Shame and Guilt

Firstly I want to thank all those people who left such excellent comments to the last post on shame. They are definitely worth a look if you haven't already. To give you a flavour: Natalie (my kashi diet) felt that she was rarely motivated by shame whereas Amy H. (no to the deuce) thought that shame serves a positive purpose in society and had motivated her to lose weight. Pamela, who was the original inspiration for that post, made the distinction between guilt and shame and left a link to Brene Brown's site http://www.brenebrown.com/watch-video-excerpts/ which has three videos discussing these issues. I found them illuminating. Brene's definition: "shame is this intensely painful feeling or belief that we are flawed and somehow inadequate and unworthy of connection [with other people]". Her basic thesis is that shame acts to disconnect us from other human beings and is highly correlated with continuing bad or destructive behaviours, whereas guilt is about wanting to put right what we have done and therefore about reconnection. Leslie (something brilliant is brewing) summed it up perfectly in her comment "shame is not productive ... it is destructive and perpetuates self-hating behaviours. Guilt or even regret can motivate self reflection and eventual change. Shame sends me to despair about WHO I am, not WHAT I've done."

In writing that last post I was trying to deal with the crushing shame I have felt recently over my eating behaviour and consequent appearance. Shame has certainly acted as a motivator for me to lose weight in the past. I would reach the point where I felt such intense shame over my appearance that the only way to ease it was to get off my butt and get dieting and walking to lose the weight. And as I was walking I would be thinking every step of the way about how great it would be when I could go out in public again and not feel ashamed of myself and my appearance. So shame can be a positive motivation if it is about reconnecting with others.

But on the other hand if the ONLY way you can be acceptable to others is by being thin then ultimately this is not a positive thing. And this is the down side of the way that I used shame as my motivation. I felt (and still feel) that I am unworthy of connection with other people unless I look as perfect as I possibly can. This is a legacy of my family's ethos that I have no right to exist unless I am perfect. This is a situation in which I can never be worthy of existence as of course no-one is perfect.

It would be much better for me to feel that I was acceptable to other people based on my personality, SOH, caring etc rather than my weight. To echo Leslie, my self worth should be based on WHO I am rather than what I weigh. And in that sentence is the whole problem. That who I am is essentially a flawed, unlovable and unlikable person - according to my family at least. So in the end all I had left was trying to look good, to make the outside as good as it could be because the inside was never going to be worth anything anyway. So this is how I have come a cropper. When I was unable ever to feel thin enough (see 16th sep post) I was f*cked.

To feel worthy of connection with other people must be about the inside of me, not my appearance. This is the way forward.

And guilt? After noting Brene's ideas about the positive effect of guilt I realised that I have never felt guilt or anything approaching it over my eating. Not ever. Why? Because I could never feel guilt about hurting myself; I am just not worth it. I thought, OMG, is there something majorly wrong with me; am I some kind of psychopath incapable of feeling guilt? But no, I feel terrible guilt if I ever even accidentally hurt anyone else. But to feel guilt about hugely destructive behaviour towards myself is an alien concept to me.

The best thing here then (if you're still with me!) would be to love myself and care about myself and therefore feel guilt for feeding myself total rubbish and making myself fat and feeling ill all the time and reducing my quality of life to nil. Then to resolve to feed myself better and get some exercise so I can enjoy life and feel healthy. This is the ideal. This is what I should be aiming at.

In the meantime guilt over the fact that my bingeing has hurt someone else is at last proving a motivator to turn this thing around and get myself going again. And at this point I'm glad to have this motivation.

Here's the story: a healer who I used to go and see weekly at her house had sent me several texts over the last few days trying to reach out to me as I haven't been to see her while I've been in this current crisis (2 1/2 months now). But I didn't get them because of a problem with my phone. Then last night all the texts suddenly arrived and I felt SO GUILTY. She said how worried she was about me, she missed me and she wished we could talk. There were three texts like this. I felt so bad that she has been worrying over me and feeling upset, even though it wasn't my fault the phone isn't working properly. I feel so upset that this connection with such a sweet, caring person has been broken due to all the bingeing and excessive eating I've done recently. I cried and cried over it and am still crying now.

So this is my motivation to get better. So that I feel able to go and see her again. She is so good to me and sends me healing when I don't see her. She is a true friend and I am hurting her by staying away. I have to stop all the bad eating. I HAVE to get healthy enough to walk up the very large steep hill where she lives.

The shame over my behaviour has not been enough to stop me this time - it has just made me feel very bad about myself and caused me to hide away from other people. But the guilt over hurting someone else really makes me want to change.

I wrote her a letter today apologising about the phone and about not being in contact with her, and the florist will deliver it tomorrow evening with a large bouquet of flowers.

