intensely stressed when there and just wanted to get out ASAP.

I do find it easier to go out under cover of darkness. But I still have to force myself to do it.

So how on earth did I deal with a day trip to another town - half an hour away - on my own?

The night before I laid all night in the fetal position and hardly slept. But when I got up I was very focused and psyched up to do this thing so I was able to get myself out and walk to the train station - a good half hour walk. I felt just so much better when I was on the train. It helped that the scenery is stunning. I couldn't snap it as my camera phone couldn't cope with moving images. (It now occurs to me that I could have videoed it. Duh!) The views were of the estuary and harbours filled with yachts.

The view from the train taken by Ron Strutt

The track runs along the coast and I mean right on the very beach. The Victorians weren't going to be defeated by a bit of sea! In stormy weather the waves crash over the top of the train. It's quite incredible.

This is a video showing a section of my journey. It is a little blurry (on my computer at least) but does show the scenery and the pinky coloured cliffs. The sand is pale yellow - I don't know the answer to that one! Occasionally a steam train is shown but that only runs a few times a year. (Double click on the picture to get full screen)

And then the train turned inland again and we went through the country side and to Totnes. It was a half hour train journey.

I love being on the train. It's like time out of real life. That inbetween-ness.

Of course I was tense. But I was able to appreciate the scenery as well.

I spent quite a bit of time in Totnes when I was younger but I've only been there maybe 3 or 4 times in the last decade. I was unable to take any photos of the town because I just wasn't up to it. I decided to work my way up through the high street.

Here is a short video (not by me) showing some of the streets I walked through in Totnes

And I ended up walking all round the town on both sides of the river. So that was quite a few hours walking. Amazingly I had no trouble doing this amount of walking. Probably it was a huge amount of adrenalin that kept me going.

I did manage a couple of shots down by the river.

And then in the other direction

Looks idyllic huh? Without the roar of the traffic it would be. I went to Totnes to see if I wanted to live there and decided against it due to HUMUNGOUS traffic noise. I mean it was the worst noise I have ever heard. There is a heavy volume of traffic going through and round the town (the street shown on the video above is a restricted traffic area). But I couldn't account for the noise levels except that there is some problem with the road surface on the principle road. I thought maybe I am going over the top with this. But when I mentioned it to my healer, she completely agreed. Anyway, the volume of traffic was huge on a January afternoon, so I can't even imagine how bad it is at Easter or during the summer months when all the tourists are there.

Sad that so many places have been ruined by the traffic.

So that was disappointing but the day was in no way a fail. I didn't fall apart. I felt OK apart from a couple of moments - which were probably due to tiredness. I have a little confidence now that possibly I can visit other places and be OK.

I found a wonderful old bit of a programme on Totnes from the BBC made in 1978. It's 9 minutes long and is a real gem. Don't worry about the old white haired dude who appears in the 0.30s. He's only on for about 10 seconds and then you get back to some wonderful views of Totnes. The town is unchanged since the 1970s - except that the Gothic house is now painted yellow. It's really weird to think that I was there myself (as a child) only a couple of years after that programme was made. There are many other snippets from that series (click on "More from" to see list) and I'm guessing that most of them are as delightful. You'll have to click on the link as I couldn't embed it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsZPXrM7RcU

***
My food today contained no snacking and no chocolate which is a significant improvement. I have decided to go back to my mantra of "If I don't buy it I can't eat it". And also to avoid processed food. My evening meal tonight is roast chicken with a ton of veg and some mashed potato (yes! I'm a sinner!) I had the same last night and it was delicious.

So I'm definitely making moves in the right direction.

Snowpeople, a walk through the town, and an Elephant!

2010-01-28T14:55:00.000-08:00

When the snow came everyone immediately went out and built a snowman. Obviously. Most snowman are a little chubby. But this guy is in pretty good shape.

Ever seen a snowlady? You can see her perfect lips and even eyelashes - she's wearing mascara! The scarf was very pretty with roses and gold thread running through it. After the snowlady melted someone put it over a railing. The Bear *snaffled* it for me as a little souvenir!

***

I have been trying to think of 7 things about me for the award I received from Sheilagh. It was bl**dy difficult to dredge anything up!

My favourite film used to be Amadeus. I have watched it a hundred times probably. I don't know what my favourite film is these days.

My favourite drink used to be whisky or Amaretto + Bacardi + orange juice. But these days I prefer just neat Amaretto.

Despite lackadaisical attention to brushing I have no fillings in my teeth. A dentist told me 20 years ago I would never need any fillings and so far he is right. I do have an acid erosion problem though and have had several teeth covered in plastic to prevent further damage.

I make lace - or at least I used to before my hands got bad with psoriasis. Strangely enough, despite all my education, this little hobby (or waste of time as I often think of it) is possibly the biggest chance I have of ever earning any money again. I mean in the sense of teaching it in adult ed classes. Not that the money would be great due to the limited number of hours. I make Bucks Point lace for those in the know. I had also started learning Honiton lace before I had to give it up.

I went to art college before I did my degree. It was very hard work! Probably the hardest most consistent work I have ever done. And done while my mother was dying of cancer, my father had a cancer scare and my family were utterly opposed to me studying art and let me know it at every possible opportunity. Pressure or what?

I need salt! One summer night I was unable to sleep at all. I didn't know what the matter was. At last I got up and went to the salt jar. I ate two teaspoons of salt. I felt my whole body relax and say "Aaaahhhh!" I got back into bed and went straight to sleep.

Most special TV show ever (historical) - Fame! I was allowed to stay up specially late to watch it. I haven't seen it since then so I don't know how I'd find it now. But to me at that time it was My Dream. I've seen the film several times in adulthood but it's a lot sadder than the series.

***

Next time I really must tackle the Elephant in the room - my eating. Am I looking like an elephant? Yes! And I really want to eat better, but so far it hasn't happened. I am slowly making adjustments - eating a proper evening meal to prevent snacking. Trying to make a few better choices. But I am very unhappy with where I am on this. I am overeating, but not bingeing (thankfully) so far this year. My recent mental drop out didn't result in any mad eating. Just too many carbs at every single meal. I have not cared too much what I have been eating or how much. I just ate what I felt like and what I had in. But I am ready for change on this now. Enough bad eating already!

***

Walking through the streets at night. The entrance to Cathedral close with iron bridge dated 1815 connecting a walkway that runs across the top of the medieval city wall (origins of wall are Roman).

The city centre is built on (1st century) Roman foundations. The city was razed to the ground a thousand years ago and rebuilt by the Normans. But the Roman foundations are still there. The earliest parts of the buildings you can see on the right here are probably 13th century.

Cathedral built by the Normans in 12th and 13th century.

Medieval buildings on the right against Georgian stuccoed splendor on the left.

A walk down by the canal

2010-01-23T12:57:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, when the snow was fresh on the ground, the Bear wanted to go for a walk down by the canal so he could photograph it while it was frozen. When I met up with him he had his tripod in a wheel-along bag and several cameras hanging about his person. He meant business!

We walked along the quay and it looked so beautiful in that special winter sunshine. I wanted to keep taking photos along the way, which irritated the Bear no end. Because you know he is the photographer, not me. And he was set on his destination as being a spot some way down the canal where there are no buildings. Because he only photographs nature and anything built by humans is an offence to his delicate artistic sensibility.

There was anger and cross words every time I paused to capture a sight. I was under pressure to do it as quickly as I could to avoid making his temper even worse. After all, he would miss the light if I didn't get a move on ....

Standing on the quay looking down the river

Just beyond the lock so the water was not frozen here

Looking across the canal and river (they run parallel)

And back towards town

Further down the canal where it was frozen

The spot chosen by the Bear

By the time we reached the spot I was pretty pissed off with his attitude. Although it is typical really. Only he counts; only his photographs count.

We had walked past all the interesting sights on the quay, canal basin and boatyard to get to a place I considered really boring.

Normally, I would stand about there offering support in any way I could and suggesting good angles and ideas to him.

But this time was different. The day before I had forced myself out on my own in daylight in the snow to take some photos so I could show them to you. These were the first photos I had taken in over 15 years. The first time I used my camera phone which I got over 6 months ago. But as you know I find it difficult getting out in daylight so I was a little too late and hadn't really got many shots in good light. And the camera phone is very basic and can't handle low light at all well.

So I appreciate my teddy Bear wanting to be out and about with me - though he just wanted me there for moral support - because it enabled me to get out at a decent hour. Even though he was a grumpy Bear. But then he usually is.

I had to get my own shots. I couldn't let the opportunity go by. So I felt bad about it, but I left him there and walked back getting the photos of the boatyard I wanted.

Feeding frenzy!

2010-01-20T15:25:00.000-08:00

No, not me! The swans.

I took this standing on one side of the quay looking right down on top of them. They gathered as I was standing there in hope of food. This was over two weeks ago when the weather was at its coldest and they were desperately hungry. (None of the pics have been edited in any way)

Then they suddenly all started swimming over to the other side - a couple of people had some bread for them.

I followed them by walking over the bridge. There were ducks in there as well. The blurry white things above them are seagulls.

You can just see the little bit of snow that we had. I decided to get right in amongst them. The orange thing in the corner is the carrier bag of the person feeding them.

This guy looks a little bashful!

The Bear was with me and on my instruction had brought some bread so I fed them. The Bear put down some museli, and was very miffed when they completely ignored it. Even the seagulls. The Seagulls were a darn nuisance and they swooped on me several times. Strangely I have noticed that both the ducks and seagulls are absent in darkness, so that's the best time to feed the swans. Where do they go at night time? One of lifes great mysteries!

***
On Monday I took the Bear to the emergency dentist. He waited of course until the pain was un-bear-able. I tried to persuade him to go sooner but no. He had to wait until it was an emergency. The *bears* didn't even bother to try with him; they know the score.

The dentist inspired no confidence - in me at least. He was such a will-o-the-wisp he was barely there at all. Very unusual. Most dentists are quite gung-ho. Very much in control of the situation. Projecting strength and calmness. Sometimes an over the top performance, presumably to distract you from the horror of it all. This guy was floating through it so much I was terrified he was going to take the wrong teeth out. Which would have been a disaster considering how few the Bear has left.

Anyway, the Bear is now down 2 teeth. While most people would be upset at the loss, he feels no such qualms. In fact he lied a bit to get two taken out. The canine which was just a stump really did need extracting. The one next door to it would have lasted longer - though how long no-one can tell. And I don't even think it was hurting. Certainly he never mentioned it before that day. But he decided to have it out to save going back.

This is starting to sound a bit horrific. Or if you're in America, possibly you just think this is British dentistry. Really though it is the Bear's unwillingness to go to the dentist.

I have to say that if you are in a *shaky* mental state, it is probably better not to go to the dentist and witness teeth being pulled. Even if they are someone else's. I suffered some moments afterwards when I felt I was going to a bad place again, but managed to pull myself out of it quite swiftly. Lucky I had booked to see my healer later that day which prevented any further problems on that score.

I did ask the Bear if his girlfriend could accompany him but he said no. Of course she needs to see the dentist too. Two of her crowns (on the top at the front - could it be worse?) have fallen out. She is very visibly gappy right now. I cannot understand why she does nothing about it - they only need to be stuck back on/in. The *bears* think a tube of superglue would easily fix it. No doubt I will be taking her to the dentist soon as well. *Sigh*.

***
I have been given two blog awards! This from outdoor mom at Yaak Adventures

And this one from Sheilagh at Sixty by Sixty

Thank you so much ladies! I totally do not deserve them! I am supposed to tell you 7 things about myself for the latter, but this post is long enough already so I'll leave it until next time.

I am still catching up with my blog reading, so if I haven't got round to your's, I'll be there soon! Two weeks is a loooong time in blogland so it's taking me a while ...

Bears say hi ...

2010-01-18T04:47:00.000-08:00

So difficult to write this. I have been ill. I'm not even sure what has happened to me. And that is most unusual. For me not to fully understand what is going on. Usually, whatever state of illness I have been in, I've been able to observe it, analyse and understand it even as I was experiencing it. Some would say this is due to my prior learning, but I think it's as much due to my natural interest in the workings of the mind. I have strangely always enjoyed watching my own psychological process, no matter how distressed I have been. I find it fascinating, exciting even, to see the delicate workings of the mind unfolding. To see the usual pathways diverted. To feel what fragmentation feels like compared to wholeness. To see what is underneath the usual psychological set up. What is at the root of all of us, in other words.

But this last couple of weeks has been different. Blank. Numb. Shaking and crying. Unable to cope with anything or even think too much.

I'm not sure what to make of it. Hell, if I'm going to be mentally ill, I at least want it to be interesting. This has just been tediously boring.

I think it has been severe anxiety. Overwhelming. For what reason? Anxiety about the future.

I KNOW, I KNOW. If I could just stop worrying about the future, I'd actually be able to have a life right now.

But the fact is that I do need to make plans for the future and be able to see a way ahead from here. But every time I do that I just come up against this terrible anxiety until I give up on it. Not being able to make plans and change things over the last few years for this very reason has meant that I have been "stuck"; unable to move forward with my life. You might say, well life carries on anyway, whatever plans anyone makes - which is true of course. I'm still alive despite having no forward plans. But in order to have a life which is worth living I need desperately to make changes, and that requires planning, which is where I fall apart. Even on the planning.

Most people in reasonable mental health can at least do the planning stage, though many will not get further than that of course. It takes guts to make changes. Most can plan to leave a bad relationship, change their job, start their own business, blimey, even eat better and get some exercise! How many will actually carry it through? Most, not until it gets really desperate. I suppose that a lot of the time we are consoling ourselves with our plans, even when we feel unable to act of them. The consolation of the diet starting on Monday, or after whatever holiday it is. I will leave him when the kids are ___ age. I will start my own business after this recession/ when I have paid x% off the mortgage. So I'm not even getting the consolation. On the other hand these rationalisations allow us to carry on as we are. It means we can put off change for another day.

I have been putting off change for many years now. Of course, at times I have really been too ill to make significant change. At other times, circumstances have made the changes that I wanted impossible.

But generally, if I am being honest with myself, change of some sort has ALWAYS been possbible.

So my mission at the moment is to see change in a more positive light, so it doesn't scare the sh*t out of me.

Thank you so much to those people who have lefts comments and sent emails worried about where I am and what has happened to me. Thank you for caring so much and sticking with me. I hope to catch up with you all soon. I haven't even signed into blogger or read my email over the last couple of weeks. But, hopefully normal service will be resumed very soon.

The only light in my life recently has been the snow! Do these photos look cold enough or what? They have not been put through a filter or anything. They were taken in the park by the river. The huts on the other side of the river are the allotments.

Once again, thank you friends. I'll be visiting you all soon ....

Bearfriend xx

Cheery?! (*hic) And a story of bear fuelled insanity ...

2009-12-24T08:23:00.000-08:00

(Apology in advance: I discuss alcohol in a flippant manner in this post. If you have issues with alcohol then please take care over the holiday and don't, on any account, do as I do.)

***

Imagine how frustrating it is. I wait for hours with nothing happening and then I get just 2 minutes of pleasure. No folks, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the bloody internet connection. Lack of, thereof. Obviously it is not going to be fixed before Christmas. Or even this year at the rate they're going. Still, my CPN told me about a pub that is open on Christmas day afternoon where they have wi-fi. That would give a new and different focus to the day, trying to get out to get some connection.

Usually Christmas day for me is alcohol - possibly stirred into the porridge for breakfast, Christmas pudding with rum poured over (AKA drowned in. Not worth eating otherwise), Queen's speech (need to be drunk to "appreciate" that anyway. It's usually watching from behind a cushion type of thing given the extreme cringe factor rating. I don't think I've ever managed to get through a whole one yet) , and then sitting in front of TV all day in various stages of inebriation.

This isn't as bad as it sounds (though actually it sounds quite enjoyable if you like a tipple). I'm not drinking to dull the pain - although obviously it helps in that sense too. I'm drinking because it is one of the few days in the year that I mark with drink - the others being Boxing day and New Years Eve and day. And that's it. The rest of my alcohol intake is purely medicinal (hic). Did I mention that I've been ill now for 3 whole weeks?

Given the amount of alcohol already existing in my Christmas day, would it be that different to spend it in the pub anyway? But I have to tell you that I never drink out of the house. This is because I have such a low tolerance for alcohol. One drink and I'm ~~anybodys~~ barely able to stand up. Which usually suits me just fine on Christmas day because the amount of time I spend standing up is minimal. However, if I'm going to go to the pub, I will, ironically enough, have to hold off the alcohol until after I get back. Just to make sure that I do get back. I will also, of course, have to tackle my agoraphobia on Christmas day ... Maybe I'll just wait it out in hope of a few moments of pleasure at home?

Given that this is Christmas Eve I'll spare you the story of my Monday Monumental Fail. But don't worry, I'll be straight back here with it after the holiday. You're not escaping that easily. In the meantime, I'll regale you with the story of the Bear's Christmas Present Meltdown.

Every night this week I have been trying to sleep against the backdrop of a grinding grating noise (OK I just had to get a bit of my own misery in there) from some roadworks in the vicinity - something to do with the cable not working? Who knows, Virgin will tell us nothing. Anyway, my brain so successfully tuned out of this noise that I didn't hear 2 text messages sent in the night from the Bear's girlfriend. The first told how he had bought her a present which turned out to be faulty and had lost the receipt. He had spent a long time searching for it to no avail and was having a panic attack, and could I please call when I woke up. My heart sank when I read this about 5 hours after it was sent. I could picture the scene so clearly. The ranting, the raving, the panic, the screaming, the crying ... she must have been pretty desperate to text for my help in the middle of the night. The Bear only uses cash, so no receipt = no refund. I found out later that this was the only present he had bought her, so if he didn't get it sorted out she would have no present at all.

Anyway, it was with trepidation that I moved on to the second message sent about an hour after the first. After hours of turning the flat upside down, he had found the receipt just outside the front door. Relief! But then she wrote "Now he has gone nuts". Pretty serious I thought, if he has completely gone in the head area. You can just imagine how that can happen after several hours of extreme stress and panic. What would be left after such exertion would be a shaking trembling wreck. I was unnerved. And then she ended the message with a cheery "The bears say hi" .... WTF???!?!?!?!? And that is the bit I can't get over. Has she lost it as well, I thought?

