I lost it and it's all Kevin Costner's fault

Victoria Wood and Julie Walters discussing diet and exercise esp in relation to a fat woman they both know.

VW: "You have to clench your buttocks"

JW: "Well she couldn't clench her's. It'd take two strong men and a wheelbarrow!"

Ok. I just thought I'd cheer you up before yet another depressing post.

Firstly, I have no internet connection. There has been a cable problem for the last 4 days and Virgin STILL haven't fixed it. They ain't rushing. I really hope they sort it out soon. I just can't face Christmas with no connection. The first day I was so depressed. I felt cut off. I wanted to know what you were all up to! Seriously it has made me miserable. I miss you all so much. After all, who else is going to wish me better when I am ill? Only you, dear bloggers.

Then there's the cold. It's very cold here and my heating won't come on for some unknown reason. I have a fan heater but it is fanning more than it is heating. The massive air circulation is a bit draughty. I do have another little heater which was great at heating. In fact so great that its heating capabilities extended to burning up the plug and melting the socket it was plugged into.

Finally I worked out that I could go to Argos and buy a new little heater to tide me over. Except I can't cope with the Argos in town. It's in a busy shopping centre and Christmas week? I'll be waiting in there with a million other people. Then (cogs turning very slowly folks!) I worked out I could go to the out of town one. This was Sat 6pm and I thought maybe it is still open? But I couldn't check because I have no internet. So I thought fine, I'll go tomorrow. And then I managed not to do anything on Sunday. At all.

So, I was freezing, frozen to the bone cold, very lonely without my internet connection, struggling to breathe - I feel like I need someone to just put a tube down my throat and suck out all the gunk (sorry). I have a big booming cough that signals to the whole neighbourhood that I'm ill. But at least my earache is just twinges now and then.

Anyway, you know how it is when life is heaping it on you ... well I usually find that's just the very best time to start thinking about how I have completely cocked up everything this year. And why stop there? Surely there is more rubbish I can dredge up to make myself feel even worse? You betcha. Christmas on my own? Always a good one. I could go on here but I don't want to lose you to despair, dear reader.

I happened to be watching Dances With Wolves. I've never watched it before (yes, how late am I?) And just as my own shit is seriously getting on top of me, they have to go and bloody shoot the wolf. I COMPLETELY LOST IT. Bucket loads of tears followed by the inevitable suicidal thoughts.

So somehow I got myself together and went to the shop round the corner. I think you know what's coming.

I recognised that I was giving myself permission to binge because, "Who cares when I'm going to kill myself anyway?" But even though I could see this, it didn't stop me.

It wasn't the worst binge in the world. Only because I have largely been off rich food. I have no cravings for very sugary things - so no packets of Mr Kipling cakes. Or anything in bulk. This is because my digestive system has been out of whack the whole time I have been ill.

I have been unable to eat to plan because I couldn't eat my usual fish and veg. I have been eating carbs at every meal. I felt like my innards needed something to hold onto. So I've been eating only porridge and dry carbs. Because the drier something is when it goes in, the drier it'll be when ... yes, OK, you get the picture.

I have been eating pitta bread a lot. Why? I have no idea. I HATE PITTA BREAD. Here's how they make pitta - they take some sawdust and the dried out contents of a hamster cage, grind it up and mix in with a little wholemeal flour, yeast and water. They put it through a mangle to squeeze the life out of it, then bake it. Finally, just to make sure there really is no life left in the damn thing, it gets mangled yet again.

Then they seal it in plastic and the percentage of sawdust means it'll have a shelf life of about 6 months. Cos how can it go off if it's completely dried out dead already?

If I bought a sliced loaf, even if it was the biggest loaf you'd ever seen, it would be gone in 2 days. A packet of 6 pitta can easily last a week.

I am safe with pitta.

But that still doesn't explain why I have been into them recently.

The ONLY thing they have in their favour is that you have to put either salad or banana in there. Otherwise all you can taste is sawdust and hamster scrapings. Therefore, the possible combinations of filling I do are fairly healthy. And I think over the last 2 weeks I've pretty well covered them all.

Saturday night and Sunday involved Bad Eating. But blimey, I was hot! Yes, a minuscule number of those calories were successfully converted to heat. But I think most landed on my thighs. I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE ON BOARD INSULATION THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

***

The above was written yesterday which was a good eating day, involving ground rice porridge for breakfast, 2 meals with pitta bread and 2 snacks. Then I managed a monumental fail in an entirely different direction, but I'll save that for another post.

If you are reading this it's because I am connecting via wi-fi from a neighbouring building. If I am late commenting or responding to emails it's because I can only pick up my neighbour's wi-fi intermittently. Hopefully the cable will be sorted out very soon.

PS Sorry for the lack of Christmas spirit!　

　

　

Day 16: Thoughts on rigidity, chaos and "normal" eating

Another award! This was so kindly given to me by Amazon Runner, Diane at Fit to the Finish, and Katie J. I really feel I don't deserve it as I don't manage to post that often!

There are rules attached to this one:

Each person who receives it must link to the person who gave them the award

They must chose 5 deserving bloggers to pass it on to

They must display the award and link to this post which explains the award

They must add their name to the Mr Linky list on the above link so the originator can keep track of everyone who has received it

They must display the above rules

So many of the people who deserve this award have already been given it, so I have chosen people who to my knowledge have not received it yet. I would like to pass this award on to:

Green Stone Woman who posts at least once a day and is always a good read,

Amy at The not so secret life of a not so super together mom - who has raised many interesting food issues on her blog and written beautifully about her mental state,

Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser - I admire his determination to post every day whatever, and how does he find so much to say?!

