Frightened

Hi everyone. Well there would have been a post last night but when I had all but completed it I managed to press a button and lost the whole lot. Couldn't get it back. And I really wanted to type it all out again immediately while I still had it all in my mind, but I was just too tired at 1am to do it.


I did manage my walk on Mon night and it was wonderful! I didn't manage to get out until 5 to 10 but when I got outside the gate it was so delightful ... lovely and cool and dark and very few people around. I started walking through the streets not knowing how far I would be going. I was listening to George Michael - Patience. There's been a love affair there since I was 11 and heard Careless Whisper! I was almost happy enough to be dancing down the street, but sadly it was nearer waddling ...


I managed quite a decent walk up a hill and then back again. Totally chilled out with George crooning in my ears. Bliss! When I got back I had fish, veg and salad. I was really pleased with myself! Bed at 4am.


Tue I didn't manage to get out but had a bit of exercise doing my laundry going up and down stairs as the washer is in the basement and my flat is in the attic. I had a proper evening meal again. Bed at 3am.

Wed was more difficult. I was too scared to go out during the day but badly need to as I had nothing in for a healthy eve meal. Later on as I was just psyching myself up for the dreaded trip outdoors I heard noise downstairs - they were having a bit of a party. I just couldn't face walking past, being seen by so many people (potentially).


I was so upset. I realised I was quite agitated from not having had any exercise.


All the time I was bingeing I was very hot and very agitated. I was putting so much energy into myself and there was nowhere for it to go - except in heat and agitation of the mind. I was unable to walk any of it off due to agoraphobia, embarrassment over my size and just a complete disinclination to do anything or go anywhere.


I often slept very little - only 3 hours a night - and never wanted to get into bed. My mind never wanted to shut off. The toddler inside never wanted to go to bed - why is it that kids hate having to go to bed? I don't know. But when the toddler has the upper hand making myself get into bed is a real struggle.


My target bedtime for wed had been 2am but I only made it into bed at 3am. At least it's a lot better than 6 or 7am. I am going to try for 2am tonight. And the last couple of nights I have wanted to get into bed.


My title for yesterday was "Normalizing?" My eating is certainly a lot better. I haven't binged now for over a week. It has been in my mind at times. Many times.


Last week I was concentrating on readjusting my body to come off high fat/ high sugar foods. And to stop bingeing. And I was successful in both those aims. I ate a lot of carbs (rice cakes, corn cakes, rivita, Readybrek) sugar free jam, a little honey, ham and turkey, plenty of fruit and sugar free yoghurt. But I didn't restrict the amount I ate and it doesn't take a genius to work out that 4 meals a day each coming in at over 1000 calories (minimum) is still going to put on weight. But it was about re-educating my taste buds and stomach without feeling deprived of calories.


So this week I am concentrating on cutting down on the amount of carbs and having my eve meal of fish, veg and salad. I am on 6 bowls of Readybrek or ground rice porridge a day + some fruit + eve meal. Still too much. I hope soon to be down to three bowls a day.


Despite still eating quite large amounts the puffiness in my face has gone down a little bit which does make me feel a little more confident in facing the world. And because I am no longer eating wheat the swelling of my bowel has gone down some too. I can't tolerate wheat and it always makes my whole bowel swell up. But that doesn't stop me eating it when I binge of course.

And my skin has started to look dramatically better as well - despite only having taken one antihistamine a day the last few days. This tells me my body needs veg and salad and it needs regular exercise. Although I still have psoriasis on my hands and feet whatever I do. It's PPP psoriasis which is incredibly treatment resistant.

So all this looks like good progress .... But can I keep going?


Well today hasn't been so good so far. I am too frightened to go out yet again. I am thinking I'll have to self harm to be able to get myself out the door - and I won't even attempt it for a couple of hours yet. I get to the stage where I'm so angry at myself, so pissed off and frustrated that I just have to let all that anger out. And no, thumping a pillow doesn't do anything for me!

This morning I had 4 bowls of Readybrek made only with water as I am virtually out of milk. And then because I was frightened about not being able to get out and get anymore food - I have pretty well nothing in to eat at all - I started thinking of what I did have - a tin of salmon, a tin of baked beans and a packet of new potatoes in herb butter. And I was so frightened over the prospect of not getting out today that I ate all all the potatoes (I don't even like potatoes) and 1/2 the baked beans and 1/2 the salmon. It doesn't sound like that much looking at it now. But I was in a state and upset that I'd eaten stuff I didn't need and didn't want to eat and I'd already had too much Readybrek ... so I threw it back up ... worrying all the time that not enough was coming back up... And then of course that just made me feel like crying...

