Quite a bit of walking and some pottery!

Hi Folks. The last week has been pretty rough. I had a couple of days when I was suicidal. And a couple more of feeling very depressed and helpless about everything. On the up side I have been getting out and about a lot - mainly though not entirely with the Bear. And I started pottery classes!

The lady who helps me get out has accompanied me twice to a class at a little private studio where they only charge 5 pounds a session - a session being up to 3 hours. Pretty good value. I'm going with her again tomorrow. I couldn't even think of what I was going to make before the session, but as soon as I got there I spotted a bhuddist type of candle holder (not made of clay) and decided to take inspiration from that. I was amazed at how easily I got into it. I was completely absorbed in the process very quickly. It's as though everything else from my mind vanished and there was only this moment and the clay I was working with. I loved it! I hope to finish my candleholder tomorrow. My hope is that I can do something very clever with the glazes to cover any inadequacies there might be in the sculpting! I also already have my next item planned - a vase. I will post photos as I finish things.

I am seeing the Bear quite a lot these days. He has been spending a lot of time out and about as a way of avoiding Mrs Bear - since their big public argument. Last week he spent many hours talking about leaving her, but I think things have calmed down now.

Being out with the Bear does tend to get me moving. We always walk somewhere, and even if not a long walk - any walk is better than just sitting at home. Which is what I'd be doing otherwise. Even gentle walking with plenty of standing around burns a lot more calories than sitting.

We've been up to the university grounds again taking photographs, some of which are below. Today we walked around that area again and the Bear kept complaining that the hills were killing him etc etc etc. But I keep reminding him it's good for his heart.

The down side is the near constant grumpiness and also the chips. The Bear never eats breakfast, or anything at all before I meet up with him in the afternoon and is therefore always starving and wanting to visit a fish and chip shop. Last week I realised that I was eating about half his chips every day - and he had started buying a large portion to compensate for what I was eating. Not good. And then there are the meals out. I mean the proper meals in pubs in the evenings. With chips. And many other high fat options. I decided to draw a line under this behaviour. I am happy to walk, drink tea and coffee, and sit outside with the Bear as much as he wants, but I will not be eating any more meals out. Because I don't really enjoy the food that much and it's costing me a lot of money to eat calories I don't need.

So today we went to M and S cafe and had drinks but no food as I refused to pay and the Bear won't pay their prices. After that he had to get some chips but I didn't tuck in with him and only had a very few at the end which he left. Then we went on a walk up and around a hill ending by sitting on a bench with a long view over the hills. Then we walked back down the hill, through the uni grounds and around town. A good lot of walking!

I had my evening meal at home of a less than 400cals thai curry and rice with a pyrex dish of veg. Followed by a Muller light yoghurt.

With the sudden boiling hot weather I am really motivated to reign my eating in and establish a good routine. Which is just as well because I can't even fit into Biggest Ever Trousers and am having wear jersey stretch trousers to encase my bulk. I also cannot see myself removing my coat in public any time soon which is a real drag. I manage to take it off at pottery class by immediately putting a very large apron on which I kid myself sort of disguises my size. I rely on my delusions!
***
Some sort of bog plant

 Camellias

I tried to take some pictures of these ducks but they weren't ready for their close up and protested loudly while waddling away from me.   

A tree with amazing peeling bark which the Bear informed me is a Eucalyptus tree.

Magnolias. They seem to grow especially well in this part of the country. Where I am from in the north they are very rare and difficult to grow.  

There were many petals as well as furry bud casings on the ground - which I think look like abandoned mouse coats!

Merrie England!

Hi Folks. I got out today, on my own, at just after 3.30pm which is pretty brilliant for me. And I walked round taking photos for over 2 hours. Unfortunately it was overcast and even started hailing at one stage so the atmosphere of the photos is a little grim. Which may cause some of you to wonder why I have called this post Merrie England!

It's because the time when the timber framed buildings below were built is traditionally thought of as good times in our history. Why? Well the black death, otherwise known as bubonic plague, wiped out about a quarter of the population in England in the middle of the 14th century. Before the plague life was very hard with food shortages and much of the population living in serfdom. Landowners were able to set low rates of pay and treat the peasants (labourers) in any way they pleased. The peasants were not free, they were serfs in that the landowners could make demands on them they could not refuse. After the plague the shortage of labour pushed wages up, there was enough food for everyone, and plenty of abandoned land for individuals to take over and work for themselves. The absolute power of the landowners was broken and the feudal system was all but over by the end of the 14th century. The peasants had never had it so good (to coin Macmillan's phrase).

The plague gave those left alive the opportunity to prosper, work for themselves and generally make merry.