I should explain. "The bears" refers to the large collection of teddy bears owned by the Bear. He and I used to spend many happy hours discussing what the *bears* were thinking or saying. And still do in fact. For example, I can tell you that the bears are STILL cut up over the closure of Woolworths. They used to love nipping out while the Bear wasn't looking and getting a big bag of pic'n'mix to share amongst themselves. His girlfriend however, didn't get in on this game for a long time. Lack of imagination? Slow on the uptake? Not ~~into such nonsense~~ familiar with ursine thought patterns? I can't say as I don't know her that well. Anyway at some point she started joining in the bear fuelled frippery.

But then to end a text telling how the Bear has suffered a mental meltdown with a cheery missive from the bears? I mean, as though they would have been able to sit through such a drama without being terribly affected themselves. Their poor little nerves must be frazzled. Saying "hi"? They're screaming their bloody heads off woman! Poor old bears.

So I seriously doubt her sanity.

And you, dear reader, are by this stage seriously doubting the sanity of everyone at this end.

Anyway, after the Bear had taken a bucketload of various meds which produced no positive result at all, and had done plenty of crying, he and she went to Argos yesterday afternoon and got a refund. They then went round the shops where he proceeded to buy her quite a few presents which she chose and was delighted with. And by the evening everyone was happy again. Don't you just love a happy ending?

The *bears*, however, say it will be quite some time before they recover from this debacle. I'll have to nip round later and give them each a drop of whisky. Purely for medicinal purposes, you understand.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

BTW Am I the only person who thought Jack's post entitled "Ways losing weight is like writing a letter to Santa" should have been called "Ways losing weight is like having sex"? Some of those lines I distinctly remember having said to the Bear. Check it out here.

I lost it and it's all Kevin Costner's fault

2009-12-22T08:16:00.000-08:00

Victoria Wood and Julie Walters discussing diet and exercise esp in relation to a fat woman they both know.

VW: "You have to clench your buttocks"

JW: "Well she couldn't clench her's. It'd take two strong men and a wheelbarrow!"

Ok. I just thought I'd cheer you up before yet another depressing post.

Firstly, I have no internet connection. There has been a cable problem for the last 4 days and Virgin STILL haven't fixed it. They ain't rushing. I really hope they sort it out soon. I just can't face Christmas with no connection. The first day I was so depressed. I felt cut off. I wanted to know what you were all up to! Seriously it has made me miserable. I miss you all so much. After all, who else is going to wish me better when I am ill? Only you, dear bloggers.

Then there's the cold. It's very cold here and my heating won't come on for some unknown reason. I have a fan heater but it is fanning more than it is heating. The massive air circulation is a bit draughty. I do have another little heater which was great at heating. In fact so great that its heating capabilities extended to burning up the plug and melting the socket it was plugged into.

Finally I worked out that I could go to Argos and buy a new little heater to tide me over. Except I can't cope with the Argos in town. It's in a busy shopping centre and Christmas week? I'll be waiting in there with a million other people. Then (cogs turning very slowly folks!) I worked out I could go to the out of town one. This was Sat 6pm and I thought maybe it is still open? But I couldn't check because I have no internet. So I thought fine, I'll go tomorrow. And then I managed not to do anything on Sunday. At all.

So, I was freezing, frozen to the bone cold, very lonely without my internet connection, struggling to breathe - I feel like I need someone to just put a tube down my throat and suck out all the gunk (sorry). I have a big booming cough that signals to the whole neighbourhood that I'm ill. But at least my earache is just twinges now and then.

Anyway, you know how it is when life is heaping it on you ... well I usually find that's just the very best time to start thinking about how I have completely cocked up everything this year. And why stop there? Surely there is more rubbish I can dredge up to make myself feel even worse? You betcha. Christmas on my own? Always a good one. I could go on here but I don't want to lose you to despair, dear reader.

I happened to be watching Dances With Wolves. I've never watched it before (yes, how late am I?) And just as my own shit is seriously getting on top of me, they have to go and bloody shoot the wolf. I COMPLETELY LOST IT. Bucket loads of tears followed by the inevitable suicidal thoughts.

So somehow I got myself together and went to the shop round the corner. I think you know what's coming.

I recognised that I was giving myself permission to binge because, "Who cares when I'm going to kill myself anyway?" But even though I could see this, it didn't stop me.

It wasn't the worst binge in the world. Only because I have largely been off rich food. I have no cravings for very sugary things - so no packets of Mr Kipling cakes. Or anything in bulk. This is because my digestive system has been out of whack the whole time I have been ill.

I have been unable to eat to plan because I couldn't eat my usual fish and veg. I have been eating carbs at every meal. I felt like my innards needed something to hold onto. So I've been eating only porridge and dry carbs. Because the drier something is when it goes in, the drier it'll be when ... yes, OK, you get the picture.

I have been eating pitta bread a lot. Why? I have no idea. I HATE PITTA BREAD. Here's how they make pitta - they take some sawdust and the dried out contents of a hamster cage, grind it up and mix in with a little wholemeal flour, yeast and water. They put it through a mangle to squeeze the life out of it, then bake it. Finally, just to make sure there really is no life left in the damn thing, it gets mangled yet again.

Then they seal it in plastic and the percentage of sawdust means it'll have a shelf life of about 6 months. Cos how can it go off if it's completely dried out dead already?

If I bought a sliced loaf, even if it was the biggest loaf you'd ever seen, it would be gone in 2 days. A packet of 6 pitta can easily last a week.

I am safe with pitta.

But that still doesn't explain why I have been into them recently.

The ONLY thing they have in their favour is that you have to put either salad or banana in there. Otherwise all you can taste is sawdust and hamster scrapings. Therefore, the possible combinations of filling I do are fairly healthy. And I think over the last 2 weeks I've pretty well covered them all.

Saturday night and Sunday involved Bad Eating. But blimey, I was hot! Yes, a minuscule number of those calories were successfully converted to heat. But I think most landed on my thighs. I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE ON BOARD INSULATION THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

***

The above was written yesterday which was a good eating day, involving ground rice porridge for breakfast, 2 meals with pitta bread and 2 snacks. Then I managed a monumental fail in an entirely different direction, but I'll save that for another post.

If you are reading this it's because I am connecting via wi-fi from a neighbouring building. If I am late commenting or responding to emails it's because I can only pick up my neighbour's wi-fi intermittently. Hopefully the cable will be sorted out very soon.

PS Sorry for the lack of Christmas spirit!　

Still ill

2009-12-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

Hi Folks. Thanks for all your well wishes. I really thought I was almost better a few days ago but this thing has flared up again and it's actually worse now than last week.

Over the weekend I was very done in and frustrated with still not being able to get out and get walking. But I was patient and took it easy. I walked to the supermarket and back on Saturday but stayed in Sunday. I went to see my healer on Monday and made it up the hill without a problem. I had a great day Tuesday with tons of energy and getting a load of jobs done around the house. I had far more energy that day than at any time in the last 6 months. It was weird. But that night I started with a bad sore throat and by the next morning I was full of cold. Then last night things got worse. When I got into bed I had the most severe earache I've ever had in my left ear. It radiated to the left half of my head. It was so bad I was actually frightened. Then I was aching all over. It was a bad night.

I've spent much of the last 24 hours crying. I have really had enough.

I know it's stupid to get so upset. It will go away SOMETIME. But it looks like it'll be another week. And I've already been ill for 2 weeks. It is grinding me down.

I had to cancel a meeting today with the lady who helps me get out.

I am sick and tired of feeling like SHIT!

Sorry I can't write more but I am feeling too bad.

Yuckity Yuck!

2009-12-08T05:20:00.001-08:00

Hi Folks. Sorry for my absence from blogland the last few days. I've had a bad virus (swine flu?) since Friday and been really unwell. Started Friday afternoon with diarrhea, wild temperature fluctuations, aching all over and feeling pretty awful. Now I am exhausted and my nose is still running and lungs aching. I'm really hoping to be back to normal by the end of the week. I have missed my walking so much, missed just being out in the fresh air so much. Weird for an agoraphobic to say that huh?!

I haven't felt up to reading and commenting on blogs or answering email so you'll have to bear with me while I catch up. I've got a lot of reading to do!

Thank you to everyone who commented on the last post. I think there's a lot more to be said on that subject about how we eat and what our expectations about eating are.

In the meantime I'm just going to try and catch up with everyone!

Day 16: Thoughts on rigidity, chaos and "normal" eating

2009-11-30T15:38:00.000-08:00

Another award! This was so kindly given to me by Amazon Runner, Diane at Fit to the Finish, and Katie J. I really feel I don't deserve it as I don't manage to post that often!

There are rules attached to this one:

Each person who receives it must link to the person who gave them the award

They must chose 5 deserving bloggers to pass it on to

They must display the award and link to this post which explains the award

They must add their name to the Mr Linky list on the above link so the originator can keep track of everyone who has received it

They must display the above rules

So many of the people who deserve this award have already been given it, so I have chosen people who to my knowledge have not received it yet. I would like to pass this award on to:

Green Stone Woman who posts at least once a day and is always a good read,

Amy at The not so secret life of a not so super together mom - who has raised many interesting food issues on her blog and written beautifully about her mental state,

Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser - I admire his determination to post every day whatever, and how does he find so much to say?!

Wendy at New Me: A Fresh Start - I might not always agree with what she says, but it's always interesting and challenging (for me) and highly relevant for anyone dealing with their relationship with food.

Jogging Auburn at Quest for a Mile - her posts are just so beautiful! She hasn't posted for a little while now so I hope she'll start again soon.

All the above are in my bloglist. And I have still not passed on my Best Blog Award! Next time ...

So, about the diet. I have completed day 16 and all is going well so far. I hit my target of walking 4 times last week and have 1 walk under my belt this week, done on Sunday (my diet week running from Sun to Sat). I had a very active day today walking and actually running part of the way to my healer (because I was late!) for 35 mins and then I walked for an hour afterwards. But I don't count it as an official walk unless it's at least 1 1/2 hours continuous walking. My eating has been spot on and despite many times over the past week when I felt very down I haven't even really wanted to "depression eat". I have had occasional bingeing thoughts but have dismissed them quickly from my mind because I know so well how "fantasy bingeing" has a tendency to turn into the real thing. The only thing I am still struggling with is getting to bed on time. It's certainly much better than it was but I have still had a couple of 2.30 bedtimes and one 3am which is obviously way off what it should be. But I'm going to continue trying on that one. I also haven't yet built up my toning exercises. I'll get there!

But overall I'm very happy that my good eating and exercise routine is nailed in place. It feels so much better waking up after a day of clean eating compared to the horror I have felt every morning for the past few months of waking up after another day bingeing. Literally horror. I have of course still felt very depressed and low during the last 2 weeks - because I'm suffering from depression aside from my eating. But I don't feel I'm in chaos anymore because my eating is not chaotic. I don't have that circling, behind the scenes terror about what I'm doing to myself with eating ridiculous amounts of food. I'm not filled with anxiety about being out of control and not knowing how I'm going to stop it. So the difference in my mental state is dramatic. I feel so much calmer.

And I am just so grateful that I'm not really struggling to stick to my healthy eating regime. It is not a battle. If it were a battle then I wouldn't be succeeding. I don't have very much willpower at my disposal as concerns my eating. I do and can force myself into doing the walking. That does require quite a bit of determination - just to get out there due to my agoraphobia, and in the cold windy wet weather. I have willpower there. But I don't believe I have that much with eating.

For me there are two states of being with eating (since I had a breakdown) which are eating in a very repetitive rigid pattern or eating totally chaotically. I seem to have moved from the latter to the former. But I don't know how.

Today I read on Leslie's blog about her desperation to pack in the bingeing that's been plaguing her weight loss efforts for some while now. She asked for suggestions on this and several people have written interesting comments in response. Vickie's suggestion was that Leslie should only eat at home or if out, only eat food she had prepared herself. So to keep complete control over her eating. I had made a similar suggestion to Leslie the day before about nailing a healthy eating pattern in place and not deviating from it except for the coming actual holiday days. What I was meaning was something very similar to what Vickie suggested ie to 100% plan her eating - what to eat and at what times, and stick with it no matter what. But I didn't push the idea because I was worried that what I was suggesting was as much disordered eating as her existing bingeing pattern.

Keeping to a very rigid repetitive structure is the only way that I myself can cope with food, and I'm very aware that this is not "normal". It is the flip side of chaotic eating - total rigidity and routine. It also has many problems associated with it - such as never being able to have any spontaneity, never being able to eat out, the tendency that if I do step out of my pattern I'm in real trouble - I can't handle it at all and may end up bingeing/ compulsive eating for months before I regain control. I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer this of course.

So how can I make such a suggestion? Shouldn't we all be aiming for sane eating? Is it wrong to aim for anything other than that? On the other hand, sanity for me can only be found in sticking to my trusted routine. That is where my safety and sanity exist. And what is normal eating anyway? I saw an obesity surgeon on TV not so long ago and when his team stopped for lunch everyone got out their tupperware boxes and tucked into their sandwiches. He pulled a can of tuna out of his pocket and that was his lunch. His mantra was "Never eat anything beige!" ie no cakes, biscuits, pastry etc. He was very thin of course, but judging by the faces of his colleagues, they all thought he was nuts. I have to say that seeing this man eating a can of tuna for lunch everyday to the derision of colleagues made me feel that my eating wasn't so weird after all. This guy was essentially saying that what we consider to be "normal eating" is the reason why 2/3 of adults in this country are overweight or obese. He was unashamedly abnormal in his eating.

So to come back to Leslie, is rigidity the key? A zero tolerance approach to eating outside of set meals she has prepared herself? I honestly can't say. It would be great to get the weight loss going again, for sure. But what about all the socialising involving food? With buffets one can just abstain, but sit down meals with friends and family? Work socials? Also, how long would it last? This is something that needs a solution for life, not for a few months.

But this is the stuff that everyone who wants to lose weight faces. Saying no when other people are gorging away right in front of you. Saying no to yourself when you want to eat chocolate cake (I'm even frightened to type that food!) Saying no to yourself when you are hungry. In other words, taking control. Generally you only get to have a serious weight problem by being out of control so the only way to rectify it is to be very much in control.

So it's all about finding a type of control over your eating that you can live with. For Sean for example it's about eating all his favourite foods whether healthy or not so healthy. He eats it as long as it's within his calorie budget. For me it is about eating the same food at the same time every day.

Of course control over your eating is only tackling one end of the problem and Lori-Ann made a great comment to Leslie's post about thinking how she would deal with life after she had lost her weight - what would her mission be then? And the anxiety that accompanied these thoughts.

Eating to plan in no way addresses issues such as how you will live your life as a thin person, fear of change in body size or any emotional issues that keep you clinging to your extra poundage. But if it means you can live less chaotically then you might just have the time and space in your mind to address the other issues rather than have your life dominated by bingeing hell.

Passing on the Love!

2009-11-26T14:56:00.000-08:00

These two awards were so kindly given to me by Green Stone Woman.

I would like to pass the "Atta Girl" award on to Lori-Ann at Amazon Runner because she really is making a difference with the Lakota Crafts project. This project is about providing the Lakota people with income from their own traditional crafts and thus working towards alleviating their poverty. You can read all about this project here and link from her site to the shop if you are tempted for a beautiful selection of unique handmade gifts for Christmas.

I would also like to pass the "Atta Girl" award onto Tammy at From Fat to Fab. She is a true inspiration dealing with large amounts of personal and family stress whilst battling food addiction. Her fortitude never ceases to amaze me. And even though she has so much already to cope with in life she is always generous with her time in helping other bloggers. Her presence in the blogosphere really does make a difference!

I also give this award to Diane at Fit to the Finish. I don't think there has ever been a greater inspiration than someone who has really suffered with her weight and then successfully dealt with it and maintained a healthy lifestyle for 12 years - despite a further 4 pregnancies. She is making a difference to so many people who are struggling to find a way out of their weight problems. Diane proves that it CAN be done and I am so happy that she chooses to share her experience of this whole journey with us.

The Deborah Award was created by Ces for her friend midlifepoet. The explanation of this award is here (I'm unable to copy it into blogger of course) and it really is quite beautiful. This award is for special (female) blogging friends who have stuck with you through your journey.

In Gratitude I would like to pass this award on to the following people who have all offered me friendship and support through the last few months, both on my blog and through email:

Chrissie at A healthy Mind and Healthy Body
Paula at paulawannacracker
Leslie at Something Brilliant is Brewing
Tammy at From Fat to Fab
Judith at The Art of Not Working
Cheryl at Wishing and Discovering
Lori-Ann at Amazon Runner
Natalie at My Kashi Diet
Amy at No to the Deuce
Losing Waist (Don't know if I'm allowed to give her name!)
Amy at The not so secret life of a not so super together mom
Jogging Auburn at Quest for a Mile
Lisa at In Weigh Over My Head
Letta at Jumping off the Binge Wagon
Diane at Fit to the Finish
Patsy at Musings on a 100lb+ Weight Loss Journey

All can be found on my blog list. And I'm sorry that these awards are only for the ladies because I can think of a couple of men I would have passed these onto as well. Sorry guys!

I have other awards to pass on but those will have to wait for the next post. In a way, this seems like an appropriate day to be thankful for all the friendship I've been shown in the blogging community, given that it is Thanksgiving in America today.

A bit ironic that on a holiday when Americans are being thankful for the abundant lives they have, so many people are so anxious about having too much food! I hope all those who are celebrating today have a wonderful day with lots of love and healthful eating.

Anyway, what about the diet? I am on day 12 of my diet and things are going surprisingly well. I was very anxious about it all the first week. So worried I would mess things up yet again. I was super careful. Making sure I only shopped when I wasn't at all hungry, making sure I didn't go into any convenience stores after my walks - the time when I felt most vulnerable. Making sure I only bought good things at the supermarket. I was so relieved to make it through that week! My eating was perfect and I got 4 good walks - I was actually rather annoyed at myself as I felt I could have done 5 if I had put my mind to it.

However, I was still not making it to bed at a reasonable time. This has been a problem for me all year and I am so tired of it - literally! So this week I have been working on it. I reframed *getting to bed on time* as an essential part of my weight loss efforts rather than just an add on. And thus have managed to make it into bed at or before 2am the last 3 nights. I feel SO MUCH BETTER for getting into bed 2 hours earlier. It is as Sean says, you have to make it your highest priority otherwise it won't get done.

I also feel ready to add another goal to the 3 already listed, which is to build up a routine of toning exercises. So far I am doing push ups and plank exercises, and I want to add stomach crunches and leg exercises.

