I didn't mean to cause anyone any worry. I have a terrible tendency to isolate myself when things are tough. For my horoscope today Jonathon Cainer said "When we find life painful, we tend to put up barriers. Ultimately, these don't protect us. They just make us even more vulnerable." This is the story of my life. Sincere thanks to those of you who reached out to me.
So, what happened? My grandmother died - but before you leave messages of condolences - there's no need! She was a highly abusive character whom I had ceased to have contact with almost a decade ago. But the death of a major abuse figure is a major life event even though she wasn't a physical prescence in my life anymore. It also means that I am in uncharted territory.
I know what grief for the loss of a person is like - I grieved my mother for 5 years. Obviously I'm not upset that my grandmother is gone. But A LOT of stuff is coming to the surface - a whole lifetimes worth of stuff actually. And things in my head are totally unpredictable.
At first I was in shock and trying to get my head round it - seeing where it left me. Then I went through a time of feeling quite low - because I felt my life hadn't significantly changed in any way and I was disappointed. If she had died, say 3 years ago, I would have been dancing through the streets at the news. But I've been so ill the last couple of years that I've just completely gone beyond it (as the Bear says) ie gone beyond caring about anything very much that was outside my immediate existence.
Then there was a short period of euphoria. But for the last week it's as though my nerves have gone to pieces - I can't stand for very long due to low blood pressure. I have felt like I was going to be sick a lot of the time. I've spent much of the last week in bed.
I am still struggling to find any level ground. For example - yesterday I cried most of the day, then had constantly alternating moods late at night.
"It's a process!" as Billy Crystal keeps saying in Analyze this (I think it was in the sequel?) I know I will settle down e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y.
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I hope all of you lovely people are doing well. I haven't read any blogs yet so I have a lot of catching up to do.
Once again, thank you Dear Friends for all your caring and concern. Bloggers really are the best people in the world!
I'll leave you tonight (as it is here) with images of an ancient oak door - dating from 1500. Appropriate because I hope I am stepping through a door from the past and into a new stage of my life (How's that for a bit of positive spin?!)
A close up on the detail of the carving.