Wendy at New Me: A Fresh Start - I might not always agree with what she says, but it's always interesting and challenging (for me) and highly relevant for anyone dealing with their relationship with food.

Jogging Auburn at Quest for a Mile - her posts are just so beautiful! She hasn't posted for a little while now so I hope she'll start again soon.

All the above are in my bloglist. And I have still not passed on my Best Blog Award! Next time ...

So, about the diet. I have completed day 16 and all is going well so far. I hit my target of walking 4 times last week and have 1 walk under my belt this week, done on Sunday (my diet week running from Sun to Sat). I had a very active day today walking and actually running part of the way to my healer (because I was late!) for 35 mins and then I walked for an hour afterwards. But I don't count it as an official walk unless it's at least 1 1/2 hours continuous walking. My eating has been spot on and despite many times over the past week when I felt very down I haven't even really wanted to "depression eat". I have had occasional bingeing thoughts but have dismissed them quickly from my mind because I know so well how "fantasy bingeing" has a tendency to turn into the real thing. The only thing I am still struggling with is getting to bed on time. It's certainly much better than it was but I have still had a couple of 2.30 bedtimes and one 3am which is obviously way off what it should be. But I'm going to continue trying on that one. I also haven't yet built up my toning exercises. I'll get there!

But overall I'm very happy that my good eating and exercise routine is nailed in place. It feels so much better waking up after a day of clean eating compared to the horror I have felt every morning for the past few months of waking up after another day bingeing. Literally horror. I have of course still felt very depressed and low during the last 2 weeks - because I'm suffering from depression aside from my eating. But I don't feel I'm in chaos anymore because my eating is not chaotic. I don't have that circling, behind the scenes terror about what I'm doing to myself with eating ridiculous amounts of food. I'm not filled with anxiety about being out of control and not knowing how I'm going to stop it. So the difference in my mental state is dramatic. I feel so much calmer.

And I am just so grateful that I'm not really struggling to stick to my healthy eating regime. It is not a battle. If it were a battle then I wouldn't be succeeding. I don't have very much willpower at my disposal as concerns my eating. I do and can force myself into doing the walking. That does require quite a bit of determination - just to get out there due to my agoraphobia, and in the cold windy wet weather. I have willpower there. But I don't believe I have that much with eating.

For me there are two states of being with eating (since I had a breakdown) which are eating in a very repetitive rigid pattern or eating totally chaotically. I seem to have moved from the latter to the former. But I don't know how.

Today I read on Leslie's blog about her desperation to pack in the bingeing that's been plaguing her weight loss efforts for some while now. She asked for suggestions on this and several people have written interesting comments in response. Vickie's suggestion was that Leslie should only eat at home or if out, only eat food she had prepared herself. So to keep complete control over her eating. I had made a similar suggestion to Leslie the day before about nailing a healthy eating pattern in place and not deviating from it except for the coming actual holiday days. What I was meaning was something very similar to what Vickie suggested ie to 100% plan her eating - what to eat and at what times, and stick with it no matter what. But I didn't push the idea because I was worried that what I was suggesting was as much disordered eating as her existing bingeing pattern.

Keeping to a very rigid repetitive structure is the only way that I myself can cope with food, and I'm very aware that this is not "normal". It is the flip side of chaotic eating - total rigidity and routine. It also has many problems associated with it - such as never being able to have any spontaneity, never being able to eat out, the tendency that if I do step out of my pattern I'm in real trouble - I can't handle it at all and may end up bingeing/ compulsive eating for months before I regain control. I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer this of course.

So how can I make such a suggestion? Shouldn't we all be aiming for sane eating? Is it wrong to aim for anything other than that? On the other hand, sanity for me can only be found in sticking to my trusted routine. That is where my safety and sanity exist. And what is normal eating anyway? I saw an obesity surgeon on TV not so long ago and when his team stopped for lunch everyone got out their tupperware boxes and tucked into their sandwiches. He pulled a can of tuna out of his pocket and that was his lunch. His mantra was "Never eat anything beige!" ie no cakes, biscuits, pastry etc. He was very thin of course, but judging by the faces of his colleagues, they all thought he was nuts. I have to say that seeing this man eating a can of tuna for lunch everyday to the derision of colleagues made me feel that my eating wasn't so weird after all. This guy was essentially saying that what we consider to be "normal eating" is the reason why 2/3 of adults in this country are overweight or obese. He was unashamedly abnormal in his eating.

So to come back to Leslie, is rigidity the key? A zero tolerance approach to eating outside of set meals she has prepared herself? I honestly can't say. It would be great to get the weight loss going again, for sure. But what about all the socialising involving food? With buffets one can just abstain, but sit down meals with friends and family? Work socials? Also, how long would it last? This is something that needs a solution for life, not for a few months.

But this is the stuff that everyone who wants to lose weight faces. Saying no when other people are gorging away right in front of you. Saying no to yourself when you want to eat chocolate cake (I'm even frightened to type that food!) Saying no to yourself when you are hungry. In other words, taking control. Generally you only get to have a serious weight problem by being out of control so the only way to rectify it is to be very much in control.

So it's all about finding a type of control over your eating that you can live with. For Sean for example it's about eating all his favourite foods whether healthy or not so healthy. He eats it as long as it's within his calorie budget. For me it is about eating the same food at the same time every day.

Of course control over your eating is only tackling one end of the problem and Lori-Ann made a great comment to Leslie's post about thinking how she would deal with life after she had lost her weight - what would her mission be then? And the anxiety that accompanied these thoughts.

Eating to plan in no way addresses issues such as how you will live your life as a thin person, fear of change in body size or any emotional issues that keep you clinging to your extra poundage. But if it means you can live less chaotically then you might just have the time and space in your mind to address the other issues rather than have your life dominated by bingeing hell.