I am still not feeling very confident about things. For me it is not about "stringing together good days" like Jack Sh*t. To do this thing I have to focus on the bigger picture, to think in terms of weeks and months. To be constantly thinking of where I want to be in 4 weeks, in 8 weeks, about the clothes I want to be wearing in the future - all the ones I have right now which I can't currently get into. Also I am not the type of person who loses weight day by day. My body tends to save it up - sometimes for weeks - and then I have a sudden big overnight loss. I always suffer this significant delay - which is agony! So what I'm doing today, or this week, is only going to show up in about 3 weeks time. If I didn't focus really hard on the future I'd be lost. I don't even get a big water loss in the first week - in fact my body's response to healthy eating is usually to retain even more water. Urrrgh! Luckily the water retention situation is starting to resolve now.

So far this week I have done 3 walks and I feel my speed is now picking up. The last couple of days I have barely even noticed that I was walking, apart from near the end. So my fitness has improved dramatically in a very short time.

I started my walking program 3 weeks before adjusting my food intake. I actually put on a bit more weight during that time as I was still eating too much. But I was able to build up my muscles and stamina - and I think maybe this is easier without the double whammy of calorie restriction at the same time. Why is it that we always put so much strain on our bodies all in one go?

Hope you are all having a great day, whether or not you are being thankful!

Doing it!

2009-11-18T16:10:00.000-08:00

Hi Folks. Thanks once again for so much support. You're showing me a lot of love here and I really appreciate it. Writing the last post helped me calm down a bit about things over the weekend. The problem is still there and still needs to be sorted, but I really had to put it on the backburner for now just to save my sanity - or the last shreds of it anyway.

I mentioned how sometimes in the past when everything is feeling so bad and there are seemingly unsolvable problems, I turn to the one thing that I can fix - my weight. Previously this has sometimes happened deliberately and sometimes it just happened.

I have felt out of control around food for most of the last 4 months. I have not been able to turn this thing around at all. I did manage one good week but it was a struggle and I wasn't able to sustain it. I was in the binge mode not the healthy eating mode. I failed to switch modes.

But over the weekend it happened.

Admittedly you could say I have been working up to this given that I had spent the previous 3 weeks doing a lot of walking. This gradually calmed my blood sugar down and I was able to reduce my food intake. I was still eating too much though.

It wasn't until Sunday that I was FINALLY able to start my diet and return to healthy eating. It wasn't until then that I felt able to commit to a diet and exercise plan.

I have returned to eating the Hay Way - a way of eating which is otherwise known as Food Combining. It is principally about not mixing protein and carbs at the same meal. It's a way of eating which makes sense to me and which I have sustained for long periods in the past. It's not specifically a reduction diet but can be adapted to that. And it doesn't involve counting calories. It naturally lowers your (starchy) carb intake by limiting them to one meal a day.

I have thought about going low carb and my one good week out of the last 4 months was achieved by adopting that approach. It was great for my blood sugar and I was very happy with it - apart from my skin. Over the course of just one week my skin really suffered. I had seen this in a friend over 10 years ago who was low carbing. Her skin looked dreadful. And when I tried the Atkins diet a decade ago the same thing happened.

I don't know how to solve this problem. If any low carbers have any experience of skin problems related to their eating I'd love to hear about it.

So, my goals are

1) to eat healthily for weight loss in the food combining pattern I have now re-established

2) to do a walk of at least 1 1/2 hours 4 days a week

3) to get to bed between 12 and 2am (rather than 3 and 5am)

In the last 4 days I have eaten brilliantly and done 3 long walks. I even made it through a VERY stressful Tuesday without slipping up.

It went like this - Walking into the centre of town to pay a bill at the bank (a very long queue), going to a couple of shops - one on the High St and then a trip round the supermarket and walking home with heavy shopping. Putting the washing on. Then downstair's cleaner asked if she could borrow my hoover as their's was broken. So I felt unable to relax while the washing was on because at any moment there might be a knock at the door with a question on how to empty it or just thank you for lending etc. Then when the washing had finished I had to take it to the launderette to dry it because the dryer is broken. There I had to deal with strangers and the old lady who helps run it - let's just say she's *a bit of a character*.

And, after ALL THAT I still really really wanted to do a walk! I had to stop myself for fear of overdoing it and ending up calling in a convenience store on the way home and buying the old bag of rubbish.

So, I AM DOING IT!

Stormy weather

2009-11-13T11:50:00.001-08:00

Hi Friends. Sorry for the lack of posts over the last week. The title of this post is correct in two ways - the weather in the UK is indeed stormy today with heavy rain, galeforce winds and flooding in many places. It hardly seemed to get light today and was totally dark by 4.30pm. So a bit of a non-day really. I'm just very lucky that I'm not in danger of flooding at all being on slightly higher ground. I would be living in terror otherwise. The river this week has looked quite swollen already without all this rain today. I do worry about the roof leaking though. It makes me feel quite vulnerable.

The first few years I lived here the whole roof would sway in a high wind. Then some work was done to strengthen it and it's been fine since then. The property is Georgian so about 250 years old and I often feel it's as solid as cardboard! The method of building in this part of the country at that time was just to use a load of rubble and skim some stucco over the top to make it look smooth and posh. I have seen the truth of this myself when surrounding houses have needed to have the stucco replaced and so have it all chipped off to reveal the rubble underneath. It's slightly worrying ...

The other stormy weather is in my head. As issue has come up over the last week and really slapped me round the chops. And for once it's not something to do with my weight. Which is a relief in a way. The issue is not something I can discuss on my blog which is really tough because I'd love your opinion on it. I know you would have some great ideas. As it is I have not been able to speak to anyone about it so far. I have just been driving myself almost mad in my own head. It has been hell.

I have feared that I was having another breakdown. That is how much it has shaken me up. It may even have happened. I don't know right now.

I have been very shaky in a way which is totally different to depression. I have had some very distressing thoughts and a bucketload of anxiety. All the worry and upsetting thoughts have actually made me feel physically ill. I have struggled to find a level place in my head.

Sometimes the only way to escape all of this is to move to a completely different place in my own head. Ie almost become a different person. Not that I do that deliberately. It just happens sometimes.

Today I felt lonely. I wanted to be with other people because I need that support. I still haven't been able to go healing at the library. My goal is to get there some time before Christmas.

I was due to see my healer the coming Monday but she texted to say she is unable because she's visiting her mother in Cambridge. I think I really needed to see her. It will have to be the Monday after that instead.

The aforementioned issue is tied up with The Future and how I will survive then and what I will be able to do. I know your immediate reaction to this will be to concentrate on the here and now and leave the future until I get there. But this issue means I DO need to think about it now and plan out what I'm going to do.

But what can I do? Will I be able to work ever again? In the last 3 years I have been unable even to do 1 hour a week voluntary work let alone anything else. Of course I want desperately to be able to work. I cannot have a normal life unless I can work. But the reality is that I will certainly never work full time again and even part time work will be incredibly difficult. I just get stressed so easily.

But without being able to work I have no future at all that I can see.

I am so worried about my future prospects. In a way it is a good sign that I can even think about this stuff because over the last few years I haven't been able to do that. But now I am in a crunch position over it so I have no choice. And I'm not handling it well.

Chances are I will just end up more ill.

With my weight I have almost accepted that I'm just going to be a seriously mentally ill person shuffling around town (when I'm able to get there lol) with undyed, unkempt hair, wearing glasses and looking fat, greasy and spotty. So attractive! But I don't have the mental or physical strength to do any better at the moment. And that is if I can even get into town ...

My eating is less than it was due to my blood sugar being better from all the walking I have done. I've only managed 2 walks so far this week but I did 5 long walks a week the previous two weeks. But I am still eating too much.

Often in my life when everything has seemed over whelming and out of my control I have decided "OK I can't fix all that but at least I can be thin", and then proceeded to do what was necessary in adjustment of food intake and getting some exercise to achieve that. It isn't going that way at this time. I wish it would because at least I would be achieving on some level.

I don't know how I am actually holding it together at the moment. "Only just". I have been in a battle for psychological survival the last week. I don't know what the outcome will be. I need to find a solution to the problem.

Sorry about the shabbiness of this post ...

Saw my healer!

2009-11-02T14:45:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone. Thank you as ever for some amazing comments in response to the last post. I felt very bad about putting that post up. I knew it would touch on difficult stuff for a lot of people, and I want to thank those who shared their pain and experience through comments and emails.

I also felt bad because I was writing from a position of anger essentially about other people's pain (manifesting as anger), which is an inappropriate response - which is what I was complaining about. So how dumb is that?

But I felt I had to say it because I'm tired of reading this stuff on some people's blogs - that they have a right to look down on someone who is depressed/ suicidal. I will not be told by those people that I am not as good as them because I'm feeling worthless .... Errrr ..... Hmmmm. Maybe I do have some self esteem hidden somewhere after all.

Anyway, today I saw my healer! I was so worried about it over the weekend. But today went much better than I expected.

I had built up my walking time last week - 45 minute walk on my own on Monday evening, walking with the Bear Tue, Wed and Thur - up to 1 1/2 hour walking. On Friday I had an appointment with my CPN and the lady who will be meeting with me once a week to help with the agoraphobia so I didn't do a walk but I walked to the appointment, to the supermarket and back.

On Saturday I really struggled to push myself out, but I did it and ended up walking for about 2 hours 20 mins. I walked through some streets, up a very big hill and then down the other side of it. Normally I would walk back on the flat from that point skirting round the edge of town - 1 1/2 hours in total. But when I got to the bottom of the hill I realised I really couldn't face going anywhere near the centre of town. There were just too many people around - many students wearing fancy dress as well as the usual Saturday night crowds. So I had no choice but to turn around and walk back up the bl**dy hill again! And these are big hills let me tell you.

All the time on Saturday I was huffing and puffing and thinking how much harder it was without the Bear to distract me and reassure me just with his presence and his chuntering. I felt very uncomfortable physically doing that walk. Like I was heaving my stomach around the place - it is huge. I really felt my heaviness. And it was a warm evening so I was sweating like anything.

By the time I got back to the bottom of said hill I was in tears and feeling dreadful.

I have lived in denial through my bad bingeing the last few months of how much weight I've actually put on. It's only when you start trying to climb out of the pit that you realise just how bad things have got. Sitting around at home not seeing anyone for the most part, allowed me not to fully face what I had done to myself.

Boy did I face it on Saturday night!

I thought of how shocked my healer would be to see me looking like this, having put on so much weight since I last saw her. I didn't know if I would be able to see her on Monday. I was looking for ways to possibly cancel it.

This morning I was very stressed, and the stress caused me to feel drowsy. I took 200mg of Modafinil and still struggled to move. Everything I did felt like I was on a go slow. But this did mean that I had no energy to specifically worry about seeing her. I was too taken up with just concentrating on getting there.

At the last moment as I was about to leave I found my flies where undone - so I searched for the zip end - and found nothing. The zip had broken. And these trousers are the only ones I have that fit right now. I had dug them, a couple of weeks ago, out of a suitcase where they had lived for several years. They are my Biggest Ever Trousers (BET). I can't tell you how depressed it made me to have to wear BET. I have occasionally, when looking for other items, run across BET in that suitcase and held them up in amazement that I ever had to wear such large trousers. So you can imagine how bad it felt that I am back in them again.

Anyway, I was in a panic. I could just have pinned them closed but of course I tried to force the zipper down and only succeeded in making the whole zip bulge out. I decided that I hated BET anyway and I would try on Next Biggest Trousers (NBT). Amazingly I could actually get into NBT but I would be on a wing and a prayer with them as they are scarily tight and the belt digs in so much that a very large chunk of me hangs over the top all the way round. But I decided I'd go for it. They looked a lot better on than BET. I thought, if they split at least my coat comes down to my knees. That should cover it.

Happily NBT are still intact!

Anyway, I made it up the hill to her house without too much trouble. And she was so happy to see me! And I was so happy to see her! (I'm in tears now).

It was so lovely. And I felt fine.

We had a hug and she took my coat and we sat down and started chatting. And I felt rather silly that I'd been so worried about seeing her and even thought about cancelling. There was nothing to worry about!

I chatted to her for about an hour about how things had been the last few months.

And then she gave me some healing.

When I was about to leave she gave me a bag with a birthday card and two presents in it. It's my birthday this week. I had told her it was my birthday and that was the main reason I hadn't cancelled, because I knew she would have got me something. And she did! (Tears again!)

I feel so lucky.

Today was a great "normalizing" experience. A wonderful reconnection. And, as a bonus, I walked for 1 1/4 hours afterwards and did OK on the food as well.

Thank you once again for your support and prayers.

PS I've been given two more awards! More on that next time.

A is for ....

2009-10-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

A is for Award. And this one was given to me by the lovely Paula Rodriguez at paulawannacracker. Hurray!!! (And I finally learnt how to link! )

Paula is looking great after losing 30lbs so far and working hard on improving her eating at the moment. Her's is an honest blog - trying to be careful with what you eat is not easy, especially with a large family to entertain. I think Paula is often too hard on herself because she's actually doing an amazing job. Cheer her on if you're not already.

A is for Appreciation. If you appreciate great writing then you will love Green Stone Woman's new Writing Blog. Her writing is quite exceptional. Check out "Rituals" posted on Oct 28th. Paragraphs 3 and 4 particularly put me in mind of Ted Hughes' "Lovesong". See what you think. She has also set up a new Art Blog where you seriously want to check out those sculptures. My favourite is Bog Woman, but The Frog is pretty amazing too. Of course Nora continues to write her daily journaling blog too. In her post this morning, her wish was that people would follow her new writing blog, so let's wave the magic wand and make her wish come true.

A is also for Anger and Appropriate. As in, Is anger an appropriate response to someone else's pain? I have read several bloggers writing about the anger they feel when someone else is depressed. Especially if the pain is so severe the person actually feels suicidal. Apparently a suicidal person is particularly deserving of these people's anger and disgust. Yes, the word disgust has been used in this context. One blogger actually wrote that she was "offended" by other people's pain. Offended???? WTF??? And these people call themselves Christians?

Can anger and disgust ever be appropriate responses to other people's pain?

For example, if you are very overweight you have possibly at some time been on the receiving end of someone else's anger over this issue. It may have been your parents, your partner, even a complete stranger in the street. Did you find this remotely appropriate? Remotely helpful? Chances are you found someone else's anger directed at you a crushing experience. At the very least it's highly unpleasant that someone else seeks to increase your pain over this issue. Why would they do that? Does it make sense? Does it achieve anything?

Why do some people feel intense anger when someone says openly that they are depressed? Or suicidal? What does that anger signify? There could be various factors at play here, but the most obvious candidate is denial. Denial of their own pain. To some people, admitting that they have such negative emotions is too frightening for them. They want to stuff those feelings down. Pretend they don't exist. Those feelings are linked with feelings of their own inadequacy and lack of self esteem. Some people prefer to block this stuff out of their mind. It gives them a feeling of superiority, after all, that they have been able to "overcome" (supposedly) the causes of their pain, and not "give in" to those feelings.

Why do overweight people in particular often bear the brunt of other people's inappropriate anger? Well, as we know, excess weight is often pain made highly visible. Unlike alcoholism, or drug taking for example, which are not immediately apparent when the person walks down the street, the compulsive eater's pain is there for all the world to see at all times.

So people are trying to distance themselves from their own pain when they look down on someone else who is obviously in pain. And an inadequate ego will always get a boost from feeling superior to other people of course.

I remember when I did a creative therapy class some years ago, and before the first session when we were all in the reception area waiting to go in, a woman in the group proclaimed very loudly that "People think that to come here there must be something wrong with you". And she went on to explain (to her highly embarrassed listener) that there was nothing wrong with her. Of course not. Like she was just there for the craic.

Fact is that everyone attending that group had been diagnosed with depression.

She told me in no uncertain terms that she was not depressed. And evidently felt that because of this she was rather superior to the rest of us. She was not mentally ill. She was not one of us. She then proceeded to paint a very large piece of paper entirely in very dark grey and black. Yeah, I thought, you're so not depressed.

Being British, no-one in the group mentioned it. Every time this poor deluded woman dropped another clanger (supposedly demonstrating her own psychological superiority to the rest of us) there was much raising of eye brows, shaking of heads and knowing smiles exchanged.

Thing is, this woman was the most depressed person in the group by a very long chalk. Her desperate attempts to bolster her own flagging ego only signalled the enormous hole she was in emotionally.

For the other members of the group, treating this woman as a figure of fun (in their own heads) served to stop them (to some extent) being hurt from the message that this woman was transmitting ie you are worth less as a human being if you are depressed, if you suffer from mental illness, if you are in psychological pain. We tried to insulate ourselves from her opinion that we were unacceptable and weak; less than "normal" people. We tried not to allow her to increase our pain.

This woman's feelings of disgust towards herself could have had a very destructive effect on other people. And possibly did in other situations.

Her unfortunate, hurtful behaviour towards us was really to do with her feelings about herself. Ie feeling that she was worthless, unacceptable and "less than" other people.

Appropriate responses to other people's pain are things like empathy, offering comfort, understanding, making suggestions to ease the situation, telling a story from your own experience of how you dealt with something similar, or simply listening (or reading).

Inappropriate responses are anger, disgust, feelings of superiority. These responses say a lot about the person feeling them and zip all about the person they are aimed at.

OK. I finished ranting now. Me, angry??!! That would be so inappropriate ....

In other news, The Bear has been suddenly demanding my attention after virtually no contact for quite a while. I have seen him every day the last three days. And we have had a lovely walk each evening. I also went on a walk on Monday evening on my own.

I was surprised that he was in quite good shape psychologically despite a bit of a crisis - which required my help and support. I really have loved spending a bit of time with him. Spending time with him helps me be more accepting of myself, because he accepts me totally and unconditionally. He is the only person in the real world I trust (I say in the real world because obviously I trust you lot).

My eating - rubbish. All rubbish. Massive eating every day. But at least my exercise levels have improved. And that is really necessary considering I will be walking a very large steep hill to see my healer on Monday.

I am feeling a little better in myself. Your comments have been very supportive and helpful. Between you lot and The Bear and my healer, I hope to crawl out into the light any time soon ...

Thank you.

