Turn around

The good news first: I've had a Good Food Day today. I got up late and instead of reaching for a carby breakfast of porridge or cereal (2 or 3 bowls) I found I just couldn't face it (more on that later). So I had a diet yoghurt followed by a load of veg I cooked the night before with some fish in parsley sauce (135 cal). And I loved it. I followed it with a caramel Wispa bar. Then I had to go out to see my CPN. We had and a good meeting and when I told her about the continuing trouble with agoraphobia she suggested that once a week someone could meet me at the supermarket and go round with me. Strange that I've never been offered help with this before but then it's rarely been as extreme as it is now. Anyway, that will make sure I get out to the supermarket once a week.

After I'd seen her I was able to do some Good Shopping and I was literally dripping with sweat by the time I got home with heavy bags. It is still VERY warm here (on the SW Peninsular). For tea (as we from the north call it) I had fish pie and plenty of veg and a little salad + a diet yoghurt + low cal choc drink (40cals).

So I have managed a day without any starchy carbs and I didn't even feel like any.

But the reason today has been so good is because last night was so bad - although generally after a bad night the carb monster is still raging. I had a major choc/ cake/ biscuit binge. I hadn't had a binge since last Monday.

The reason for last night's binge? Tuesday is always a bad day because I do my laundry and I get stressed over it and I couldn't face the rest of the evening without a "treat" but instead of buying just one or two things I bought a carrier bag full. So even though I'd cooked a load of veg before I went to the shop I wasn't able to eat it because I can't eat good food when I've just eaten a load of rubbish.

I didn't even enjoy it beyond the first two Cadbury Twirls. I was forcing it down but I didn't want it, need it or enjoy it. I did feel guilty afterwards; that I'd made myself eat food I didn't want. I also felt frightened. Frightened of the effect of all that rubbish. I thought about throwing up afterwards but couldn't quite persuade myself to do it.

Great to feel guilty; that what I did was wrong. And strange to be suddenly frightened. It shows I've come to my senses a bit over my crazy eating. I hadn't binged since the previous Monday, so I went over a week without bingeing. And I wasn't massively overeating dry carbs either. In fact my eating the last week has been more normal than it's been in a long time. Why?

A weird thing happened on the Sunday - I binged and it caused me to cry. I felt miserable that I was putting too much food in my body. Really sad. And then when I got up early on Monday morning after very little sleep I ate the rest of the bingeing food I had in. I got back into bed with the last chocolate bar and when I next looked down at it, it was practically gone and I didn't remember eating it. The down side of eating when you're not fully woken up yet. That shocked me and made me feel really terrible. Like it hadn't been worth it. And I was miserable over my silly binge for the rest of the day. And crying over it.

But I recognised that although I felt bad this was actually a good thing. Whereas before I had cried when trying not to binge, now I was crying because I was bingeing. So my bingeing wasn't reinforced anymore by that feeling of relief and the enjoyment of the food; so I haven't wanted to do it anymore. In fact I had a miserable, down feeling whenever I thought of it last week. Last week when I went to the convenience shop and looked at the bingeing foods I felt turned off, rather than pressing the "go" button in my brain, the lets-just-buy-a-load-of-chocolate-cake-biscuits-crisps etc button that results in a basket full of rubbish.

So why did I reach this point? I think it's because it has just gone too far. It's been going on too long. I'd been bingeing badly almost every day for over 2 1/2 months (with just one week when I didn't binge and ate mainly Readybrek).

Not that I haven't done worse and gone on for longer in the past. But I think the difference is I've never done so little for such a long period of time. I've been feeling ill with pains in the chest, aching, agitation, skin problems. A lot of this is due to sitting indoors hardly moving all day long.

The worst time I ever had in my life was 2002 when put on 6 stone (84lbs) in a few months. But I didn't feel as bad physically as I do now. Why? Well I was getting out a lot more. Just walking into town (15 mins), around town and back again. Walking round with The Bear. And maybe I was just younger then - 30 instead of 37. Makes a difference.

And this time I have really given up on everything. No healing, hardly ever going into town at all, no going to the library. I've only seen The Bear about twice and my CPN twice (apart from today) during this mad bingeing phase.