These are some timber framed buildings from the 15th century. The timber used is oak which naturally ages to a dark grey colour. The infilling would originally have been wattle and daub - woven wooden panels which were covered in a mixture of earth, straw, animal hair, clay, sand and possibly even some dung thrown in! Now of course, although the original wattle (woven panels) may still be there, the daub has been replaced with plaster - more durable and probably smells better!

The pathway up the hill is medieval being made more of pebbles than cobbles. There's also an old gas lamp now converted to electricity. Many original gas lamps can be seen around the city (you'll have seen them on other photos of mine) as this was one of the first places in England to have gas light - in 1815.

I went down this way to call in at the charity bookshop seen here on the right. On the left, the shop is a business owned by one of the Bear's sisters! The stone supports on which the first floor currently stands were put in at a later date presumably to stop the whole thing from collapsing.

Next door is a beautiful church built in the 15th century from the local red stone. I should say rebuilt as there has been a church on that spot since the 12th century.

Across the road is another timber framed building where you can see the original ground floor structure. It is called "The House that Moved" because it was moved to that position in 1961 when they built a new road. The whole building, being mainly wood, was rolled about 90 metres to its new position quite easily! It's now a bridal shop.

Previously some of the timberwork had been plastered over but this was stripped off revealing the original structure in all its glory.

 

Many wood framed buildings were remodelled in later times. This is an example of a property which has been entirely plastered over but you can still see each storey jutting over the one below.   

 

Here is another example of original timber framing on the side of a building.

But  the front of that building is entirely Georgian including the perfectly preserved shop front.

I have many more photos, but to finish today here are some photos of the converted pub from the last post showing the gallery with original pews, the main floor and the bar.

And the Regency gothic chapel next door

Busy week

Hi Folks. I've had a stressful week dealing with Bear business. The Bear has had a lot going on. He was sent a letter by the housing association telling him the development where he lives will be refurbished and he will have to temporarily move out for this to happen. He has been very stressed over this. The letter gave no specifics but a couple of phone calls later I found out that they don't have any schedule for works yet but it will start later this year. I will try to negotiate a single move for him rather than moving out for 3 months and then back, because I'm not sure he will stand the strain otherwise. Only problem is that all the other residents are also eldery, mentally ill or physically handicapped so many of them can't cope with it either, so whether they will see him as a priority for a single move I don't know.

Then there is The Form (nothing to do with his housing). A whole booklet of questions to fill in for him. I spent over 2 hours on my own filling out answers on a practice form. I know most of the answers having known him intimately for 9 years. But some I wasn't sure, so we had over an hour together going through the practice form filling in the blanks. Then he had to write it out himself on the real form. The Bear has a slight spelling disability (his reading is not affected, only spelling), and I was getting very worried after about 2 pages of spelling out every other word for him. I said to the Bear, "This is as bad as pulling teeth"... then reconsidered, "OK, not quite as bad as that".

Mercifully after that his engine seemed to be running better and I was only spelling out every 4th or 5th word. Anyway, they will be used to any amount of terrible spelling so a few errors aren't really a problem. The Bear put in a stonking performance and we were through it in 2 1/2 hours - I thought it would take about 4! He can't have done that much writing in a very long time. The *bears* then cheekily asked him what the subject of his next book would be!

So after over 6 hours of work the next stage was to get it signed by the doctor which duly took place on Thursday when I accompanied him at his request. It's a long time since I accompanied the Bear on an app and I was apprehensive because sometimes he makes over the top demands or gets unreasonable. But this time it went OK. I asked for him to be referred for a CPN because I can't handle all the work and support involved with him moving. I had to go back the next day to collect the damn form.

It still needs a couple of sections writing in which I will have to do this weekend so it can be sent off early next week. I think we'll be glad to see the back of it!

I've seen the Bear on 3 days this week and he was surprisingly good tempered throughout. Which is practically unheard of. I was seriously stressed over it all, mainly the anticipation, though it turned out OK. The previous 2 weeks I had found him very draining due to his stress over the housing thing. I have been selfishly so grateful not to be Mrs Bear at this time. Although it has to be said I'm grateful on an average day not to be Mrs Bear. But recently they have been having some very nasty arguments (purely due to stress) and he has been thinking about splitting up with her. I think this would be a very bad idea - esp for me! Admitedly I think he has had this idea in his head for a little while now. The giveaway was when he learnt how to use the microwave.

Other indicators are talking about "doing something" with his hair, and losing some weight. He wants to look his best if he's going to be on the pull. He stopped dying his hair and long white-grey hair doesn't look too hot, so he told me he's thinking of getting a short cut - the name George Clooney was indeed mentioned. I think it will look quite distinguished. The *bears* say that "fur length" hair is just the thing this season so they're all for it.

The weight loss has occured mainly due to his teeth being painful and then subsequently worrying about catching the gum while it was healing. The last couple of years he has looked like he had the most enormous beach ball shoved up his jumper. Now it just looks like a small beach ball.