Personality

2009-10-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys. I'm sorry I was unable to comment on your blogs yesterday. I slipped into a severe depression and although I read everyone's blogs I didn't feel able to formulate any responses. Hopefully normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. I hope to be able to leave some comments later today.

Thank you for all the long comments you left to the last post. I love long comments! The longer the better - because that is how this thing works. The more feedback I get the more I have to think about and the more I can learn - about myself and about life in general. I really appreciate the time people take to to respond to my issues.

The most striking thing from the last post was the fact that everyone else thinks I have a personality! I have to tell you that whenever I have said to anyone who has been treating me that I feel I have no personality, they have assured me that they don't see me in that way at all.

The difference here is between looking at someone from the outside and feeling how it is to be a person on the inside.

Once, when I was doing a group session with a load of other women a few years ago I said to them that I knew it would sound weird, but that I was not a person to myself. I didn't expect anyone to understand what the hell I was talking about because no-one had ever seemed to up to that point. I was surprised when one of the other women said that she knew what I meant because she felt she was "a nobody" as well; that she had no personality, was no-one.

Had I realised this person felt the same? No.

In my head I had put together a picture of this person based on the way she presented herself, the clothes she wore, everything she said and how she said it - how she had brought up her children, her relationships with men, the way she described her life. To me she was a fully formed being who seemed consistent within herself.

We all formulate a schemata for every person we meet, build up a picture of them based on their interactions with us and how they present themselves generally. Our assumption when doing this is that the person does have a particular personality, that they are consistent in their thinking and behaviour, and that their outward behaviour very much reflects their inner personality.

These are very big assumptions to make, but also of course necessary for us to function effectively and safely in the world - they are cognitive shortcuts for summing up and assessing other people. And generally they are correct.

However, research does show that we view other people as being more consistent than we are ourselves. This is just because we have far more data to go on when considering ourselves. For example, with ourselves, we may see we are extrovert in some situations - ie situations where we are more confident, and introverted in other situations. Whereas we are more likely to view other people as extrovert or introverted.

So, even though you have only my written words to go on, it's not surprising that you have formulated some sort of consistent schemata for me.

I'm talking a lot about consistency here. But I don't feel inconsistent within myself on a day to day basis.

What I mainly feel is that I do not have an integrated personality. My psyche is in pieces, is fragmented, and my brain has to work very hard trying to hold the pieces together. This is why I find it so difficult to do anything very much. Because my brain doesn't have very much energy left over to spare. It takes so much energy to hold together a shattered psyche. It now occurs to me that what other people see (or read) is the result of the pieces being held together - the brain's desperate attempt to present to itself (let alone the rest of the world) a fully functioning being.

The most frustrating thing is that every so often I feel my self becoming "whole" again but it never lasts very long. The status quo always falls apart again. It never "works" somehow. And every time it does fall apart, I'm devastated. And very frightened.

Being in pieces, especially newly fragmented after a period of apparent wholeness, is very frightening. It's like living with no solid ground beneath you. The whole shebang can just fall apart at any moment.

Now, looking back over your comments and the emails I've exchanged with people, I see there is some sort of "backstop" there. In large part this is the body of knowledge I've built up from all my experiences as a mentally ill person. All the pain I've felt, the lack of security, the instability (which no-one else ever seems to perceive annoyingly!), the humiliation and shame of mental illness - a lot of which comes from knowing I can't cope with life as other people can, that my brain can't concentrate on anything else other than trying to hold myself together, all the coping mechanisms I've developed at different times for different problems and scenarios, all the conversations I've had with other mentally ill people on how they view things and how they cope, all the therapy I've been through - may have been useless at solving the problem, but it was interesting to get different perspectives.

I've learnt a lot being ill - through my own illness and other people's. About the dynamics of how people are f*cked up by others. The apparently small interactions with others which can have a huge impact. How psyches are developed and melded, and fall apart. How the mind can travel through endless cycles of rising and falling mood, comprehending and non-comprehending one's life, periods of time where a person is coping alternating with periods where the person is struggling.

Ultimately we are all put together and formed in the same way, by the same means. We all have better and worse times in our lives. So this knowledge can be applied to anyone - because the mentally ill are like everyone else, only more so.

The only instability that other people do perceive of course is my weight going up and down. Some people I know will be able to make the connection between my weight rising and increased depression. But I guess that to most people I am simply a yo-yo dieter or failed dieter. They don't know that I am a binge eater/ compulsive eater with a history of eating disorders - it's not something I would tell very many people. But as Jack Sh*t said to one of Diane's posts, "secret" eating - the world's worst kept secret.

I see my weight fluctuations as a visible sign of the state of my mind, and as a sign that I am incapable of coping with life. A far greater sign of failure in life than simply a failure of willpower or failure to stick to a diet plan, or failure to make good choices. I see it as a fundamental failure of personality.

This makes my weight a hugely loaded issue for me. I just have to keep reminding myself that most people in the street do not perceive any of this. But in my own head I cannot separate my mental illness from my weight because they are indeed intimately connected.

To a certain extent most people view their personality as being tied up with their appearance. Which is why weight loss can have such a profound effect on a person's view of themselves and consequently on their life. It's no wonder then that issues surrounding a person's weight are so ... er, weighty. It's always about far more than carrying around some excess poundage.

Responses

2009-10-15T14:30:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys. Sorry once again for inflicting all that shit on you last time. Strangely more people "tuned in" and read that post than any other ... well, a cheery title like "Toxic brain dump" really pulls in the punters don't y' know! And I want to sincerely thank the people who left a comment. I realise I made it tough for you because I left very little room for hope in there. Very little that people could respond to. Most of those who did said that clearly I am depressed and need meds. Or possibly could I turn to faith to help me through this. Both valid suggestions.

I certainly don't dispute that I am suffering from major depression. But I can tell you that I've tried every anti-dep going and none has been any good, either due to side effects or lack of efficacy. The one I was on the longest, Lofepramine is highly toxic and had little positive effect. It also caused me to reach my highest ever weight due to the fact that it lowers blood sugar, and blood pressure and slows you down so much that life becomes one long grinding exhaustion. The main way it "worked", if at all, was simply to slow down my thinking, thus I would have fewer thoughts per hour, thus fewer depressing thoughts per hour, thus be less depressed. Talk about being sledgehammered! I had to give it up due to the damaging effect on my kidneys. It also made me agoraphobic, a known side effect of this med. I was agoraphobic from the first tablet I took. I carried on taking it for as long as I did because I was desperate and there were really no other choices. I haven't been able to tolerate anything else. My psychiatrist told me some years ago that I was out of meds. Nothing left to try.

So I am now going through this unmedicated. But that doesn't really bother me I have to say. Even when I was on tablets the side effects were so bad I couldn't lead any kind of normal life anyway. So I wasn't any further forward.

Ultimately meds, if they worked and if I didn't have side effect problems, would only be covering up the pain, a band aid on the situation. They cannot solve the root cause. The root cause being that when I had my breakdown in 2000 I lost my self. I lost my personality. I lost who I was. No tablet can give me my self back.

That's why psychiatry has been no help to me at all. There is no diagnostic category for "person with no personality". In fact I have never really been able to get a psychiatrist to even understand the position I am in. They just don't seem to "get it". Or maybe they do but simply have no answer.

There is no way I've found of deliberately reforming a personality. Well, you may say what about psychotherapy? Therapy of course is designed to help people explore parts of themselves and make adjustments in personality. It depends on you having a personality in the first place to make the adjustments to.

I've been very lucky (or maybe not so lucky) to have had extensive individual therapy on the NHS: psychodynamic psychotherapy, creative art therapy, cognitive analytic therapy (CAT), psychoanalysis (a lot of which was twice a week). Not to mention groups run by the local health trust - stress, creative art therapy and relationship groups. I've also attended independent self help groups for depression and social anxiety.

I'm not stuck like this for lack of effort! This thing has had everything thrown at it. And I still really feel like no-one who's ever treated me has really "got it" or understood what I needed. But then I have no solution either. One therapist said to me that my previous learning (in psychology) must have been really useful to me when I had my breakdown. Sadly not. You can't study what it feels like to have a breakdown or have no personality.

Mainly therapy has simply increased my instability and pain. The only one which did have a slightly positive effect was the CAT which I actually found quite empowering. But it is a fixed short course of therapy (unlike the others) and I feel I needed much much longer for it to have made any lasting positive impact. I also don't think it was the type of therapy per se which had the effect, but the therapist herself. If I could have had a year with her then maybe the outcome would have been more beneficial. And that's one of the problems on the NHS, you don't really get to chose your therapist. You just get who you're given. Of course you can turn down a therapist, but then you're back on the waiting list 'til who knows when.

My last lot of therapy - the psychoanalysis (which ended summer 2008) - was the most damaging. It plunged me into total chaos again. Which is where I was until spring this year. Now I'm simply back in nowheresville.

And still they keep it coming! They are now offering me a three year package of individual psychotherapy, group therapy plus fortnightly support group meetings to run concurrently (as the judge always says). I jokingly said to the Head of Psychotherapy, "So I get out of jail when I'm 40 then??!!" She didn't really appreciate it.

I've turned it down so far as just being too much to take on at the moment. Given the lack of any progress in the past it just seems ridiculous to carry on doing something that only makes me feel worse. It's still on the table though. Mainly because it's the only thing they have to offer me now.

I'm gutted that therapy was so useless for me. I was a true believer in it. I started studying psychology all those years ago because I actually wanted to be a therapist myself. What a joke! I find it hard to sustain any belief in it at all now. I've never known anybody who was seriously mentally ill actually benefit from it. Obviously I can see it may be of some use for people who merely need to make personality adjustments. But that ain't me.

The other suggestion made by some was about faith. I am an atheist. But at this point I'd like to thank those people who said they'd keep me in their prayers. I do appreciate that. I wish I did believe in god because then when I was awake in the middle of the night I wouldn't feel alone. It's wonderful to feel that there is a being of some sort looking over you, taking care of you etc. But belief is belief and not pretending to believe. It's not something you can fake in my opinion.

Strangely enough I did believe in god for the first 18 months after my breakdown. I mean totally believe. I went from being a complete atheist before to a complete believer. There was no doubt in my mind. But I was able to believe in god for that time because I was completely not myself. It was as though a line had been drawn down on my life and everything I was before was alien to me. I couldn't even begin to understand that person anymore. After those first 18 months I came out of that initial headspace and was then unable to believe anymore.

I do believe however in spirit guides due to my own experiences and the healing I have received. But a spirit guide, to me, is a guide that helps you get where you want to be, if it is possible. They don't show you the way, or answer your wishes/ prayers. They don't have the all encompassing power supposedly had by god. They can't show me the answer to my problems.

I say I believe in guides but I don't claim to understand how this thing works. I have no knowledge about my guide.

Well, that's all got a bit deep hasn't it!

I did feel a sense of relief for having got all that shit out last time - so thank you for reading it. It's weird that it makes a difference to have put it out there in public, rather than just writing it down for myself - which I have done many times previously. I don't know why it makes such a difference though.

I can see for example the extent to which I am hung up on not being able to have a "normal" or "proper" job. Really hung up on that. But now it occurs to me I will just have to hope in the future to find something I can do working on my own/ for myself.

I had reached a stage of feeling that there's no point in trying anything in any sphere anymore. But now I think I'm just going to have to try for the best quality of life I can - which is certainly higher than I have right now ie stopping bingeing and getting back on an even keel with my eating and blood sugar level. This would be beneficial on every level. My behaviour, while not deliberate of course, is only making things much worse. Like Fitcetera says, "stop doing what hurts".

I will have to think for much longer to come up with an answer as to how I can be me again. Any suggestions ....? All thoughts gratefully received.

In the meantime, there was no washing this Tue due to work going on in the basement so I was let off the hook! So no bingeing on Tue or Wed. The bad news is that I binged continuously from the Thursday - Monday before that.

My healer also sent me a card which arrived on Wed. A beautiful card with a lovely message in it. I was able to ring her after that and made an appointment for 2nd Nov to go and see her. Maybe having that goal will help me get myself together a bit.

I think the best thing I can do from here is to a) think how I might go about reforming my headspace into something useful which will enable me to lead a happier more productive life, and b) try (yet again) to improve my physical health by eating healthier and slowly building up my walking time.

So thanks for all your input. I am feeling slightly more positive now. Only slightly mind ...

"Toxic brain dump"

2009-10-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

Leslie (of Something Brilliant is Brewing), "toxic brain dump"? I'll give you toxic brain dump! It doesn't get more toxic than the stuff here, so if you're feeling bad already, then please DON'T READ IT. I wrote it yesterday as just an outpouring and didn't dare post it because it's just C*R*A*P in the sense of crap going round in my brain. But it's also my life story of the the last decade. It's an example of the thinking and thought processes of a depressed person - hence all the repetition. But this doesn't mean there's tons of distortion there. It is actually the truth. This is me.

The X referred to lower down was a man I met and fell in love with before my breakdown in 2000. The failure of that relationship was a major factor in the breakdown.

I've thought recently that I had reached a place of acceptance of my illness but I see from reading this that that is not really the case. I am just in a terminal quiet despair over it.

I apologise in advance for what you are about to read. SORRY.

***

What is bingeing about? For me it's a stepping out of reality. When I binge the calorie content doesn't matter. I can consume vast amounts and there are no consequences for that. Of course there are consequences - but at the time of buying and consumption in my head there are no consequences.

Why do I need to step out of reality? Because reality is too shit. My reality is horrible. My life is a big nothing. A big stressful nothing. I am nothing. Nothing except a failure. A permanent mental health patient who can't hold it together for any length of time. Stuck in inadequate accommodation. No way of ever earning any money ever again. No marriage or kids. No job. No home of my own. My circumstances are grim indeed and it will only get worse as I get older. Because I am under 40 I still have a sliver of hope that any of these things may yet happen. But get past 40 and none of those things will ever happen. That's why I don't think I will live far beyond 40. Because I'll have no hope then. So time is running out for me on this earth.

And yet I spend my days wasting them away with bingeing and not leaving the house. If you had only a short amount of time left on this earth - less than 5 years I am certain - if you were given less than 5 years to live what would you do with the time? Chuck the diet in that's for sure! What else? Travel the world? Spend the time achieving something you always wanted to do before it's too late? I'm sure you'd have a list. I don't have anything I want to do or achieve before I die. That's how unconnected with life I've become. I am like an amoeba. Brainless and intellectually and emotionally numb. A big blob of nothing.

And bingeing is just reflecting or covering up the pain.

The only things I do in life are binge for a while and then diet for a while. I feel like that is all I've done for the last few years. Trapped in this endless cycle.

Of course, when I'm dieting and improving my health and fitness I feel like I'm on an "up", however painful and miserable it is - and the process does cause me to cry a lot. But at least I'm doing something to improve my situation. At least I have a goal, an aim in life. A reason to exist - even if it is only to lose weight. My life is planned around that - food that I'm eating, when I eat, cooking the food. The exercise - walking takes up a lot of time. It feels virtuous. It feels like I'm doing some good. And of course it's undeniable that it's better to be out walking than sat at home. It's better to eat veg and feel healthy than to be stuffing endless amounts of rubbish down myself and feel terrible.

But basically, overall, what am I achieving with my life? If I cut out the bingeing and subsequent necessary dieting, what then? What would be left then?

I have no other achievable goals. I'd like to get a job, but my levels of anxiety and depression make that impossible. I'd like to have got married and had kids but I've never met anyone and have few opportunities to do that now. And who would have me now? I'm a dead loss. I can't earn any money. And in this country at least, no man wants a woman who can't earn money. I tried internet dating but the only men I met were complete non-starters. If they weren't complete non-starters they'd be able to get a girlfriend. And if I weren't complete non-starter I'd be able to get a boyfriend.

I'd like to live somewhere nice but I can't afford it so I'm trapped here.

I can't see anything else I could achieve or do with my life apart from this horrid cycle.

Everyone needs to feel they can achieve something, that there is a reason for them to exist. Many people suffering severe totally incapacitating mental illness which they know is never going to end - like schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder - see the battle for psychological survival in itself as the meaning of their existence. And I did myself for the first year after my first breakdown. Because just to survive that year for me, when I was in such mental chaos and there was no help for me in terms of tablets or a diagnosis that pointed to a specific treatment (my diagnosis has only ever been "depressed after a breakdown"), was an achievement in itself. Every day was an achievement just to get through it. But since then I have got used to this hell. I am not in mental chaos anymore. Just total despair. I exist between this and numbness, because generally it's too upsetting to think about the reality of my situation, all the things I can't have and can't achieve any more. In fact the only good times in the time since my breakdown, almost 9 years ago, are when my eating has been very much under strict control, often (though not always) combined with a rigorous walking regime. And the worst times have been when my eating is completely out of control. They have been desperate despairing suicidal times. BUT in the last two years I'm pretty much desperate, despairing and suicidal all the time. Because I know that time has run out for me.

The only difference now between being fat or not is that when fat I have no confidence at all when I'm out of doors. When thinner it's still a huge struggle to get outdoors, but when there I am more confident. Still stressed, but more confident than when fat. And that's it. Oh yes, I have that sense of achievement when I lose the weight. But it's not real achievement of anything that will actually make a whole load of difference in my life. Yes, being more confident would improve my life a little bit. But how much time do I spend outdoors anyway? At this stage in my life and in my illness, which I believe to be terminal, is it really going to make any difference?

The next important age in my life is going to be 42. I assume this to be the age when I will kill myself. I know what ages are important. I knew since at least the age of 10 or 11 that 28 was a fundamental, important age in my life. I actually thought I would die at that age. And in a way I did - I had a breadown and the me I was before, the competant me that could achieve anything in life if she put her mind to it, died. And I wish I had completely died, because there has certainly has been no reason for me to be alive since then. Since then I have been no more than a shit machine. Next age I knew was important was 36. I thought maybe I was going to have a baby at 36. I really thought that. I didn't know that age was important because I was going to have another breakdown which left me feeling like I would never be intimate with another human being ever again. And also took away any desire for that. And in practical terms I could never have children now because no-one will ever marry me and I would never be able to pay for the support I would need to look after a baby. I mean I can barely look after myself. I wouldn't make someone a good mother. And I feel too old and tired already to do it now. It takes great energy and positivity to do that. I am exhausted from what life has already thrown at me.