All this time I have chosen food over people. All "normal life" has been suspended. I have been too ashamed to go out and be seen by other people and spend time with other people. But working through all that stuff about shame has really helped me. A couple of days ago I went into town on my own and sat in a cafe and read a book. I was self conscious and worried who might see me, but I was also relieved and happy that I did it. Not having binged for a week helped too of course. Really annoying then that as soon as I got stressed I binged again.

I think the solution to the Tuesday problem is to go to bed for 2 or 3 hours. Sean (DD of a WL) said that when he felt like bingeing he used to go to bed and when he woke up the need to binge was gone. And Nora (Green Stone Woman) often uses the method of going to sleep when she feels bad and when she wakes up her brain is reset. So this is what I'm going to do next Tuesday. Have to wait and see if it works.

BTW My healer really loved the flowers - she texted me to say she was "over the moon" with them. I hope I'll be going to see her again in the next 2 to 3 weeks. I'm really looking forward to it.

PS I accidentally deleted an email entitled something like "Extremely Confidential". So if you sent such an email, please send again (unless it was junk)!

Walk with The Bear

Oh dear. I have just written a very long comment on escapefromobesity (see blog list) and it makes me feel so embarassed. I have always been great at responding to other people's stuff rather than focussing on my own sh*t. It was just the same when I went to a (quasi) therapy group. I hardly ever talked about myself. I focussed intensely on everyone else's problems. It's always much easier to think things through and come up with a reasoned response when the problem comes out of someone else's mouth (or keyboard). Because of this I always thought I'd make a great psychotherapist, but just one little spanner in the works - I'm too much of a f**kup myself to ever be taken seriously in that sphere. This is really annoying!

At least thinking about Lyn's stuff is helping me get further forward myself as we are both battling our weight, whereas the therapy group was filled with people with very diverse problems - none of which related to eating - so I didn't really get that much from it in that sense.

I did get to see The Bear yesterday but only after a long wait. He had told me to ring him between 3 and 4pm to arrange meeting up. So after getting up at 2pm (I only got into bed at 7am and slept badly) I had a reasonable breakfast and then read blogs all afternoon. I didn't want to have anymore to eat as I knew I would end up eating too much and so not be able to go outside as my stomach would be too big to get into the only summer clothes I have that fit (yes that's how bad things are). It enabled me to see that I am able to stop eating if I really want something bad enough - and I really did want to see The Bear. And also that reading blogs is a great distraction from eating! I love reading them - my new obsession?

Anyway, it turned out that The Bear had only gone to bed at 8am and so I didn't get to meet up with him until 7.30 in the evening - a long time to go without food! But I wanted to see him so bad that I wasn't going to mess it up. All I had was 2 bananas. And I felt OK.

We went for a walk together 1/2 an hour up a hill and then back. We sat on a bench together at the top looking out onto distant hills as dusk fell. He ate some chips he'd bought on the way but luckily he didn't offer me any! - which I think was because I'd said about how much weight I'd put on and how upset I was about it.

He chuntered on in his usual fashion about computing and photography and all the people he knows etc. I never get to discuss my own stuff with him - beyond a line or two I manage to lever in when he pauses for breath. But I accepted that a long time ago - he can't take on my stuff on top of his own. He just can't cope with it. Most people think this is so unsatisfactory that I shouldn't bother seeing him anymore. But I love him and without him I probably wouldn't still be alive right now. He's kept me going just by being him. He can only be himself - he can't be something he's not afterall.

I was really impressed by the fact that I was able to do this walk. There is always the danger after a sudden burst of exercise that I will binge because it's such a shock to the system after weeks of sitting indoors all day. We went to a shop on the way back and I did Good Shopping until the guy on the till was putting it thru and then I went to the freezer and got a choc covered ice cream for both of us. That one item is the only bad thing I've eaten in a week apart from a small choc bar. And the choc bar was followed by 2 orlistat so no damage. But because I didn't take any tablets with the ice cream I got the fat hit and it was amazing to me after that how I started fantasising about food etc like a mini rush in my brain. But luckily I was still walking with The Bear around town for 30 mins after I'd eaten it so I didn't get the chance to act on those feelings, and they weren't actually reinforced by eating behaviour. The unstoppable train didn't get to leave the station that day.

It is now 9pm here and I'm not sure whether I should go out on a walk or not. And whether if I do I will be able to eat safely and sanely afterwards.

I'll let you know what happens...