I AM going to repair the damage I've done - for her sake and ultimately for mine too.

The 5am Post

Well here I am posting in the small hours of the morning, though as this blog is set to some US time zone it will probably look like I wrote it at a much more reasonable time. Why am I writing this in the middle of the night? Because I've been on antihistamines from the moment I got up to try and calm my skin down. They do cut the itching and my skin does look a little better, but they also put me half to sleep. It's pretty well impossible to do anything very much when I'm taking them - like trying to do something blind drunk, but with no enjoyment thrown in.

Between 2 and 4 hours after I take the first dose I am barely awake and then when that wears off and I start to feel alert - and start itching again - it means it's time to take the second dose.

So what with that and the fact that I went to bed at about 6am yesterday (also because of the antihistamines) I've only just got to the point in the day of being compos mentis.

Well at least I don't have to drink any alcohol to put myself into oblivion ...

So how have I done the last couple of days? Well I woke up on Friday crying and totally wiped out from having been out for several hours on Thursday. I felt so delicate, both psychologically and physically. I just couldn't face going out again so I didn't go to healing at the library. I hardly ever miss it - even in the last 6 weeks when things have been so bad, I only missed it one other time. And that was because it was too hot to go out in my coat.

Normally when I don't go to healing I feel really really bad, but on Friday I was too drowsy to get upset about it. I've hardly missed a Friday healing in the last 8 1/2 years. It's my fixed point of the week, and I don't feel complete if I don't go. It's not just the healing itself - 15 to 20 mins of total relaxation, total safety, grounding, and healing energy going all the way through you. It's the opportunity to socialise, to say hello to everyone, a few words here and there with people I've been chatting to for so many years ...

For someone as isolated as me, this is as important as the healing itself. In the last 6 weeks I have hardly chatted to anyone else apart from those people I see at healing.

Except The Bear of course!

It's at times like this when I feel so bad about myself that he is the only person I trust. Because he's seen me at my very worst and not rejected me. This makes it very special. He accepts me whatever I look like and whatever I feel like inside.

But sadly I don't get to chat to him that often, or spend much time with him.

As far as my eating goes, I'm sticking to low fat foods but not restricting my intake. I have eaten one small galaxy bar but downed two Orlistat with it. The next stage will be cutting down on the amount of food I'm eating and then trying to get into a regular pattern of good eating again - which includes having a proper evening meal of fish, salad and vegetables.

This, for me, is the most difficult bit when I've been on a food bender. Salad and vegetables are very challenging when you've only been eating rubbish, or even when you've only been eating mainly lowfat carbs, fruit and yoghurt as I am now. It's a big jump to make. When I'm eating that proper evening meal again it means I'm really "doing it"; really back on my diet. And that's real pressure, because it means that everything I eat then "counts". I will have fully stepped back into reality at that point.

Bingeing is like stepping out of reality for a while; like nothing you eat will actually put on any weight. That's what enables me to eat huge, ridiculous amounts of food. I am not connected to the reality of my situation or my life anymore. Only to the enjoyment of eating in that moment. And it is only momentary enjoyment. Sometimes even between items of food - say between one chocolate bar and another - I wish I could stop. I keep saying no more to myself even as I am reaching for the next thing to eat.

Getting back into exercising is even more difficult ...

So how do I get there? Sadly not because I love myself too much to hurt myself anymore. It's nothing to do with self love. I only ever manage to get back into it because I've become totally suicidal over not being able to go out, not having a life and looking so dreadful. Suicidal over having destroyed my appearance yet again ...

One motivator that has got me back on track the last few times is a man I fell in love with in 2005 (after I had split up with The Bear). I haven't seen this man in over 4 years now. I don't expect I ever shall see him again - and I really wouldn't want to looking like this!

We met on a course. There was this incredible chemistry between us, but we never spoke a word about it. We were never alone without other people there. He was married, so it was impossible. And he was far too honourable ever to do anything he shouldn't. So our feelings were silent and when the course ended we carried on our separate ways.

And I have never even fancied anyone since then, let alone fallen in love.

So the motivator is fantasising about seeing this man, reigniting the chemistry again. Fantasising about him being free to pursue a relationship.

Yet it's not really about this particular man - because I fully accept that that could never happen. It's about what he stands for; the idea of him. Because he was so perfect, and I was so amazed that someone so perfect could ever fall for someone like me; someone so imperfect.

I know some people will think it's wrong to be motivated by a man, that we should do it for our selves, because we love ourselves etc. But this is my reality, however politically incorrect it is ...

Oh God I'm itching really badly again. I'm going to have to go to bed now.

I may be going to see The Bear tomorrow so at least that is something to look forward to. But only if the weather is cold enough ...