But for all I know it could be another breakdown waiting for me at 42. I have no expectation of anything else. Why expect anything else. 28 was certainly a symbolic death. I wish 36 had been a symbolic rebirth. But sadly not. Sadly it has just given rise to endless despair. A sort of emotional flatness borne of trying not to think about things too deeply, or at all, because it just leads to suicidal thoughts. But if you can never address the issues then you can never find a way forward. But I've tried so many times to address them and find a way forward and failed. That is why I've given up. For some people there is no solution.

So what is there left? Making sure I wear a size 8 shroud in my coffin? That feels like the only thing I have left to aim for now.

I am so without hope. But this is not just a lack of hope due to depression and stinking thinking. This is real evidence based lack of hope. I can't see the point in anything anymore.

I've been round that diet trail so many times and it's led nowhere. A feeling of "moving forward" with my life which is actually false. Just another turn of the wheel. Another part of the cycle.

I feel trapped and there's no way out. Not that there's no way out of my weight problems. But that there's no way out of my mental health situation. The weight problem is just a manifestation of that. It has no real importantance at all.

And why am I mentally ill? I can't cope with relationships with other people. It could be argued I don't get to meet many other people to have relationships with. But I had a breakdown in the first place because I was so isolated. I became so isolated because contact with other people seemed too painful. And it still is. Because of the sh*t I feel about myself that I project into other people's minds. Always thinking they think ill of me. And this is not weight dependant. And not dependant on my mental illness. Though neither of these things help of course. They're just things to hang other people's disapproval of me on. I felt that way before the breakdown and when I was thin. I have always felt that way. That I am not worth it. Not worth anything in fact. And there seems no way to change this.

How could I ever become a worthwhile human being? I can't do a job and contribute to the community in that way. I can't be a mother and contribute to society in that way. I know you may say I make a contribution in blogland. But I don't have it in me to write on my blog every day ie to really make it a big thing in my life. To be an inspiration to other people like Diane fit to the finish, or to give people things to think about like Lyn of esccape from obesity. I just don't have it in me.

That's the worst thing of all about having a breakdown. Losing the ability to write. Before it was my raison d'etre. Now I struggle to squeeze a few words out every 3 or 4 days. Really, I find it so difficult. I find I have little of interest to say. I'm bored with myself and my braindeadedness.

Self hatred welling up again.

It doesn't seem like anything I can do would count in the real world. I could do art classes. But it would only be for me. Not for a career or anything I could sell or make a life for myself from. I could study some more, but I'm unable permanently to do a job so what's the point? Just for the sake of it?

I can't anymore cling to anything that's false. And further study would just be false because it's not leading anywhere.

I have tried so many times to work something out, to sort out my life, to find a way of moving forward. And every time I'm buggered because I can't work. That's what it comes down to in the end. I can't actually take part in real life. Not that I don't value all the contacts and support I've found on line. Of course I do. But I have no possibilities in real life and that is the problem. No solutions. And I've needed a solution for the longest possible period of time.

Desperate and suicidal yet again and feeling in need of a binge. So sad that my life is like this. It's been this way ever since X left. I should have killed myself then and avoided all this pain. My life has indeed been fucked up by falling in love with the wrong man. And there is now no way of undoing the damage. It's been too long. There is no way back from here.

***

I should point out that I am not suicidal at the moment. I'll make a deal with you, dear reader, if I'm going to do it, I'll let you know first. I think that's only fair. And then you won't be worrying about me unnecessarily.

Another Tuesday Fail

2009-10-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

You know it all already just from the title. I messed up again due to Tuesday stress. A chocolate and cake binge. It could have been a lot worse. It could have involved donuts and sandwiches and crisps and ice cream. Only the agoraphobia stopped me going back out for more.

The mistake I made was going out AFTER I'd done my washing. I had to go out but I should have done it BEFORE I did the washing. And then I could have just vegged out afterwards. Now I know the rules. Just get bl**dy organised so I don't have to go out on Tuesday at all. And if by some unforeseen calamity it really is necessary then to go out BEFORE I do the washing.

I feel so dumb that I have to make these rules for myself; treat myself like a little child that can't be trusted. I'm an intelligent adult for god's sake. And that's the thing - that I can't trust myself. At least not at the moment.

I didn't eat because I was hungry. I ate because the horrid toddler within wanted a treat, a reward for getting the washing done. A reward for going through the stress of it.

And as with the last chocolate binge I didn't enjoy it beyond the first 100g. In fact I found it really difficult to eat it. I had to FORCE the stuff down. My body really really really didn't want that all that chocolatey sugary goo. Yet force it down I did. Which reminds me that this is a compulsion. Not an addiction. Although certain foods are addictive, I've never really thought of myself as a food addict. Because I eat even when I don't want it all physically. It's like someone compulsively drinking water. You can't be addicted to water, but you can drink it compulsively - and thus do yourself serious harm. People have died from over consumption of water. That is how I feel about food. When I'm eating more healthily, I'm just compulsively consuming large amounts of veg instead of large amounts of chocolate.

After I'd shoved down as much chocolate and cake as I could, I actually started fantasising about the veg and fish I would have had if the binge hadn't occurred. I could actually almost taste it. That's what my body really wanted.

My body has been very happy on the cereal free regime. Very happy. My blood sugar has been flat as a pancake (that would be a low carb pancake with no sugar or syrup obviously). My bowel swelling - which always happens when I binge eat or just eat wheat had gone down by the third day. Amazing! Normally it takes much longer to completely deflate. So now I can't kid myself anymore that my stomach is just that size due to the swelling and I'm left with I very clear idea of just how much fat there is - not pretty.

But the blood sugar is the amazing thing. I have felt hungry at times but that hunger manifested itself in a little tummy rumbling. It was located entirely in my tummy - where it should be. And was thus very easy to ignore. So different from the whole body experience of insulin induced hunger. So it turns out real hunger is actually the easiest to ignore. Then carb induced - which takes a hell of a lot of battling. And the hardest hunger to get round of all is psychological hunger which has nothing at all to do with the calorific needs of your body. And yet this is the most difficult. This is the one that gets me every time. I've always thought that I can handle anything my body throws at me, even the carb induced stuff, if my head is in the right place. If it isn't, then I'm sunk.

Of course I've been getting round that psychological one by the thought of not wanting to have to write up a binge again, which has worked a lot. But yesterday even that thought couldn't stop me. My head was in a different place. The toddler just wanted. And I was dumb enough to respond. To give in.

The only reason it didn't expand into the donuts and so on is that the convenience store was very busy at the time I hit it, and that sent me into a bit of a spin, and then I was standing near the front of the queue thinking of other things I wanted to put in my basket - but that would have meant rejoining a very long queue and I couldn't face it. I told myself I'd just have to come out again if I wanted more - and of course that didn't happen due to the agoraphobia.

So, another Tuesday fail. I found it incredibly difficult to sleep of course after all that sugar so I had a bad night and finally woke up today feeling terrible - very miserable about it all. A miserable failure. And thinking bingey thoughts.

It was only the weather that stopped me going out there and doing more damage today. It just rained torrentially all afternoon. I would have been utterly sodden within 3 minutes of being out and I really hate to get my feet wet!

Now the rain has calmed down and I'm thinking bingeing thoughts again. This is the thing, if the toddler gets it's own way once it thinks it can have it's way again. That's why I have to stamp on it and say No, it was just one day and can't carry on. Like the willpower muscle I read about on someone's blog (sorry can't remember who's). I can come back OK from one bad day, but it's much much harder to come back from more than that.

Having said that, I am still struggling with those thoughts at the moment and don't quite know how I'm going to stop myself. Today has been surprisingly good so far but not because of my willpower.

I've now been given the Over The Top Award by Karen at *FiCETERA* (thank you!) as well as Leslie and Amy, but I'm too depressed to do it tonight. I had planned on posting it last night of course along with celebrations for having got through Tuesday without bingeing. I also had hoped to set myself some goals, but now I feel too wobbly about it all yet again.

Doing OK

2009-10-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys. Thank you for all the offers of tea, shopping and laundry. If I'm ever in America (where most of you live) I'll never be short of a cuppa! Seriously, your support means a great deal to me.

I've been eating pretty well since Wednesday.
Thursday:
200g diet yoghurt + banana + 2 cups 40 cal choc drink with instant coffee added
Fish in parsley sauce + veg + 1 choc drink + Galaxy chocolate bar (48g?)
Fish pie + veg + salad + 1 choc drink

The chocolate bar was left over from my mega binge on Tuesday - I had two left over from that night and ate one on Wed and one Thurs. A miracle I didn't scoff them both for breakfast on Wed - that's what normally happens with any left over binge food. Eating them after a meal with tons of veg meant that it didn't tip my blood sugar off.

Fri: as Thurs except no chocolate bar and 1 extra cup choc drink. Pissed off I had so much choc drink, but I was really fighting the urge to binge in the afternoon. The only thing which stopped me going to the shop and buying the bag of rubbish was the fact that I couldn't face having to write here that I had another bad binge. So accountability does work!

Walked to a supermarket in town in the evening - easy on the way there but very difficult carrying heavy bags on the way back. All that veg weighs a lot more than cakes and chocolate etc.

Sat:
200g diet yoghurt + banana + 2 choc drink with instant coffee
Fish in parsley sauce + veg + choc drink
Binge: 1 bowl porridge (35g oats) with sultanas and honey + banana + choc drink
Fish pie + veg + salad + Ribena Really Light made with hot water

In the evening, before my last meal, I walked 15 mins to a different supermarket in the out of town direction and walked back the long route round the houses which took about half an hour. I really struggled on the way back even though I only had one bag but managed to only stop once for a few moments. I felt so pissed off that I am so unhealthy. Ridiculous at my age to struggle with such a short walk, especially when I was walking 1 1/2 hours several times a week earlier in the year.

I am also really pissed off about that mini binge. I ate it because I had been fiddling for ages trying to get some software downloaded and it was really difficult and frustrating so in anger and tiredness with it all I binged. I ate the porridge because it was already cooked - I had cooked it Wed morning and then decided against it (a first - normally I can't cook porridge and not eat it) - and made the mistake of putting it in the fridge. I should have chucked it because I wouldn't have eaten any porridge on Sat if I'd had to cook it. That 6 minutes of preparation time would have ensured it didn't happen. I know in terms of calories it was still a good day, but I had intended to go a few days with no cereals at all.

And it could have been a whole load worse. After the supermarket I went to a nearby Tesco Express - ostensibly looking for some fish or fish pie. It was a nightmare in there! This was 9pm at night and they close at 11 but they seemed to have a mass of freshly baked donuts, brownies, muffins, pastries etc. The smell filled the whole shop. Why do that so late at night? But they wouldn't do it unless they were going to sell them so I can only guess that people already well refreshed and going from the pub to the clubs in town probably call in there on the way and buy some carbs to absorb some of the alcohol.

I know from experience that I can't manage more than one food shop in a day - my will power tends to collapse the more food choices I am faced with. I wandered around the shop for about 3 minutes looking at so many possibilities but amazingly I made it out of there without buying anything. The thought of how miserable I'd feel to fail yet again stopped me from doing it.

Today:
I woke up about 9 and felt really "off" and like I needed an alcoholic drink - very unusual for me to have a hankering for alcohol. I decided as I was feeling so ropey to go for it and I had my favourite tipple of Ameretto and white rum - only a very small amount - with 2 pieces of crystallised ginger. Then I went back to bed. When I woke up I found I had a big, gurgling cough - the type which threatens to sit on your chest for quite a while. This explains the need for alcohol - I find I often need a tot when I'm fighting something like that.

200g yoghurt with some sultanas on top + 3/4 banana + 2 choc drinks with coffee
200g yoghurt with sultanas sprinkled on top + another 3/4 banana + 1 choc drink
Eve meal: Fish in parsley sauce (sorry to be boring!) + veg + salad + 1 large Worcester apple + 2 small pieces crystallised ginger. Ribena RL and 1 choc drink

I think I had a lighter food day today because of being a bit unwell so I just didn't feel like eating anything heavy earlier on.

So I've had 5 pretty good days. Cutting out cereals ('cept that one bowl) has really calmed my blood sugar down. I haven't been waking up with the carb monster raging and the usual struggle to even wait for the porridge to cook, so my breakfasts have been very light.

The first few days I was quite stressed out with all the prep and cooking and having to do plenty of shopping because I don't have a large enough fridge to store many days veg in. I've calmed down about it now and feel more on top of it. Hearing about the prep that many other bloggers are doing to make sure they have healthy food at the ready has helped (eg escape from obesity and Losing Waist). And having to get out to the supermarket is very good for me both in terms of agoraphobia (although I'm only managing it in the evenings) and exercise.

Yesterday after my binge and all those dreadful thoughts at the supermarket I really didn't think I would carry on with this way of eating. I felt confused. I've had no desire to eat the usual bowl after bowl of cereal and porridge but I'm still quite uncertain about my eating at this point; as to how sustainable it is - can I really keep this up? I've felt so wobbly in myself about it that I've been unable to set any goals or commit to anything which has been really annoying when everyone else is doing "The Hot 100"!

Earlier this year I successfully dieted for 3 months eating The Hay Way - separating carbs and protein, and I ate that way for most of 2007. It was one of the best years I've had in many years; I lost weight and I felt good about my appearance the whole year. My eating went to pot in December 2007 because I had a breakdown of course - due to a combination of psychoanalysis, which I have heartily regretted doing ever since, and trying to reconnect with my father as a part of that - and being rejected yet again. I've been in chaos in my head and with my eating ever since then and put on a huge amount of weight. Apart from 4 bursts of dieting (the longest of which was the 3 months this year) I have been in no routine with my eating at all. The times when I've been dieting, and therefore eating in a regular pattern are the times when I've felt much better psychologically. But which way round is it? Eating in a restrictive regular pattern makes me feel better or I feel better so I can eat like that? I think it's a mixture of both.

So I may go back to eating The Hay Way again as this has been sustainable in the past, but for the moment strangely enough, cereals just seem like so many unnecessary calories - not to mention blood sugar issues. I'm just going to have to continue feeling my way along, not just one day at a time, but one meal at a time.

Finally, thanks to Leslie and Amy for each giving me an Over The Top Award! I'll answer all the questions in my next post and possibly even think of a few people to pass it on to.

Turn around

2009-09-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

The good news first: I've had a Good Food Day today. I got up late and instead of reaching for a carby breakfast of porridge or cereal (2 or 3 bowls) I found I just couldn't face it (more on that later). So I had a diet yoghurt followed by a load of veg I cooked the night before with some fish in parsley sauce (135 cal). And I loved it. I followed it with a caramel Wispa bar. Then I had to go out to see my CPN. We had and a good meeting and when I told her about the continuing trouble with agoraphobia she suggested that once a week someone could meet me at the supermarket and go round with me. Strange that I've never been offered help with this before but then it's rarely been as extreme as it is now. Anyway, that will make sure I get out to the supermarket once a week.

After I'd seen her I was able to do some Good Shopping and I was literally dripping with sweat by the time I got home with heavy bags. It is still VERY warm here (on the SW Peninsular). For tea (as we from the north call it) I had fish pie and plenty of veg and a little salad + a diet yoghurt + low cal choc drink (40cals).

So I have managed a day without any starchy carbs and I didn't even feel like any.

But the reason today has been so good is because last night was so bad - although generally after a bad night the carb monster is still raging. I had a major choc/ cake/ biscuit binge. I hadn't had a binge since last Monday.

The reason for last night's binge? Tuesday is always a bad day because I do my laundry and I get stressed over it and I couldn't face the rest of the evening without a "treat" but instead of buying just one or two things I bought a carrier bag full. So even though I'd cooked a load of veg before I went to the shop I wasn't able to eat it because I can't eat good food when I've just eaten a load of rubbish.

I didn't even enjoy it beyond the first two Cadbury Twirls. I was forcing it down but I didn't want it, need it or enjoy it. I did feel guilty afterwards; that I'd made myself eat food I didn't want. I also felt frightened. Frightened of the effect of all that rubbish. I thought about throwing up afterwards but couldn't quite persuade myself to do it.

Great to feel guilty; that what I did was wrong. And strange to be suddenly frightened. It shows I've come to my senses a bit over my crazy eating. I hadn't binged since the previous Monday, so I went over a week without bingeing. And I wasn't massively overeating dry carbs either. In fact my eating the last week has been more normal than it's been in a long time. Why?

A weird thing happened on the Sunday - I binged and it caused me to cry. I felt miserable that I was putting too much food in my body. Really sad. And then when I got up early on Monday morning after very little sleep I ate the rest of the bingeing food I had in. I got back into bed with the last chocolate bar and when I next looked down at it, it was practically gone and I didn't remember eating it. The down side of eating when you're not fully woken up yet. That shocked me and made me feel really terrible. Like it hadn't been worth it. And I was miserable over my silly binge for the rest of the day. And crying over it.

But I recognised that although I felt bad this was actually a good thing. Whereas before I had cried when trying not to binge, now I was crying because I was bingeing. So my bingeing wasn't reinforced anymore by that feeling of relief and the enjoyment of the food; so I haven't wanted to do it anymore. In fact I had a miserable, down feeling whenever I thought of it last week. Last week when I went to the convenience shop and looked at the bingeing foods I felt turned off, rather than pressing the "go" button in my brain, the lets-just-buy-a-load-of-chocolate-cake-biscuits-crisps etc button that results in a basket full of rubbish.

So why did I reach this point? I think it's because it has just gone too far. It's been going on too long. I'd been bingeing badly almost every day for over 2 1/2 months (with just one week when I didn't binge and ate mainly Readybrek).

Not that I haven't done worse and gone on for longer in the past. But I think the difference is I've never done so little for such a long period of time. I've been feeling ill with pains in the chest, aching, agitation, skin problems. A lot of this is due to sitting indoors hardly moving all day long.

The worst time I ever had in my life was 2002 when put on 6 stone (84lbs) in a few months. But I didn't feel as bad physically as I do now. Why? Well I was getting out a lot more. Just walking into town (15 mins), around town and back again. Walking round with The Bear. And maybe I was just younger then - 30 instead of 37. Makes a difference.

And this time I have really given up on everything. No healing, hardly ever going into town at all, no going to the library. I've only seen The Bear about twice and my CPN twice (apart from today) during this mad bingeing phase.

All this time I have chosen food over people. All "normal life" has been suspended. I have been too ashamed to go out and be seen by other people and spend time with other people. But working through all that stuff about shame has really helped me. A couple of days ago I went into town on my own and sat in a cafe and read a book. I was self conscious and worried who might see me, but I was also relieved and happy that I did it. Not having binged for a week helped too of course. Really annoying then that as soon as I got stressed I binged again.