The big news apart from all this is that The Bear is Broody!!!! Yes really! Which is slightly another nail in the coffin of the current arrangement as she can't have them. I said, "At your time of life?" and he said that he'd reached the stage of life where you consider if you should have a baby before it's too late. (I might add that he does already have a grown up son only 2 years younger than me. But they haven't been in touch for a long time due to getting divorced when his son was still a small child.) Whether he is really serious or just using it as another thing against her, I'm not sure.

Well, that's been a big chunk of Bear hasn't it? What about me? Eating wise I haven't been doing too great this week. I have eaten my stress at several times during the week, although pulled back yesterday and today. On the up side I have been very physically active the last 5 days doing plenty of walking. Up the very big hill to my healer on Monday and walking through town afterwards, Tuesday I went on a walk lasting 1 1/4 hours in the evening, Wed I had 1/2 hour of fast walking going to see my CPN and then another 1/2 hour almost running to get back into town to meet the Bear (dripping in sweat by the time I got there). Thur and Fri I was walking around town with the Bear. He's kept me on my toes anyway!

***
I have tons of photos yet to post, but for today I thought I'd show you a few curiosities.

Elizabethan themed Trompe l'oeil painting on the side of a building on the High Street.

Intricate carving on the doorway of the Cathedral.

There are many small creatures and birds on the doorway. This little monkey is only half the size of my hand.

This creature is the same size. Do you think it's a dog? It's got a very bushy tail!

2 tiny little dragons!

Ancient passageway. The timber framing on the left is Elizabethan, the infilling of bricks is later.

Someone has done a cheeky Banksy style ghetto blaster on some of the infilling!

PS Hope you all have a great Valentine's Day tomorrow!

Snowpeople, a walk through the town, and an Elephant!

When the snow came everyone immediately went out and built a snowman. Obviously. Most snowman are a little chubby. But this guy is in pretty good shape.

Ever seen a snowlady? You can see her perfect lips and even eyelashes - she's wearing mascara! The scarf was very pretty with roses and gold thread running through it. After the snowlady melted someone put it over a railing. The Bear *snaffled* it for me as a little souvenir!

***

I have been trying to think of 7 things about me for the award I received from Sheilagh. It was bl**dy difficult to dredge anything up!

My favourite film used to be Amadeus. I have watched it a hundred times probably. I don't know what my favourite film is these days.

My favourite drink used to be whisky or Amaretto + Bacardi + orange juice. But these days I prefer just neat Amaretto.

Despite lackadaisical attention to brushing I have no fillings in my teeth. A dentist told me 20 years ago I would never need any fillings and so far he is right. I do have an acid erosion problem though and have had several teeth covered in plastic to prevent further damage.

I make lace - or at least I used to before my hands got bad with psoriasis. Strangely enough, despite all my education, this little hobby (or waste of time as I often think of it) is possibly the biggest chance I have of ever earning any money again. I mean in the sense of teaching it in adult ed classes. Not that the money would be great due to the limited number of hours. I make Bucks Point lace for those in the know. I had also started learning Honiton lace before I had to give it up.

I went to art college before I did my degree. It was very hard work! Probably the hardest most consistent work I have ever done. And done while my mother was dying of cancer, my father had a cancer scare and my family were utterly opposed to me studying art and let me know it at every possible opportunity. Pressure or what?

I need salt! One summer night I was unable to sleep at all. I didn't know what the matter was. At last I got up and went to the salt jar. I ate two teaspoons of salt. I felt my whole body relax and say "Aaaahhhh!" I got back into bed and went straight to sleep.

Most special TV show ever (historical) - Fame! I was allowed to stay up specially late to watch it. I haven't seen it since then so I don't know how I'd find it now. But to me at that time it was My Dream. I've seen the film several times in adulthood but it's a lot sadder than the series.

***

Next time I really must tackle the Elephant in the room - my eating. Am I looking like an elephant? Yes! And I really want to eat better, but so far it hasn't happened. I am slowly making adjustments - eating a proper evening meal to prevent snacking. Trying to make a few better choices. But I am very unhappy with where I am on this. I am overeating, but not bingeing (thankfully) so far this year. My recent mental drop out didn't result in any mad eating. Just too many carbs at every single meal. I have not cared too much what I have been eating or how much. I just ate what I felt like and what I had in. But I am ready for change on this now. Enough bad eating already!

***

Walking through the streets at night. The entrance to Cathedral close with iron bridge dated 1815 connecting a walkway that runs across the top of the medieval city wall (origins of wall are Roman).

The city centre is built on (1st century) Roman foundations. The city was razed to the ground a thousand years ago and rebuilt by the Normans. But the Roman foundations are still there. The earliest parts of the buildings you can see on the right here are probably 13th century.

Cathedral built by the Normans in 12th and 13th century.