So now I have been blogging rather than crying ...

I still have to face the outdoors but it is very overcast now so I feel confident that I will make it out there - whether self harming or no. But now I am worried that I will buy binge foods and undo all the good work over the last week or so.

The bingeing has been hovering in my mind all the time of course. I have been able to resist. But right now I don't know ...

Reading this back just now it probably seems strange that someone with agoraphobia can enjoy a walk, but my problem is mainly the terror of going outside. Once I get out there sometimes I don't feel too bad. But the fear of crossing the threshold is incredible, like a stone wall in front of me stopping me getting out. And this fear of going over the threshold is not linked to my weight at all. It's like that whatever size I am. The stress I experience when I get out there though, that is more linked to how I look. If I am bigger then I am worried about people looking at me, at seeing people I know, upset that I look such a mess etc.

It's 6pm now and time to face the dreaded outdoors. Wish me luck ...

Walk with The Bear

Oh dear. I have just written a very long comment on escapefromobesity (see blog list) and it makes me feel so embarassed. I have always been great at responding to other people's stuff rather than focussing on my own sh*t. It was just the same when I went to a (quasi) therapy group. I hardly ever talked about myself. I focussed intensely on everyone else's problems. It's always much easier to think things through and come up with a reasoned response when the problem comes out of someone else's mouth (or keyboard). Because of this I always thought I'd make a great psychotherapist, but just one little spanner in the works - I'm too much of a f**kup myself to ever be taken seriously in that sphere. This is really annoying!

At least thinking about Lyn's stuff is helping me get further forward myself as we are both battling our weight, whereas the therapy group was filled with people with very diverse problems - none of which related to eating - so I didn't really get that much from it in that sense.

I did get to see The Bear yesterday but only after a long wait. He had told me to ring him between 3 and 4pm to arrange meeting up. So after getting up at 2pm (I only got into bed at 7am and slept badly) I had a reasonable breakfast and then read blogs all afternoon. I didn't want to have anymore to eat as I knew I would end up eating too much and so not be able to go outside as my stomach would be too big to get into the only summer clothes I have that fit (yes that's how bad things are). It enabled me to see that I am able to stop eating if I really want something bad enough - and I really did want to see The Bear. And also that reading blogs is a great distraction from eating! I love reading them - my new obsession?

Anyway, it turned out that The Bear had only gone to bed at 8am and so I didn't get to meet up with him until 7.30 in the evening - a long time to go without food! But I wanted to see him so bad that I wasn't going to mess it up. All I had was 2 bananas. And I felt OK.

We went for a walk together 1/2 an hour up a hill and then back. We sat on a bench together at the top looking out onto distant hills as dusk fell. He ate some chips he'd bought on the way but luckily he didn't offer me any! - which I think was because I'd said about how much weight I'd put on and how upset I was about it.

He chuntered on in his usual fashion about computing and photography and all the people he knows etc. I never get to discuss my own stuff with him - beyond a line or two I manage to lever in when he pauses for breath. But I accepted that a long time ago - he can't take on my stuff on top of his own. He just can't cope with it. Most people think this is so unsatisfactory that I shouldn't bother seeing him anymore. But I love him and without him I probably wouldn't still be alive right now. He's kept me going just by being him. He can only be himself - he can't be something he's not afterall.

I was really impressed by the fact that I was able to do this walk. There is always the danger after a sudden burst of exercise that I will binge because it's such a shock to the system after weeks of sitting indoors all day. We went to a shop on the way back and I did Good Shopping until the guy on the till was putting it thru and then I went to the freezer and got a choc covered ice cream for both of us. That one item is the only bad thing I've eaten in a week apart from a small choc bar. And the choc bar was followed by 2 orlistat so no damage. But because I didn't take any tablets with the ice cream I got the fat hit and it was amazing to me after that how I started fantasising about food etc like a mini rush in my brain. But luckily I was still walking with The Bear around town for 30 mins after I'd eaten it so I didn't get the chance to act on those feelings, and they weren't actually reinforced by eating behaviour. The unstoppable train didn't get to leave the station that day.

It is now 9pm here and I'm not sure whether I should go out on a walk or not. And whether if I do I will be able to eat safely and sanely afterwards.

I'll let you know what happens...