I think the solution to the Tuesday problem is to go to bed for 2 or 3 hours. Sean (DD of a WL) said that when he felt like bingeing he used to go to bed and when he woke up the need to binge was gone. And Nora (Green Stone Woman) often uses the method of going to sleep when she feels bad and when she wakes up her brain is reset. So this is what I'm going to do next Tuesday. Have to wait and see if it works.

BTW My healer really loved the flowers - she texted me to say she was "over the moon" with them. I hope I'll be going to see her again in the next 2 to 3 weeks. I'm really looking forward to it.

PS I accidentally deleted an email entitled something like "Extremely Confidential". So if you sent such an email, please send again (unless it was junk)!

Lighter Post!

2009-09-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys. Thank you for plenty of really great comments yet again. I'm going to write about those issues in another post. But today is a lighter post with no navel gazing!

Tammy of From Fat to Fab has awarded me the Honest Scrap award. I haven't won any awards since I was 11 years old so I have to admit that I'm quite pleased about it! Conditions of the award are that you have to tell people 10 things they didn't already know about you and to chose 10 people to give the award to. While I'm up for the first of these I don't really go with the second part. I think you should give the award to the people you think truly deserve it rather than have to stick to a specific number. Also I think it's a bit silly to give it to someone who's already been awarded one of these. Once is enough!

10 things:
1) I have red hair (dyed these days)
2) I am educated in psychology to postgrad level
3) I had a breakdown late 2000, and another end 2007
4) The only person on TV or in film I fancy is Kevin Whately aka Lewis in Inspector Morse. When I am severely anxious I get under the bedclothes and listen to him reading Morse novels.
5) I have a very large Sindy doll collection
6) I used to be an Ebay addict (explains no.5!)
7) I wanted to be a detective when I was a child until I realised I'd have to join the police - I'm too much of a rebel ever to wear a uniform
8) I wanted to be a fashion designer until eating disorders made it too painful to look at fashion magazines anymore
9) I love gardening but have never owned my own garden
10) I am a scorpio but not the sexy jealous stab you in the back sort. I even lived with 2 other scorpios in a shared house when I was younger and we never had a cross word between us.

Here are the blogs I would like to pass the award on to (all in my blog list):

A Healthy Mind and Healthy Body - Chris is maintaining her weight and is honest about the difficulties involved in doing this. Her blog is well worth a visit if you haven't already. She plans out her food for every day and puts up beautiful photos of her healthy colourful meals. She is honest about the fact that she still sometimes binges and finds herself struggling to stay in control. There are also many beautiful photos of the countryside where she lives and places she has been on her travels recently eg Hampton Court Palace, London and Windsor. Highly recommended!

Vicarious Therapy - Aqua writes about her depression and how it impacts on her life. She is very brave.

The Green Stone Woman - Nora is an amazing writer who usually posts once or twice a day. I find both her honesty and her writing totally inspiring.

Wishing and Discovering - Cheryl writes about the struggles her family have been through dealing with a mentally ill child. You'll also find many beautiful photographs of the area where she lives.

Something Brilliant is Brewing - Leslie writes about her battles with the inner binger and her analyses recently have been getting quite deep!

Losing Waist - This lady is searingly honest about her eating problems, body image issues, relationships, the lot. Again, very brave.

The winners can copy the award above to their own blog. Enjoy!

Shame and Guilt

2009-09-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

Firstly I want to thank all those people who left such excellent comments to the last post on shame. They are definitely worth a look if you haven't already. To give you a flavour: Natalie (my kashi diet) felt that she was rarely motivated by shame whereas Amy H. (no to the deuce) thought that shame serves a positive purpose in society and had motivated her to lose weight. Pamela, who was the original inspiration for that post, made the distinction between guilt and shame and left a link to Brene Brown's site http://www.brenebrown.com/watch-video-excerpts/ which has three videos discussing these issues. I found them illuminating. Brene's definition: "shame is this intensely painful feeling or belief that we are flawed and somehow inadequate and unworthy of connection [with other people]". Her basic thesis is that shame acts to disconnect us from other human beings and is highly correlated with continuing bad or destructive behaviours, whereas guilt is about wanting to put right what we have done and therefore about reconnection. Leslie (something brilliant is brewing) summed it up perfectly in her comment "shame is not productive ... it is destructive and perpetuates self-hating behaviours. Guilt or even regret can motivate self reflection and eventual change. Shame sends me to despair about WHO I am, not WHAT I've done."

In writing that last post I was trying to deal with the crushing shame I have felt recently over my eating behaviour and consequent appearance. Shame has certainly acted as a motivator for me to lose weight in the past. I would reach the point where I felt such intense shame over my appearance that the only way to ease it was to get off my butt and get dieting and walking to lose the weight. And as I was walking I would be thinking every step of the way about how great it would be when I could go out in public again and not feel ashamed of myself and my appearance. So shame can be a positive motivation if it is about reconnecting with others.

But on the other hand if the ONLY way you can be acceptable to others is by being thin then ultimately this is not a positive thing. And this is the down side of the way that I used shame as my motivation. I felt (and still feel) that I am unworthy of connection with other people unless I look as perfect as I possibly can. This is a legacy of my family's ethos that I have no right to exist unless I am perfect. This is a situation in which I can never be worthy of existence as of course no-one is perfect.

It would be much better for me to feel that I was acceptable to other people based on my personality, SOH, caring etc rather than my weight. To echo Leslie, my self worth should be based on WHO I am rather than what I weigh. And in that sentence is the whole problem. That who I am is essentially a flawed, unlovable and unlikable person - according to my family at least. So in the end all I had left was trying to look good, to make the outside as good as it could be because the inside was never going to be worth anything anyway. So this is how I have come a cropper. When I was unable ever to feel thin enough (see 16th sep post) I was f*cked.

To feel worthy of connection with other people must be about the inside of me, not my appearance. This is the way forward.

And guilt? After noting Brene's ideas about the positive effect of guilt I realised that I have never felt guilt or anything approaching it over my eating. Not ever. Why? Because I could never feel guilt about hurting myself; I am just not worth it. I thought, OMG, is there something majorly wrong with me; am I some kind of psychopath incapable of feeling guilt? But no, I feel terrible guilt if I ever even accidentally hurt anyone else. But to feel guilt about hugely destructive behaviour towards myself is an alien concept to me.

The best thing here then (if you're still with me!) would be to love myself and care about myself and therefore feel guilt for feeding myself total rubbish and making myself fat and feeling ill all the time and reducing my quality of life to nil. Then to resolve to feed myself better and get some exercise so I can enjoy life and feel healthy. This is the ideal. This is what I should be aiming at.

In the meantime guilt over the fact that my bingeing has hurt someone else is at last proving a motivator to turn this thing around and get myself going again. And at this point I'm glad to have this motivation.

Here's the story: a healer who I used to go and see weekly at her house had sent me several texts over the last few days trying to reach out to me as I haven't been to see her while I've been in this current crisis (2 1/2 months now). But I didn't get them because of a problem with my phone. Then last night all the texts suddenly arrived and I felt SO GUILTY. She said how worried she was about me, she missed me and she wished we could talk. There were three texts like this. I felt so bad that she has been worrying over me and feeling upset, even though it wasn't my fault the phone isn't working properly. I feel so upset that this connection with such a sweet, caring person has been broken due to all the bingeing and excessive eating I've done recently. I cried and cried over it and am still crying now.

So this is my motivation to get better. So that I feel able to go and see her again. She is so good to me and sends me healing when I don't see her. She is a true friend and I am hurting her by staying away. I have to stop all the bad eating. I HAVE to get healthy enough to walk up the very large steep hill where she lives.

The shame over my behaviour has not been enough to stop me this time - it has just made me feel very bad about myself and caused me to hide away from other people. But the guilt over hurting someone else really makes me want to change.

I wrote her a letter today apologising about the phone and about not being in contact with her, and the florist will deliver it tomorrow evening with a large bouquet of flowers.

I AM going to repair the damage I've done - for her sake and ultimately for mine too.

The binge that saved my ancestor

2009-09-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

Introduction or disclaimer: I was in two minds about whether to put up this piece or not. It seems to be a complete contradiction to the last post, diametrically opposing the idea that there is no such thing as "natural fatness". That post was about being told I was fat when I was not and therefore spending my entire life feeling I was fat, even when I was, in reality, thin. In writing this post I was trying to deal with the very great shame I am carrying over my eating issues and the consequent damage to my appearance. It's unfortunate I got into using the word natural. What I was really trying to say was that EDs are an adaptive response; the interaction of natural biological and psychological responses to the behaviour of other people and the food available in our environment.

I thought about perhaps changing it all, completely rewriting it with the emphasis on adaptive responses. But what I am saying here is that eating behaviours are natural, normal and human, and only what is to be expected given the environment a person has grown up in and evolutionally potentiated biological preferences.

What I am not saying is that that means a large percentage of us should just accept being fat. This is not a fat acceptance piece. I want to be thin. I've wanted to be thin all my life. Maybe what I am saying is that the reasons a lot of us struggle with our weight are just the expected responses given our lives and circumstances, and therefore there is no need for shame. And also, that if we do understand the complex processes and interactions involved then we have more of a chance of changing them.

Am I deluded or confused? I'll leave you to decide.

***
The Binge That Saved My Ancestor

Shame. There's so much shame in our lives. If you are a binge eater or overeater then you know what I'm talking about. I read Pamela's post (see Uncovering Pamela, 3rd Sep) about her shame over a 30lb weight gain. My reaction and that of those who commented was that she shouldn't feel shame, that these things happen and she should not feel bad about herself for it. We can see how useless shame is, how negative it is, how it makes a person who is feeling bad already feel even worse about the situation. We want to take all that shame away from them and make them feel better.

Of course we can think all this when someone else feels shame about their weight; it's a whole different ball game when it's our own shame. When we feel the shame of having been "out of control", of having binged or eaten too much, of having visible weight gain - and especially if it comes after having lost a load of weight, then it's our dirty secret and we can never imagine being able to jettison that embarrassment over our behaviour and appearance.

It feels like our shame is a "natural" reaction to having done something terribly wrong. That being "out of control" around food means that we are "bad" in some way. That wanting to eat more than we "need" means we are behaving badly. That we are at fault.

But what if the bingeing and the overeating are the natural things, the natural responses to a particular set of circumstances in your life? No-one deliberately sets out to wilfully overeat or binge. It is a natural part of human existence.

Many women wish that they could eat "intuitively" and maintain a (UK) size 8 or 10 figure; they wish that it came "naturally" to them and that there is something inherently "wrong" with them that they can't do this. That struggling to maintain themselves at that size is a failure of sorts in itself. That this battle is unnatural.

But in fact the idea that intuitive eating means only eating small amounts of food and thus being thin is utterly unnatural. Do you think a cave man would turn down any food at all? Do you think a cave man would chose the lower fat option (assuming he had any options at all)? Do you think they would turn down a salty option? The sweet option? Humans are designed to seek out the fatty, salty, sweet options. Humans are designed to eat when there is food available. And if it's available in quantity they eat it in quantity. Because millions of years ago, thousands of years ago, even 100 years ago, that was the only way to stay alive. As Steven Pinker says, we are only evolved as far as the stone age.

And eating when you're feeling stressed, exhausted, depressed? Again entirely natural and entirely adaptive to the survival of the human race. When our ancestors were stressed it was generally because their very existence was in peril. Did they ever feel down? Well you know how bad it feels when you don't have very much to eat ... that feeling was designed to make sure that you do eat when food is available. Ditto the comforting feeling when you have eaten a good meal. And when you feel exhausted at work but just have to keep going? Eating snacks is the natural way to get your blood sugar back up.

So far from being natural, being thin in a society where food is overwhelmingly abundant, available in any quantity at any time of the day or night, in the sugariest, saltiest, fattiest combinations possible, is highly unnatural. To maintain a thin figure is to be battling your natural biology and psychology every step of the way.

And all this without even considering each individual's personal history of complex interactions with people and food. Each person will have formed their own adaption to the circumstances they have been presented with. Positive and negative connotations of different foods, acceptance or not of their own body and the different body shapes of other people, their family relationships, and the eating behaviours of their family and of society in general. A huge amount of information transmitted, neural pathways created and reinforced, interactions between biological imperatives and psychological processes; our resultant eating behaviour is not our fault. But that doesn't mean we can't change it. Change is possible. But I think understanding is necessary first.

You are a child of nature.

There is no need for shame.

****

In 1665 in a village in Derbyshire (UK Midlands) called Eyam, the Bubonic plague arrived in a flea infested sample of cloth sent from London. Quickly people became ill with the terrifying symptoms of black spots on the skin which actually rotted while they were still alive, vomiting and coughing blood, diarrhea, swelling, fever, pain. Whole families started to die. Instead of fleeing to safety, the villagers voluntarily agreed to quarantine themselves so as to stop the spread of this virulent disease. Food and other supplies were left for them at the edge of the village. By the time the plague burnt itself out less than a quarter of the villagers were still alive. Most of the survivors are thought to have been immune to the illness due to a particular gene mutation which is present throughout European populations. It was very rare to actually contract the disease and survive it.

But my ancestor did. She was wild with fever and in her delirium she consumed an entire piggin of bacon fat (a piggin is a large jug or pail as for collecting water). She survived. This mega pure fat binge probably gave her body the energy it needed to fight off the deadly plague. This "binge" was her body and mind's natural response. Yes, she was under the severe stress of illness and impending death, she was exhausted and despairing over the deaths of many people and the collapse of her entire world. Yes, she was "out of control".

Do you think she felt shame?

I'm not naturally fat

2009-09-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

The last time I saw my CPN I said something which made her look at me like I'm really weird. I told her that I'd discovered I'm not naturally fat. She was at a loss as to how to respond to this earth shattering piece of information, and we were out of time so it was just left hanging there in the air without any further explanation.

What I meant was that I have thought all my life up to this point that I was "naturally fat". That whatever I ate and whatever my size I was always destined to feel fat and look fat and be fat. This is because all through my childhood my cruel grandmother told me I was fat, too fat, naturally fat, shouldn't be eating the food that she had just given me, only a small portion for you, it's very naughty to be eating this - as she put my food in front of me, you'll always have to be careful, you'll always have to watch what you eat etc etc etc. All this stress at every meal I ate with her and I wasn't even an overweight child. I was never overweight until after I had suffered from anorexia and bulima as a teenager (no surprise as to why I became eating disordered). Weight wasn't the only stick she chose to beat me with - it wasn't just metaphorical beatings either. She picked on me in every possible way she could think of. That's how she got her kicks. By destroying everyone close to her.

I have gone through life always believing I was fat, even at those times when I was, in reality, quite thin. I have lived under the tyranny of fatness all my life.

So it is a revelation recently to realise that I've had to eat quite a lot to get as big as I am now. It is NOT "natural fatness". And to realise this is to see that thinness is possible for me. And I don't just mean actually being a smaller size. I mean feeling that I'm thin when I am a smaller size.

When I was thinner I wore a mac down to my knees so strangers in the street wouldn't see my "fat" thighs, shirts which covered over my bum so no one would be looking at it thinking how "big" it was. I chose clothes very carefully being supersensitive about showing any area that I thought didn't look so good.

When I was thin I suffered severe stress over imagining that people thought I was fat. I have never lived without this stress. But I'm determined that if I ever manage to get thin again I WILL enjoy it. I will believe in it.

Is it rude to tell a complete stranger to Google Sean Anderson?

2009-09-13T09:12:00.001-07:00

Hi Guys. I was in my local store a couple of evenings ago and saw a guy looking around the shop with a sort of wild look on his face. He looked at me with this weird expression for a few moments and at first I was worried he was looking at me in particular because I'm such a mess - unwashed hair with massive roots showing, glasses on, - haven't worn my contact lenses since this bingeing episode started weeks and weeks ago - and pudgey face. Then he looked away and I was grateful and got on with making my selections. It was only afterwards I realised this guy was looking round quite wildly because he was frightened. And I realised that I often do what he was doing when I go anywhere where there are other human beings; looking to see if anyone is looking at how bad I look.

I've never seen him before, but he looked like a well to do 40 something businessman with a smart shirt and trousers on. So the reason for his fear? He was only a whisker away from bursting the seams on everything he was wearing. I've never seen a man wearing such tight clothes ever before. He was only getting the trousers done up with a very tight belt round the waist which created a large dent in his rotund figure. He was obviously very embarrassed about his size. He must have put on quite a bit of weight fairly recently and not yet upsized his clothes. I really felt for the guy - my trousers are particularly tight over the butt right now and I am in very tight belt territory myself. And afterwards I did think, would it be rude to tell a total stranger to Google Sean Anderson?

What can I tell you? I have been bingeing on chocolate, crisps, sandwiches and a few muffins since Friday night. Yesterday I felt OK during the day, let off the hook, freedom to eat what I want. I felt good. But today, of course, I feel not so good.

I managed to wash my hair - which I hate doing because it's half an hour bent over the sink with my hands above my head. But I got through it quite easily yesterday. I still have to dye it. That job takes over 2 hours altogether. I need to get it done tomorrow - I don't feel up to it today. I need to have clean hair but also a slight layer of grease on my scalp to protect my skin from all the chemicals. Otherwise all the skin flakes off my scalp. I use a herbalish dye - Herbatint - which has less chemicals than most dyes and is safe for use in pregnancy and chemotherapy - but I still end up with a swollen face afterwards. It's much less worse than the usual chemical dyes though - with those I always have nasty spots on my face afterwards as well as the swelling, and feel that it takes 48 hours for all the poison to be processed out of my system.

The downside with Herbatint is that it takes a long time to "take". At least 45 minutes. Because I have long hair it takes 15 minutes to put it on, then the 45 min wait, then rinsing it out, then washing with the special neutralising shampoo (essential otherwise the hair has a funny texture afterwards), then conditioning (again essential) and final rinsing. So that's a whole hour of rinsing, washing, rinsing, conditioning, rinsing. A whole hour of being bent over with my hands over my head. Horrible. But necessary. What we do for "beauty" eh? Ha ha!

I have often thought about having my hair cut short so I could wash it so much easier, but I've never done it. Big hair is great for "hiding" behind, and for balancing out a big body.

