Bears say hi ...

So difficult to write this. I have been ill. I'm not even sure what has happened to me. And that is most unusual. For me not to fully understand what is going on. Usually, whatever state of illness I have been in, I've been able to observe it, analyse and understand it even as I was experiencing it. Some would say this is due to my prior learning, but I think it's as much due to my natural interest in the workings of the mind. I have strangely always enjoyed watching my own psychological process, no matter how distressed I have been. I find it fascinating, exciting even, to see the delicate workings of the mind unfolding. To see the usual pathways diverted. To feel what fragmentation feels like compared to wholeness. To see what is underneath the usual psychological set up. What is at the root of all of us, in other words.

But this last couple of weeks has been different. Blank. Numb. Shaking and crying. Unable to cope with anything or even think too much.

I'm not sure what to make of it. Hell, if I'm going to be mentally ill, I at least want it to be interesting. This has just been tediously boring.

I think it has been severe anxiety. Overwhelming. For what reason? Anxiety about the future.

I KNOW, I KNOW. If I could just stop worrying about the future, I'd actually be able to have a life right now.

But the fact is that I do need to make plans for the future and be able to see a way ahead from here. But every time I do that I just come up against this terrible anxiety until I give up on it. Not being able to make plans and change things over the last few years for this very reason has meant that I have been "stuck"; unable to move forward with my life. You might say, well life carries on anyway, whatever plans anyone makes - which is true of course. I'm still alive despite having no forward plans. But in order to have a life which is worth living I need desperately to make changes, and that requires planning, which is where I fall apart. Even on the planning.

Most people in reasonable mental health can at least do the planning stage, though many will not get further than that of course. It takes guts to make changes. Most can plan to leave a bad relationship, change their job, start their own business, blimey, even eat better and get some exercise! How many will actually carry it through? Most, not until it gets really desperate. I suppose that a lot of the time we are consoling ourselves with our plans, even when we feel unable to act of them. The consolation of the diet starting on Monday, or after whatever holiday it is. I will leave him when the kids are ___ age. I will start my own business after this recession/ when I have paid x% off the mortgage. So I'm not even getting the consolation. On the other hand these rationalisations allow us to carry on as we are. It means we can put off change for another day.

I have been putting off change for many years now. Of course, at times I have really been too ill to make significant change. At other times, circumstances have made the changes that I wanted impossible.

But generally, if I am being honest with myself, change of some sort has ALWAYS been possbible.

So my mission at the moment is to see change in a more positive light, so it doesn't scare the sh*t out of me.


Thank you so much to those people who have lefts comments and sent emails worried about where I am and what has happened to me. Thank you for caring so much and sticking with me. I hope to catch up with you all soon. I haven't even signed into blogger or read my email over the last couple of weeks. But, hopefully normal service will be resumed very soon.

The only light in my life recently has been the snow! Do these photos look cold enough or what? They have not been put through a filter or anything. They were taken in the park by the river. The huts on the other side of the river are the allotments.

Once again, thank you friends. I'll be visiting you all soon ....

Bearfriend xx

I lost it and it's all Kevin Costner's fault

Victoria Wood and Julie Walters discussing diet and exercise esp in relation to a fat woman they both know.

VW: "You have to clench your buttocks"

JW: "Well she couldn't clench her's. It'd take two strong men and a wheelbarrow!"

Ok. I just thought I'd cheer you up before yet another depressing post.

Firstly, I have no internet connection. There has been a cable problem for the last 4 days and Virgin STILL haven't fixed it. They ain't rushing. I really hope they sort it out soon. I just can't face Christmas with no connection. The first day I was so depressed. I felt cut off. I wanted to know what you were all up to! Seriously it has made me miserable. I miss you all so much. After all, who else is going to wish me better when I am ill? Only you, dear bloggers.

Then there's the cold. It's very cold here and my heating won't come on for some unknown reason. I have a fan heater but it is fanning more than it is heating. The massive air circulation is a bit draughty. I do have another little heater which was great at heating. In fact so great that its heating capabilities extended to burning up the plug and melting the socket it was plugged into.

Finally I worked out that I could go to Argos and buy a new little heater to tide me over. Except I can't cope with the Argos in town. It's in a busy shopping centre and Christmas week? I'll be waiting in there with a million other people. Then (cogs turning very slowly folks!) I worked out I could go to the out of town one. This was Sat 6pm and I thought maybe it is still open? But I couldn't check because I have no internet. So I thought fine, I'll go tomorrow. And then I managed not to do anything on Sunday. At all.

