More rubbish

This is difficult to write. I am making myself post tonight even though I really don't want to. But when you're blogging you have to keep going. I feel bad if I don't post!
And I feel I haven't been posting half enough. I must get myself into the discipline of posting most days even when I don't feel up to doing anything. In my defence I will say that I spend quite a lot of time commenting on other people's blogs.

I haven't been making myself do very much for most of this week. Tuesday was a bad stressful day. It started with hardly any sleep followed by a lot of itching on waking as the stress hormones were raging. I had to take an anithistamine asap. I find myself being very reactive these days. Much more than I used to be. Quite small things set me off.

After having porridge, I got out early and walked along the river to get to the other side to go to the health shop for the stuff I need to dye my hair. I have needed to get this stuff for weeks - I have well over an inch of grey roots showing. The walk along the river itself was quite nice. But after I'd been to said shop and called in at Boots I started to feel really unwell. A combination of lack of sleep, my nerves, and the tiredness brought on by antihistamines. I had to sit down on a bench for a while.

I walked back along the river and went home and did my laundry. I didn't even manage to feel good about myself for having done that walk.

On Wednesday and Thursday I did nothing. Nothing except eat too much - low fat carbs, fruit, milk, low cal yoghurt, low cal sandwiches.

It's like I've given up on myself really. That my life has reduced to sitting in this chair in front of the TV while surfing on my laptop or eating. I have hardly done anything else in weeks and weeks.

Part of me thinks "Why bother?" Why bother trying anymore? My life is going to be rubbish whatever I do. I might as well just sit here until I die.

Another part of me thinks "How can I break out of this?" Maybe I could do an adult education class? I could do an art class now as my hands are much better at the moment - such a class has been an impossibility for most of the last 3 years while my hands have been so bad. Of course, I don't know how long my hands will stay good, so I should grab the chance while I can. But do I have the confidence to face all those people? My appearance is so dreadful it saps all my confidence.

Maybe I should try Overeaters Anonymous. As posted previously, I've always been too scared to talk about my food issues. But since writing this blog and reading other people's struggles, I do feel I might be able to do this now. Perhaps, in itself, this is a significant step forward.

I think with a huge amount of effort I could get myself out walking and I could deny myself food and therefore lose some weight. But I will relapse again. I will go through all the pain of going without food for a while only to relapse at some stage in the future. It always happens.

My life is just going round in circles.

I have been suicidal at times this week. I read Vicarious Therapy's (see blog list) post about thinking she is just an afterthought with her family. Hell, at least she has family members to talk to on the phone. I really am alone in this life. No-one would even notice if I didn't wake up tomorrow morning. I only hear intermittently - about every two weeks (sometimes much longer) - from The Bear. And usually it is only when he needs something from me, ie a phone call making, or advice for his girlfriend etc. It hurts that he is only really using me. But I have no right, of course, to complain. I am lucky to still have any contact with him. Without him, dear reader, I would be dead right now.

It's not that I want to be with him, because I don't, but I would like him to be able to consider me sometimes, and to be able to see beyond his own needs sometimes. The fact that he can't do this is why I split up with him. So it's a bit ridiculous to expect anymore from him as a friend. And I do prefer him as a friend - he was such hard work as a boyfriend!

I just wish there was someone in my life who would actually care about me. But this isn't about having a boyfriend. What I wish for is the thing I can never have ie family members who care about me, not a sexual relationship. I wouldn't be upset never to have sex again. I've had to have sex far too many times in previous relationships when I didn't want it to be bothered with that ever again. Sex just isn't on my agenda.

If you don't have family then there is nothing you can ever do about it. It's the thing I can never get over. There's no sustitute for having family members who are a) alive and b) want to have contact with you and care about you.

So this is the unsolvable problem.

Frightened

Hi everyone. Well there would have been a post last night but when I had all but completed it I managed to press a button and lost the whole lot. Couldn't get it back. And I really wanted to type it all out again immediately while I still had it all in my mind, but I was just too tired at 1am to do it.


I did manage my walk on Mon night and it was wonderful! I didn't manage to get out until 5 to 10 but when I got outside the gate it was so delightful ... lovely and cool and dark and very few people around. I started walking through the streets not knowing how far I would be going. I was listening to George Michael - Patience. There's been a love affair there since I was 11 and heard Careless Whisper! I was almost happy enough to be dancing down the street, but sadly it was nearer waddling ...


I managed quite a decent walk up a hill and then back again. Totally chilled out with George crooning in my ears. Bliss! When I got back I had fish, veg and salad. I was really pleased with myself! Bed at 4am.