I've found a local OA group which meets on Thursday evenings. I'm going to ring the co-ordinator tomorrow. As long as she expects me to turn up then I will feel duty bound to do so. It's always easier for me to get out when I'm meeting someone.
They also hold art classes at the same venue so I'm going to get the info on those too. The Autumn term should be starting soon.

I feel quite positive about the prospect of doing these new things. But tomorrow when I try to put my trousers on it'll be a different story ...

More rubbish

2009-09-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

This is difficult to write. I am making myself post tonight even though I really don't want to. But when you're blogging you have to keep going. I feel bad if I don't post!
And I feel I haven't been posting half enough. I must get myself into the discipline of posting most days even when I don't feel up to doing anything. In my defence I will say that I spend quite a lot of time commenting on other people's blogs.

I haven't been making myself do very much for most of this week. Tuesday was a bad stressful day. It started with hardly any sleep followed by a lot of itching on waking as the stress hormones were raging. I had to take an anithistamine asap. I find myself being very reactive these days. Much more than I used to be. Quite small things set me off.

After having porridge, I got out early and walked along the river to get to the other side to go to the health shop for the stuff I need to dye my hair. I have needed to get this stuff for weeks - I have well over an inch of grey roots showing. The walk along the river itself was quite nice. But after I'd been to said shop and called in at Boots I started to feel really unwell. A combination of lack of sleep, my nerves, and the tiredness brought on by antihistamines. I had to sit down on a bench for a while.

I walked back along the river and went home and did my laundry. I didn't even manage to feel good about myself for having done that walk.

On Wednesday and Thursday I did nothing. Nothing except eat too much - low fat carbs, fruit, milk, low cal yoghurt, low cal sandwiches.

It's like I've given up on myself really. That my life has reduced to sitting in this chair in front of the TV while surfing on my laptop or eating. I have hardly done anything else in weeks and weeks.

Part of me thinks "Why bother?" Why bother trying anymore? My life is going to be rubbish whatever I do. I might as well just sit here until I die.

Another part of me thinks "How can I break out of this?" Maybe I could do an adult education class? I could do an art class now as my hands are much better at the moment - such a class has been an impossibility for most of the last 3 years while my hands have been so bad. Of course, I don't know how long my hands will stay good, so I should grab the chance while I can. But do I have the confidence to face all those people? My appearance is so dreadful it saps all my confidence.

Maybe I should try Overeaters Anonymous. As posted previously, I've always been too scared to talk about my food issues. But since writing this blog and reading other people's struggles, I do feel I might be able to do this now. Perhaps, in itself, this is a significant step forward.

I think with a huge amount of effort I could get myself out walking and I could deny myself food and therefore lose some weight. But I will relapse again. I will go through all the pain of going without food for a while only to relapse at some stage in the future. It always happens.

My life is just going round in circles.

I have been suicidal at times this week. I read Vicarious Therapy's (see blog list) post about thinking she is just an afterthought with her family. Hell, at least she has family members to talk to on the phone. I really am alone in this life. No-one would even notice if I didn't wake up tomorrow morning. I only hear intermittently - about every two weeks (sometimes much longer) - from The Bear. And usually it is only when he needs something from me, ie a phone call making, or advice for his girlfriend etc. It hurts that he is only really using me. But I have no right, of course, to complain. I am lucky to still have any contact with him. Without him, dear reader, I would be dead right now.

It's not that I want to be with him, because I don't, but I would like him to be able to consider me sometimes, and to be able to see beyond his own needs sometimes. The fact that he can't do this is why I split up with him. So it's a bit ridiculous to expect anymore from him as a friend. And I do prefer him as a friend - he was such hard work as a boyfriend!

I just wish there was someone in my life who would actually care about me. But this isn't about having a boyfriend. What I wish for is the thing I can never have ie family members who care about me, not a sexual relationship. I wouldn't be upset never to have sex again. I've had to have sex far too many times in previous relationships when I didn't want it to be bothered with that ever again. Sex just isn't on my agenda.

If you don't have family then there is nothing you can ever do about it. It's the thing I can never get over. There's no sustitute for having family members who are a) alive and b) want to have contact with you and care about you.

So this is the unsolvable problem.

Slightly better, sadly no will power involved

2009-09-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys. Thank you to those fellow bloggers who left messages of support after the last post. Your support means the whole world to me.

Just seen a brilliant ad on TV where a woman is getting a quote from a plumber (with a bad case of workman's bum!) and before he delivers the catastrophic news ie how much it's going to cost, an airbag inflates from her stomach to cushion her against the blow! And my only thought on watching this was that I have a built in airbag on me at the moment in the shape of my swollen stomach. There's a whole load of stuff in there about people using fat as a defence against the world ...

Anyway, as it says in the title, things are slightly better. I am eating a more moderate amount of food. But sadly this has nothing to do with will power or strength or resolve of any kind, and everything to do with me feeling really ill since Friday. On Friday morning I got up feeling very hungry - probably as a result of the sudden exertion on Thursday ie being out for a few hours - and so I ate a lot, a mountain of food for "breakfast", and felt incredibly ill afterwards for the rest of the day. And since then I have simply been unable to eat to excess again due to feeling so ill and having quite a bit of stomach pain.

I'd so like to say it was a conscious decision, that I was at last making sensible choices, better choices etc. But that is not the case. I am just being physically prevented from binge eating at the moment. It makes me think a lot of Lisa's decision (see Less of Lisa on blog list) to consider going for a gastric band.

What you eat, when you eat, how much you eat is all about habit. Once you are in a good habit it's quite easy to keep going - unless something upsets the apple cart of course (which is what always happens to me) - but if life gives me an even chance, with nothing too stressful going on I can keep it up. In fact I actually enjoy the challenge of having boxes to tick every day and getting into bed at the end of the day and being able to tick all those boxes. It gives you a sense of achievement. Even when I cry every step of a walk due to the pain of my psoriasis - and I've done plenty of that earlier this year - I can enjoy the immense satisfaction afterwards that I've actually done it.

So the problem isn't doing it, but getting into it in the first place. Getting into the habit of eating much less and moving far more - getting to that place is very difficult. Because every aspect of your being is set up to expect large amounts of food and/or calorie dense foods, both physically and psychologically. To overturn all those expectations is really hard work, igoring your body's constant demands for food, and doing exercise which (at first) as you're doing it just makes you feel really bad physically, requires an iron will. If you are not in a place of any psychological strength at the start then it can become insurmountable.

As you may have guessed, dear reader, I am not in a place of any psychological strength right now. Therefore the facility of willpower is not readily available to me.

So my body is, for once, giving me a helping hand in making me too ill to eat too much in one go.

Shattered

2009-09-04T11:17:00.000-07:00

Caution: I am aware that we are under a full moon tonight. If you are feeling bad at the moment then please DO NOT READ ON. I am not writing this post with the intention of making anyone else feel bad, but just for myself and to let you know how things really are in my life.

So tired today. Got a migraine trembling on the edge. Thing behind the eyes going on and headache. No doubt carb induced. Been going on for hours now and I don't know if it's going to go full blown or not. About 10 years ago I used to get them regularly and would be in bed for 3-4 days with a bad one. But since then I've had probably no more than a handful and probably only one full blown.

I am feeling wrecked. Total wreckage.

Needless to say I didn't make it to healing as I haven't been out today.

Part of this exhaustion is because I was out for quite a few hours yesterday. And part is a carb hangover. I have just eaten totally to excess the last 3 days. I am aching all over from it. I have eaten so much that the food is coming out the other end only partially digested (no laxatives involved). I will never feel the same way about muesli again ...

I had to go out because I had an appointment with my CPN. She was glad to hear that I haven't been suicidal since our last meeting 2 weeks ago. That meeting was with the head of the psychotherapy department to see what they might be able to offer me. I told them I had been seriously suicidal in the previous few weeks of bingeing hell. I actually contacted Dignitas, the Swiss euthanasia clinic, after reading their website to see if they could help me. They do offer their services for people who are not terminally ill, and have in the past helped people with mental illness to kill themselves. But under Swiss law they need to have it signed off by a psychiatrist and currently they don't have anyone working with them who can do this. The return email said I should keep in touch in case the situation changes.

I thought about Dignitas because it is a safe way to kill yourself ie you are guaranteed to die. The only thing that stops me doing it myself is the high chance of ending up damaged or disabled rather than dead, guns not being readily available in this country.

When I told The Bear about my emailing them he said it was a waste of money and I could save the estimated 7,000 pounds and kill myself for free! I hasten to add that most of the money does not go to Dignitas themselves but is legal, mortuary, post mortem, cremation, etc fees. There's a hell of a lot of paperwork when someone goes through this process.

I really admire the the spirit of Dignitas. To give people the freedom to make their own choice in a safe humane way. Their work is brave indeed and I am very grateful that they are there. They face continual battles to keep the service going and I hope they will keep on with it.

Meanwhile, re the therapy, I have already, over the years, had psychodynamic therapy, cognitive analytic therapy, and psychoanalysis. So now the nice lady is offering me a programme of group therapy plus individual therapy. I can honestly say that therapy has never helped me at all to date and I'm not desperately keen to do anymore. But what else is there? I can't do ADs due to side effects so this is all that's on offer. There is nothing else.

This is why I was suicidal recently. Because I can see no way forward from here.

I suppose since that meeting - which ended simply with a decision to meet again at the therapy department in three months time - I have felt there might be something in the future. But I don't know.

I know some will say this is evidence that I shouldn't take my own life as things may improve. But I have been in this hell for so long already. I can't see that my life will ever be worth living.

I hasten to add that I'm not suicidal right now - which may be due, in part, to the 5-HTP I am taking, as well as the (very) faint possibility that some treatment in the future may make a difference.

Re food: The really frustrating thing is that I know my body wants, indeed is crying out for veg, salad, fish and fruit. Yet I still can't eat it for some reason. I am listening to my body - well I could hardly miss it as it's screaming at me - but I'm unable to respond in the appropriate manner. Why am I so unable to take care of myself?

BTW Sorry my formatting collapsed in the previous post. I pressed a wrong button and couldn't undo it no matter how hard I tried.

A Bad Day

2009-09-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

I went out early today to do my shopping - and didn't find it too difficult to get out or be out. When the agoraphobia isn't 100% full on, I can manage very early, before most other people are around, or very late. It's just the 12 hours in between that I have the problem with.

Anyway, I've been so worried recently about not getting out and continually running out of food, that I made sure I wouldn't run out in the near future by buying loads and loads and loads. I think you can probably already imagine the rest before I tell you ...

A lot of bloggers complain that they are good all day and then binge in the evening. But I'd say although it's bad to binge any time of the day or night it's much worse to binge first thing in the morning because then your blood sugar is kaput for the whole day.

And yes Chris I do that multiple slices of toast with sugar free jam thing too. So I'm typing with jammy fingers. My laptop will suffer a certain amount of crumb infiltration if I'm not careful now ...

Just searched for "adult education (my town)" and came up with

"Naughty (my town) Wifes [sic]

Husband Out For Work: You In For

Naughty Pleasure. Join For Free"

Is that educational? Sadly I'm not married.

Anyway, why the binge? A certain amount of domestic stress - I won't go into the details. This is really annoying; that any even fairly medium sized stressor can set off the bingeing. I've only had about 3 hours of sleep each of the last two nights which is a very bad sign in retrospect.

The only good I can draw from this is that most of the food I've been eating is not of the fatty and/or sugary variety. The one or two items of fatty food that I did have provided no "hit" for me. I was surprised that I didn't really enjoy them. This is due to breaking the fatty food addiction with orlistat. I ate the fatty and sugary things first of course and then threw about half back up and took orlistat for what was left to ensure that addiction didn't take hold again. But I still have a bad carb thing going on.

For the rest of the day I've been compulsively eating (without any vomiting) low fat carbs - multiple bowls of muesli, bananas, dates, sandwiches, large quantities of crumpets and toast with half fat soft cheese and all fruit spread ... Definitely better than the stuff I was eating in the previous bingeing weeks. But still way way way too much; leading to several hours this afternoon of scary severe stomach pain followed by near diarrhea.

With the physical consequences of this behaviour being so bad - not forgetting of course the obvious weight gain - it just hammers it home yet again that this is a mental illness. My body definitely doesn't want me to do all this to it. Yet at the time it was the only way of dealing with my stress, anxiety and depression. I did consider taking a tranquilizer - I have a few left over from some dental treatment I had last year - but it didn't appeal. Would have probably been the better thing to do though I'm thinking now.

The previous evening I had dealt with the stress by drinking alcohol. Better than eating and don't worry I'm in no danger of being an alcoholic - I can't tolerate very much alcohol at all. I only had about 3 units worth. I did consider - at least I was considering the other options to eating I'm thinking now - I did consider having a drink this morning but couldn't do it. My body just doesn't like alcohol that much. But then it doesn't like vast quantities of food that much either lol!

Hopefully, as the stressor has now receded, I will calm down in the next few days and manage to reduce my food intake to where it was. I had hoped to get back to my diet this week, but as I have to cut down gradually I can't see myself getting there until next week now which is really pissing me off.

All I can do is try to stay calm and keep going....

Tough weekend

2009-08-30T17:19:00.000-07:00

Today my mood is totally different to my jubilation on Friday. It has been a tough weekend. I feel like what happened on Friday was almost supernatural. Like not me at all. That I was very guided to doing what I did. I'm sure I felt so good because I was sent a lot of healing that day. The people who give the healing are so good to me. Someone always send me healing on Friday morning to help me get there. And on the rare occasions when I don't turn up they always send me plenty of healing.

It was a brilliant day, both for eating, being able to ignore my hunger and feel OK about it, and for the fact that I now have a totally useable, ultra clean fridge and freezer!

But obviously eating so eating much less for one day was bound to have a knock on effect. The carb monster has been on me ever since then. I tried to hold off but I couldn't. I was back to the 6 bowls of Readybrek on Saturday.

Friday made me realise how much this thing is in my head. That when I'm in the right place in my head I can control my eating - ignoring my hunger, making good decisions, and using tablets to help control cravings if necessary. Chris said something very insightful in her Thurs comment - that my agoraphobia is probably so bad because I am trying to tackle my eating problems. I think this is true. I'm seeing how much I have been "self medicating" with food; eating to cover my depression and anxiety.

When I'm in bingeing mode, every time I feel bad, I eat to feel better. Feeling bad emotionally is the prompt that tells me it's time to eat. I treat that feeling as though it's hunger. And this pattern is so difficult to get out of. Because when I feel bad I have no response to that if I'm not using food as my way of dealing with it. Hence I have been crying and feeling down and depressed the last couple of days. Grimness.

I have on previous occasions been through this pain when "coming off food", and it involves lots and lots of crying. I suppose, as with all addictions, this is a withdrawal effect. It seems to be especially bad in the first 2 weeks, and up to 4 weeks after "giving up" food. This tells me that it doesn't go on forever. It is only a few weeks. But I don't think I can deal with it at the moment. It's too much.

I've considered if I should try taking anti-depressants (ADs) so that I am dealing with the depression that way. But this would be a difficult path for many reasons. Firstly that ADs take 2-4 weeks to get working so I would have had to start them a while ago. If I had fully cottoned on to what was going on here, I could have looked at that way of dealing with it. But I wasn't so clearly aware as I am now. The awareness has come from writing all this down. I have never written or spoken about this stuff before hardly at all. Let alone just letting it all hang out here!

I could've spoken or written about it before but I've always been scared to do that because when I've attempted it, it's only made the problem worse. Just as adverts for food, recipes or articles in magazines, seeing people eat on TV etc can set me off bingeing, then talking about it always seemed to be an immediate trigger. It brought it to the front of my mind, like full on danger, red light flashing, total terror. So I shutdown that possibility. I couldn't cope with it. It was just too dangerous to talk about.

I'm not saying I could talk about it now - I don't know at the moment. But writing about it and even more importantly, reading other people's experiences, has really started to get all this in perspective for me. Provided a safe way for me to think about it. In fact I've thought about very little else recently.

So this is the power of blogging!!!

It's not just the reading, but also the suggestions make me think about why for example I can't buy my shopping over the internet and get it delivered as Chris suggested. I have, of course, sometimes thought about this. But now I really have to think about it because I want to give a response back when someone has taken time to think about my situation and make suggestions and write a comment. Whereas when it's just in my head, I can let it go. When I am not accountable to anyone else - (and lots of people have written about setting up a weight loss blog to be accountable) - then those thoughts can just be left, can drift away. But now I have to think, "Why can't I allow myself to have some shopping delivered?" Is it because that would be making things too easy for myself? Is it just because I haven't done it before? Is it because the cost of about 5 pounds to have it delivered seems ridiculous when there are shops just round the corner? Or is it because I'm not worth the 5 pounds? I'll let you know when I work it out.

Back to the issue of ADs. I have tried them before but the side effects were always really bad. I couldn't tolerate any SSRIs - like prozac or citalopram. I was on the tricyclic AD Lofepramine for 3 1/2 yrs but gave it up end 2005 as the side effects became too overwhelming. Tricyclic ADs are very toxic. The strain on my kidneys (which took 6 months to return to normal after stopping them), the low blood pressure coupled with low blood sugar totally ground me down the whole time. My hair went prematurely grey because of those tablets (kidney function problems). So in the end I didn't have much choice. Also tricylclics cause weight gain. I was my highest ever weight on Lofepramine. So not what I want in that respect either.

I am taking 5-HTP tablets at the moment - one a day last week and now I've started taking 2 a day. It's a nutritional supplement which is converted by the body into serotonin - the neurotransmitter that ADs seek to potentialise. Works much quicker than ADs - you feel the effects from the second day. When I stop taking it I will cry for a day or two. But the withdrawal is no longer than that, so much better than ADs. And there are no physical side effects. It's gently supportive and makes you care a lot less about things. But it doesn't of course make you feel happy. I'm going to keep on with it even though it doesn't offer anything near total protection from the overwhelming crushing pain of food withdrawal. But I have only stepped up the dose on Friday evening and maybe it would be worse than it has been without it. I've known days in this situation that were much much much worse than yesterday or today. This, in comparison, is low level pain, like an ache that's always there with regular but fairly brief periods of crying and piercing pain. Not full on curled up in an armchair with my head in my hands crying and crying and crying all day every day. So maybe it is working as much as it can. Maybe I should step up to 3 tablets a day? I am worried about the withdrawal from that of taking so much, but I would have to reduce one tablet at a time. Just as if I was coming off ADs. More important to stamp on this eating thing now than worry about that.