So, I was freezing, frozen to the bone cold, very lonely without my internet connection, struggling to breathe - I feel like I need someone to just put a tube down my throat and suck out all the gunk (sorry). I have a big booming cough that signals to the whole neighbourhood that I'm ill. But at least my earache is just twinges now and then.

Anyway, you know how it is when life is heaping it on you ... well I usually find that's just the very best time to start thinking about how I have completely cocked up everything this year. And why stop there? Surely there is more rubbish I can dredge up to make myself feel even worse? You betcha. Christmas on my own? Always a good one. I could go on here but I don't want to lose you to despair, dear reader.

I happened to be watching Dances With Wolves. I've never watched it before (yes, how late am I?) And just as my own shit is seriously getting on top of me, they have to go and bloody shoot the wolf. I COMPLETELY LOST IT. Bucket loads of tears followed by the inevitable suicidal thoughts.

So somehow I got myself together and went to the shop round the corner. I think you know what's coming.

I recognised that I was giving myself permission to binge because, "Who cares when I'm going to kill myself anyway?" But even though I could see this, it didn't stop me.

It wasn't the worst binge in the world. Only because I have largely been off rich food. I have no cravings for very sugary things - so no packets of Mr Kipling cakes. Or anything in bulk. This is because my digestive system has been out of whack the whole time I have been ill.

I have been unable to eat to plan because I couldn't eat my usual fish and veg. I have been eating carbs at every meal. I felt like my innards needed something to hold onto. So I've been eating only porridge and dry carbs. Because the drier something is when it goes in, the drier it'll be when ... yes, OK, you get the picture.

I have been eating pitta bread a lot. Why? I have no idea. I HATE PITTA BREAD. Here's how they make pitta - they take some sawdust and the dried out contents of a hamster cage, grind it up and mix in with a little wholemeal flour, yeast and water. They put it through a mangle to squeeze the life out of it, then bake it. Finally, just to make sure there really is no life left in the damn thing, it gets mangled yet again.

Then they seal it in plastic and the percentage of sawdust means it'll have a shelf life of about 6 months. Cos how can it go off if it's completely dried out dead already?

If I bought a sliced loaf, even if it was the biggest loaf you'd ever seen, it would be gone in 2 days. A packet of 6 pitta can easily last a week.

I am safe with pitta.

But that still doesn't explain why I have been into them recently.

The ONLY thing they have in their favour is that you have to put either salad or banana in there. Otherwise all you can taste is sawdust and hamster scrapings. Therefore, the possible combinations of filling I do are fairly healthy. And I think over the last 2 weeks I've pretty well covered them all.

Saturday night and Sunday involved Bad Eating. But blimey, I was hot! Yes, a minuscule number of those calories were successfully converted to heat. But I think most landed on my thighs. I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE ON BOARD INSULATION THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

***

The above was written yesterday which was a good eating day, involving ground rice porridge for breakfast, 2 meals with pitta bread and 2 snacks. Then I managed a monumental fail in an entirely different direction, but I'll save that for another post.

If you are reading this it's because I am connecting via wi-fi from a neighbouring building. If I am late commenting or responding to emails it's because I can only pick up my neighbour's wi-fi intermittently. Hopefully the cable will be sorted out very soon.

PS Sorry for the lack of Christmas spirit!　

　

　

Still ill

Hi Folks. Thanks for all your well wishes. I really thought I was almost better a few days ago but this thing has flared up again and it's actually worse now than last week.

Over the weekend I was very done in and frustrated with still not being able to get out and get walking. But I was patient and took it easy. I walked to the supermarket and back on Saturday but stayed in Sunday. I went to see my healer on Monday and made it up the hill without a problem. I had a great day Tuesday with tons of energy and getting a load of jobs done around the house. I had far more energy that day than at any time in the last 6 months. It was weird. But that night I started with a bad sore throat and by the next morning I was full of cold. Then last night things got worse. When I got into bed I had the most severe earache I've ever had in my left ear. It radiated to the left half of my head. It was so bad I was actually frightened. Then I was aching all over. It was a bad night.

I've spent much of the last 24 hours crying. I have really had enough.

I know it's stupid to get so upset. It will go away SOMETIME. But it looks like it'll be another week. And I've already been ill for 2 weeks. It is grinding me down.

I had to cancel a meeting today with the lady who helps me get out.

I am sick and tired of feeling like SHIT!

Sorry I can't write more but I am feeling too bad.