Tue I didn't manage to get out but had a bit of exercise doing my laundry going up and down stairs as the washer is in the basement and my flat is in the attic. I had a proper evening meal again. Bed at 3am.

Wed was more difficult. I was too scared to go out during the day but badly need to as I had nothing in for a healthy eve meal. Later on as I was just psyching myself up for the dreaded trip outdoors I heard noise downstairs - they were having a bit of a party. I just couldn't face walking past, being seen by so many people (potentially).


I was so upset. I realised I was quite agitated from not having had any exercise.


All the time I was bingeing I was very hot and very agitated. I was putting so much energy into myself and there was nowhere for it to go - except in heat and agitation of the mind. I was unable to walk any of it off due to agoraphobia, embarrassment over my size and just a complete disinclination to do anything or go anywhere.


I often slept very little - only 3 hours a night - and never wanted to get into bed. My mind never wanted to shut off. The toddler inside never wanted to go to bed - why is it that kids hate having to go to bed? I don't know. But when the toddler has the upper hand making myself get into bed is a real struggle.


My target bedtime for wed had been 2am but I only made it into bed at 3am. At least it's a lot better than 6 or 7am. I am going to try for 2am tonight. And the last couple of nights I have wanted to get into bed.


My title for yesterday was "Normalizing?" My eating is certainly a lot better. I haven't binged now for over a week. It has been in my mind at times. Many times.


Last week I was concentrating on readjusting my body to come off high fat/ high sugar foods. And to stop bingeing. And I was successful in both those aims. I ate a lot of carbs (rice cakes, corn cakes, rivita, Readybrek) sugar free jam, a little honey, ham and turkey, plenty of fruit and sugar free yoghurt. But I didn't restrict the amount I ate and it doesn't take a genius to work out that 4 meals a day each coming in at over 1000 calories (minimum) is still going to put on weight. But it was about re-educating my taste buds and stomach without feeling deprived of calories.


So this week I am concentrating on cutting down on the amount of carbs and having my eve meal of fish, veg and salad. I am on 6 bowls of Readybrek or ground rice porridge a day + some fruit + eve meal. Still too much. I hope soon to be down to three bowls a day.


Despite still eating quite large amounts the puffiness in my face has gone down a little bit which does make me feel a little more confident in facing the world. And because I am no longer eating wheat the swelling of my bowel has gone down some too. I can't tolerate wheat and it always makes my whole bowel swell up. But that doesn't stop me eating it when I binge of course.

And my skin has started to look dramatically better as well - despite only having taken one antihistamine a day the last few days. This tells me my body needs veg and salad and it needs regular exercise. Although I still have psoriasis on my hands and feet whatever I do. It's PPP psoriasis which is incredibly treatment resistant.

So all this looks like good progress .... But can I keep going?


Well today hasn't been so good so far. I am too frightened to go out yet again. I am thinking I'll have to self harm to be able to get myself out the door - and I won't even attempt it for a couple of hours yet. I get to the stage where I'm so angry at myself, so pissed off and frustrated that I just have to let all that anger out. And no, thumping a pillow doesn't do anything for me!

This morning I had 4 bowls of Readybrek made only with water as I am virtually out of milk. And then because I was frightened about not being able to get out and get anymore food - I have pretty well nothing in to eat at all - I started thinking of what I did have - a tin of salmon, a tin of baked beans and a packet of new potatoes in herb butter. And I was so frightened over the prospect of not getting out today that I ate all all the potatoes (I don't even like potatoes) and 1/2 the baked beans and 1/2 the salmon. It doesn't sound like that much looking at it now. But I was in a state and upset that I'd eaten stuff I didn't need and didn't want to eat and I'd already had too much Readybrek ... so I threw it back up ... worrying all the time that not enough was coming back up... And then of course that just made me feel like crying...

So now I have been blogging rather than crying ...

I still have to face the outdoors but it is very overcast now so I feel confident that I will make it out there - whether self harming or no. But now I am worried that I will buy binge foods and undo all the good work over the last week or so.

The bingeing has been hovering in my mind all the time of course. I have been able to resist. But right now I don't know ...

Reading this back just now it probably seems strange that someone with agoraphobia can enjoy a walk, but my problem is mainly the terror of going outside. Once I get out there sometimes I don't feel too bad. But the fear of crossing the threshold is incredible, like a stone wall in front of me stopping me getting out. And this fear of going over the threshold is not linked to my weight at all. It's like that whatever size I am. The stress I experience when I get out there though, that is more linked to how I look. If I am bigger then I am worried about people looking at me, at seeing people I know, upset that I look such a mess etc.

It's 6pm now and time to face the dreaded outdoors. Wish me luck ...