I am also taking rhodiola, a herbal supplement. Said to help make serotonin and dopamine (neurotransmitters) more available in the brain so making you feel better. I thought it would go well with the 5-HTP. It is also said to help with recovery from physical exertion - I've been taking it for the last couple of weeks now and maybe this is the reason why I have suffered no physical problems when I have had a sudden, unusual level of exercise ie comparatively long period of time walking. Problems like swelling of knees, aching of muscles in legs and bottom, aching knees or joints anywhere. I found this really surprising.

The above is what I knew when I started taking it. But I've just read how this herb also has an effect on opioid peptides. I mentioned in my first ever post how eating fatty/ sugary foods creates opioids in areas of the brain linked to this behaviour (see link to research in that post). So maybe this might offer some support there too. Rhodiola is an "adaptogen" which helps both mind and body deal with stress and return to normal functioning. It has also been implicated in helping prevent weight gain due to stress - but the experiments involve rats not humans! Still, I'm hoping it will help.

Jonathan Cainer says for Monday, "Better a little bearable pain today than a lot of regret tomorrow". Sadly the pain isn't little or bearable. But in taking these tablets I suppose I'm trying to make it less painful than it otherwise might be.

I still don't know if I can put myself through all this... But I don't think there's an alternative.

Hurrah! I went out and it was OK!

2009-08-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who left a comment on Thur post. It really helps to know there are other people out there rooting for me like that.

Today was an amazing and quite strange day. I inadvertently, and possibly only for one day, broke my reliance on carbs. This is amazing. I've tried in the past to do it and failed. But today I had no choice and actually enjoyed it! This is the weirdest thing ever. Yes. I enjoyed today. With only one bowl of Readybrek. Normally this would be unthinkable.

But really I can very little credit for this. It's down to the fact that I only had one bowl left in the packet and just enough milk for a meaningful splash of it on top. I did have sugar on it. But when that bowl was done, that was that. I couldn't have any more because there wasn't any more.

But I was OK. I had an L-glutamine tablet (1g) before breakfast because it really does stop hunger. Of course I don't take them when I'm in bingeing mode because I just want to eat and don't want to be stopped (which shows how much it is all in the head). But I thought I'd better take one today as a precaution against having no food and not being able to get any until the evening. And it worked. I also had another in the afternoon. Just to make sure.

And for lunch I ate what I had which was a little tinned salmon with a tin of green beans, some mushrooms and a few baked beans with some fat free dressing on top and a bit of pepper. And I really enjoyed that little meal for some reason. I was just so grateful I had something to eat.

The entire contents of my fridge were now: jar of mint sauce, jar of pickled green peppers, some red chillies - completely dried out, and a tube of tomato puree. So I decided to take advantage of this to defrost the fridge. It had needed doing for a long time. I just couldn't be bothered before, but today I decided "I will get that damn freezer section door to open again!" and after about 3 hours with a hairdryer and water getting all over the floor I did finally get it done.

Then I had another little meal identical to the earlier one except no green beans.

Then I read blogs for quite a while.

I had been hungry all the time I was doing the fridge, and having the freezer section operable again gave me thoughts of Carte d'Or ice cream. And I was genuinely hungry. Real hunger. Not just blood sugar all over the place type of hunger. And I started to get really really worried that when I got out in the evening I would buy all the wrong food. I started to get bingey thoughts.

I knew if I bought a load of rubbish, all the stuff I've been through over the last almost 2 weeks in weening myself off the sugary/fatty food would have been for nothing and I'd either carry on bingeing for a few more weeks or have to start the process of getting myself off it again. Either way bingeing today would have been a huge set back.

But reading all the blogs really helped. Knowing that there are so many other people out there trying so hard not to binge - that helped. And when I read Sean's Thurs post just before I went out that helped too - that what you want to achieve has to be more important than the bingeing.

And when I put my black trousers on to go out they were a little bit loose on the leg - I mean there was room to actually walk in them without feeling totally trussed up! Whereas in the last couple of weeks I have really worried that they were going to tear apart while I was outside. Of course, they're not looser because I lost some weight. It's just that the weather has turned and is much fresher and cooler the last couple of days than it has been. I retain a huge amount of water on my legs in warm weather - they really balloon up. But now it's cooler the water has come off. Wat-er relief! Even though I know it's only the hotweatherwater going it still made me feel that I can't turn my back on this. I want this feeling - of going down, of getting smaller - to carry on.

But when I was walking to the shop I was still thinking I might binge. I might buy all those foods again and end up back in it again.

When I got to the shop I made the right choices and it wasn't that difficult. The reduced section almost got me - but I managed to buy only healthy non-bingeing foods.

For my evening meal I had an all veg curry with a piece of haddock. And really enjoyed it.

So I'm ending today on a high. So happy that I enjoyed the healthy food. I wish I could eat like this every day - small meals consisting mainly of fish and veg. It would be a dream come true.

So for the moment not being able to go out has worked in my favour.

Chris suggested that perhaps I could exercise indoors but unfortunately I don't have room for an exercise machine. Not that my flat is too small per se but that I already have far too much other stuff in it. But I have started doing one or two toning exercises again. These involve press ups and an exercise I know as "the plank" which is the only way I know of tightening and toning that lower tummy area that sit ups don't seem to touch. You get into position as for a press up - arms can be straight or bent if you are able. Then lift one leg off the floor (or bed as that's where I do it) and move it out to the side as far as will go and then back 20 times keeping it at the same height all the time. Then 20 with the other leg. Sounds easy? Non my friend! It is very difficult. But a miracle worker. If you have a saggy lower tummy you will notice the difference in days just doing this once a day. If you can bear the pain, do it morning and night. Earlier this year I was also doing 80 stomach crunches - 50 straight and 30 twisting to opposite knee - twice a day (I built up slowly to that obviously) and also various leg exercises. I do all these lying on my bed. It's the comfiest way!

Frightened

2009-08-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. Well there would have been a post last night but when I had all but completed it I managed to press a button and lost the whole lot. Couldn't get it back. And I really wanted to type it all out again immediately while I still had it all in my mind, but I was just too tired at 1am to do it.

I did manage my walk on Mon night and it was wonderful! I didn't manage to get out until 5 to 10 but when I got outside the gate it was so delightful ... lovely and cool and dark and very few people around. I started walking through the streets not knowing how far I would be going. I was listening to George Michael - Patience. There's been a love affair there since I was 11 and heard Careless Whisper! I was almost happy enough to be dancing down the street, but sadly it was nearer waddling ...

I managed quite a decent walk up a hill and then back again. Totally chilled out with George crooning in my ears. Bliss! When I got back I had fish, veg and salad. I was really pleased with myself! Bed at 4am.

Tue I didn't manage to get out but had a bit of exercise doing my laundry going up and down stairs as the washer is in the basement and my flat is in the attic. I had a proper evening meal again. Bed at 3am.

Wed was more difficult. I was too scared to go out during the day but badly need to as I had nothing in for a healthy eve meal. Later on as I was just psyching myself up for the dreaded trip outdoors I heard noise downstairs - they were having a bit of a party. I just couldn't face walking past, being seen by so many people (potentially).

I was so upset. I realised I was quite agitated from not having had any exercise.

All the time I was bingeing I was very hot and very agitated. I was putting so much energy into myself and there was nowhere for it to go - except in heat and agitation of the mind. I was unable to walk any of it off due to agoraphobia, embarrassment over my size and just a complete disinclination to do anything or go anywhere.

I often slept very little - only 3 hours a night - and never wanted to get into bed. My mind never wanted to shut off. The toddler inside never wanted to go to bed - why is it that kids hate having to go to bed? I don't know. But when the toddler has the upper hand making myself get into bed is a real struggle.

My target bedtime for wed had been 2am but I only made it into bed at 3am. At least it's a lot better than 6 or 7am. I am going to try for 2am tonight. And the last couple of nights I have wanted to get into bed.

My title for yesterday was "Normalizing?" My eating is certainly a lot better. I haven't binged now for over a week. It has been in my mind at times. Many times.

Last week I was concentrating on readjusting my body to come off high fat/ high sugar foods. And to stop bingeing. And I was successful in both those aims. I ate a lot of carbs (rice cakes, corn cakes, rivita, Readybrek) sugar free jam, a little honey, ham and turkey, plenty of fruit and sugar free yoghurt. But I didn't restrict the amount I ate and it doesn't take a genius to work out that 4 meals a day each coming in at over 1000 calories (minimum) is still going to put on weight. But it was about re-educating my taste buds and stomach without feeling deprived of calories.

So this week I am concentrating on cutting down on the amount of carbs and having my eve meal of fish, veg and salad. I am on 6 bowls of Readybrek or ground rice porridge a day + some fruit + eve meal. Still too much. I hope soon to be down to three bowls a day.

Despite still eating quite large amounts the puffiness in my face has gone down a little bit which does make me feel a little more confident in facing the world. And because I am no longer eating wheat the swelling of my bowel has gone down some too. I can't tolerate wheat and it always makes my whole bowel swell up. But that doesn't stop me eating it when I binge of course.

And my skin has started to look dramatically better as well - despite only having taken one antihistamine a day the last few days. This tells me my body needs veg and salad and it needs regular exercise. Although I still have psoriasis on my hands and feet whatever I do. It's PPP psoriasis which is incredibly treatment resistant.

So all this looks like good progress .... But can I keep going?

Well today hasn't been so good so far. I am too frightened to go out yet again. I am thinking I'll have to self harm to be able to get myself out the door - and I won't even attempt it for a couple of hours yet. I get to the stage where I'm so angry at myself, so pissed off and frustrated that I just have to let all that anger out. And no, thumping a pillow doesn't do anything for me!

This morning I had 4 bowls of Readybrek made only with water as I am virtually out of milk. And then because I was frightened about not being able to get out and get anymore food - I have pretty well nothing in to eat at all - I started thinking of what I did have - a tin of salmon, a tin of baked beans and a packet of new potatoes in herb butter. And I was so frightened over the prospect of not getting out today that I ate all all the potatoes (I don't even like potatoes) and 1/2 the baked beans and 1/2 the salmon. It doesn't sound like that much looking at it now. But I was in a state and upset that I'd eaten stuff I didn't need and didn't want to eat and I'd already had too much Readybrek ... so I threw it back up ... worrying all the time that not enough was coming back up... And then of course that just made me feel like crying...

So now I have been blogging rather than crying ...

I still have to face the outdoors but it is very overcast now so I feel confident that I will make it out there - whether self harming or no. But now I am worried that I will buy binge foods and undo all the good work over the last week or so.

The bingeing has been hovering in my mind all the time of course. I have been able to resist. But right now I don't know ...

Reading this back just now it probably seems strange that someone with agoraphobia can enjoy a walk, but my problem is mainly the terror of going outside. Once I get out there sometimes I don't feel too bad. But the fear of crossing the threshold is incredible, like a stone wall in front of me stopping me getting out. And this fear of going over the threshold is not linked to my weight at all. It's like that whatever size I am. The stress I experience when I get out there though, that is more linked to how I look. If I am bigger then I am worried about people looking at me, at seeing people I know, upset that I look such a mess etc.

It's 6pm now and time to face the dreaded outdoors. Wish me luck ...

Walk with The Bear

2009-08-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. I have just written a very long comment on escapefromobesity (see blog list) and it makes me feel so embarassed. I have always been great at responding to other people's stuff rather than focussing on my own sh*t. It was just the same when I went to a (quasi) therapy group. I hardly ever talked about myself. I focussed intensely on everyone else's problems. It's always much easier to think things through and come up with a reasoned response when the problem comes out of someone else's mouth (or keyboard). Because of this I always thought I'd make a great psychotherapist, but just one little spanner in the works - I'm too much of a f**kup myself to ever be taken seriously in that sphere. This is really annoying!

At least thinking about Lyn's stuff is helping me get further forward myself as we are both battling our weight, whereas the therapy group was filled with people with very diverse problems - none of which related to eating - so I didn't really get that much from it in that sense.

I did get to see The Bear yesterday but only after a long wait. He had told me to ring him between 3 and 4pm to arrange meeting up. So after getting up at 2pm (I only got into bed at 7am and slept badly) I had a reasonable breakfast and then read blogs all afternoon. I didn't want to have anymore to eat as I knew I would end up eating too much and so not be able to go outside as my stomach would be too big to get into the only summer clothes I have that fit (yes that's how bad things are). It enabled me to see that I am able to stop eating if I really want something bad enough - and I really did want to see The Bear. And also that reading blogs is a great distraction from eating! I love reading them - my new obsession?

Anyway, it turned out that The Bear had only gone to bed at 8am and so I didn't get to meet up with him until 7.30 in the evening - a long time to go without food! But I wanted to see him so bad that I wasn't going to mess it up. All I had was 2 bananas. And I felt OK.

We went for a walk together 1/2 an hour up a hill and then back. We sat on a bench together at the top looking out onto distant hills as dusk fell. He ate some chips he'd bought on the way but luckily he didn't offer me any! - which I think was because I'd said about how much weight I'd put on and how upset I was about it.

He chuntered on in his usual fashion about computing and photography and all the people he knows etc. I never get to discuss my own stuff with him - beyond a line or two I manage to lever in when he pauses for breath. But I accepted that a long time ago - he can't take on my stuff on top of his own. He just can't cope with it. Most people think this is so unsatisfactory that I shouldn't bother seeing him anymore. But I love him and without him I probably wouldn't still be alive right now. He's kept me going just by being him. He can only be himself - he can't be something he's not afterall.

I was really impressed by the fact that I was able to do this walk. There is always the danger after a sudden burst of exercise that I will binge because it's such a shock to the system after weeks of sitting indoors all day. We went to a shop on the way back and I did Good Shopping until the guy on the till was putting it thru and then I went to the freezer and got a choc covered ice cream for both of us. That one item is the only bad thing I've eaten in a week apart from a small choc bar. And the choc bar was followed by 2 orlistat so no damage. But because I didn't take any tablets with the ice cream I got the fat hit and it was amazing to me after that how I started fantasising about food etc like a mini rush in my brain. But luckily I was still walking with The Bear around town for 30 mins after I'd eaten it so I didn't get the chance to act on those feelings, and they weren't actually reinforced by eating behaviour. The unstoppable train didn't get to leave the station that day.

It is now 9pm here and I'm not sure whether I should go out on a walk or not. And whether if I do I will be able to eat safely and sanely afterwards.

I'll let you know what happens...

2009-08-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I have now discovered what so many of you know already - blogging and reading blogs is addictive! I'm totally addicted. I'm even getting that "rush" that all addicts get when they are about to *indulge*.

I have read so many good things today. So many brave people out there who are willing to tell the truth about the difficult things going on in their lives. Things which I have thought about, or issues which have real meaning for me, but which I would have shied away from writing about myself. It's amazing the sense of relief that comes from realising "I'm not the only one", and from thinking "me too"... That there are so many people out there battling similar problems and not giving up. I just feel so grateful for all this.

Reading JackSh*t (see blog list) today made me think about how I got into my current bingeing hole. Through April, May and June of this year I worked so hard getting myself back onto the straight and narrow. And God it was hard. I spent most of April getting my food intake down - first to a reasonable level (I won't say normal because I don't even know what that is anymore), then by May my intake was at a level where I could actually lose some weight, and I kept going religously from May through to early July not stepping out of line on the eating front one single time. I thought I had it cracked! Ha ha.

And for three solid months I also exercised at least three times a week, often more than that, walking for at least an hour and a half each time. And this was no mean feat because I was in pain all the time. My psoriasis at that time was only on my hands and feet, but these are the most painful places to have it. One of my feet was so bad I was usually limping for the whole walk. I started to call myself "ol' hop along". Many times I was crying and telling myself to "just push through the pain". It frustrated me that I was only able to walk so slowly. The distance that would normally take 90 mins would sometimes take 2hrs in extreme pain. But I was determined!

And then one day in July a guy said to me "You've lost weight haven't you". And it all unravelled from there. As soon as he said it I knew there was a problem. But for the life in me, I don't know why. Three days later I started bingeing again.

It was on a Sunday afternoon in Cafe Nero. I ordered a large Mocha and a piece of chocolate chunk fudge cake - definitely the best chocolate cake ever! And after that I went to KFC and had a full meal with a sundae for afters. And from there it was open season. I daren't even write about all the stuff I've eaten since then because I'm desperate not to set myself off again. But let's just say *vast amounts of food*. I think that covers it. And I only vomited after eating three times in the last six weeks of hell. And each of those times was after I'd actually eaten healthy food. How screwy is that?

So now I'm back to where I was weightwise at the beginning of April.

Back then I had read an article about a family of four who weighed about 83 stone (that's 1162 lbs for US readers) between them. Sadly they lived in quite a rough place where people called them names in the street - including referring to them as "the Teletubbies". When I looked in the mirror and realised there was a teletubbie looking back at me, that was when I knew I had to change. Now the teletubbie is back again and I've got to go through the whole battle yet again.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Friend of the Bear

Pottery, cream tea and a walk through the park

Hot and bothered

Edge of the city walk ... and a few chips :(

Wot no Bear?

*Bears* say "Send in the corgis ..."

Pottery and a trip to Brixham

Quite a bit of walking and some pottery!

Bear meltdown and I hit the deck again

An unfortunate incident and the 1000yr old house

Sincere thanks

Merrie England!

Gari experiment and pics of the pub!

Busy week

Saturday afternoon on the High Street

Day trip to Totnes

Snowpeople, a walk through the town, and an Elephant!

A walk down by the canal

Feeding frenzy!

Bears say hi ...

Cheery?! (*hic) And a story of bear fuelled insanity ...

I lost it and it's all Kevin Costner's fault

Still ill

Yuckity Yuck!

Day 16: Thoughts on rigidity, chaos and "normal" eating

Passing on the Love!

Doing it!

Stormy weather

Saw my healer!

A is for ....

Personality

Responses

"Toxic brain dump"

Another Tuesday Fail

Doing OK

Turn around

Lighter Post!

Shame and Guilt

The binge that saved my ancestor

I'm not naturally fat

Is it rude to tell a complete stranger to Google Sean Anderson?

More rubbish

Slightly better, sadly no will power involved

Shattered

A Bad Day

Tough weekend

Hurrah! I went out and it was OK!

Frightened

Walk with The Bear

Bears say "Send in the corgis ..."