Medieval buildings on the right against Georgian stuccoed splendor on the left.

Passing on the Love!

These two awards were so kindly given to me by Green Stone Woman.












I would like to pass the "Atta Girl" award on to Lori-Ann at Amazon Runner because she really is making a difference with the Lakota Crafts project. This project is about providing the Lakota people with income from their own traditional crafts and thus working towards alleviating their poverty. You can read all about this project here and link from her site to the shop if you are tempted for a beautiful selection of unique handmade gifts for Christmas.

I would also like to pass the "Atta Girl" award onto Tammy at From Fat to Fab. She is a true inspiration dealing with large amounts of personal and family stress whilst battling food addiction. Her fortitude never ceases to amaze me. And even though she has so much already to cope with in life she is always generous with her time in helping other bloggers. Her presence in the blogosphere really does make a difference!

I also give this award to Diane at Fit to the Finish. I don't think there has ever been a greater inspiration than someone who has really suffered with her weight and then successfully dealt with it and maintained a healthy lifestyle for 12 years - despite a further 4 pregnancies. She is making a difference to so many people who are struggling to find a way out of their weight problems. Diane proves that it CAN be done and I am so happy that she chooses to share her experience of this whole journey with us.

The Deborah Award was created by Ces for her friend midlifepoet. The explanation of this award is here (I'm unable to copy it into blogger of course) and it really is quite beautiful. This award is for special (female) blogging friends who have stuck with you through your journey.

In Gratitude I would like to pass this award on to the following people who have all offered me friendship and support through the last few months, both on my blog and through email:

Chrissie at A healthy Mind and Healthy Body
Paula at paulawannacracker
Leslie at Something Brilliant is Brewing
Tammy at From Fat to Fab
Judith at The Art of Not Working
Cheryl at Wishing and Discovering
Lori-Ann at Amazon Runner
Natalie at My Kashi Diet
Amy at No to the Deuce
Losing Waist (Don't know if I'm allowed to give her name!)
Amy at The not so secret life of a not so super together mom
Jogging Auburn at Quest for a Mile
Lisa at In Weigh Over My Head
Letta at Jumping off the Binge Wagon
Diane at Fit to the Finish
Patsy at Musings on a 100lb+ Weight Loss Journey

All can be found on my blog list. And I'm sorry that these awards are only for the ladies because I can think of a couple of men I would have passed these onto as well. Sorry guys!

I have other awards to pass on but those will have to wait for the next post. In a way, this seems like an appropriate day to be thankful for all the friendship I've been shown in the blogging community, given that it is Thanksgiving in America today.

A bit ironic that on a holiday when Americans are being thankful for the abundant lives they have, so many people are so anxious about having too much food! I hope all those who are celebrating today have a wonderful day with lots of love and healthful eating.

Anyway, what about the diet? I am on day 12 of my diet and things are going surprisingly well. I was very anxious about it all the first week. So worried I would mess things up yet again. I was super careful. Making sure I only shopped when I wasn't at all hungry, making sure I didn't go into any convenience stores after my walks - the time when I felt most vulnerable. Making sure I only bought good things at the supermarket. I was so relieved to make it through that week! My eating was perfect and I got 4 good walks - I was actually rather annoyed at myself as I felt I could have done 5 if I had put my mind to it.

However, I was still not making it to bed at a reasonable time. This has been a problem for me all year and I am so tired of it - literally! So this week I have been working on it. I reframed *getting to bed on time* as an essential part of my weight loss efforts rather than just an add on. And thus have managed to make it into bed at or before 2am the last 3 nights. I feel SO MUCH BETTER for getting into bed 2 hours earlier. It is as Sean says, you have to make it your highest priority otherwise it won't get done.

I also feel ready to add another goal to the 3 already listed, which is to build up a routine of toning exercises. So far I am doing push ups and plank exercises, and I want to add stomach crunches and leg exercises.

I am still not feeling very confident about things. For me it is not about "stringing together good days" like Jack Sh*t. To do this thing I have to focus on the bigger picture, to think in terms of weeks and months. To be constantly thinking of where I want to be in 4 weeks, in 8 weeks, about the clothes I want to be wearing in the future - all the ones I have right now which I can't currently get into. Also I am not the type of person who loses weight day by day. My body tends to save it up - sometimes for weeks - and then I have a sudden big overnight loss. I always suffer this significant delay - which is agony! So what I'm doing today, or this week, is only going to show up in about 3 weeks time. If I didn't focus really hard on the future I'd be lost. I don't even get a big water loss in the first week - in fact my body's response to healthy eating is usually to retain even more water. Urrrgh! Luckily the water retention situation is starting to resolve now.

So far this week I have done 3 walks and I feel my speed is now picking up. The last couple of days I have barely even noticed that I was walking, apart from near the end. So my fitness has improved dramatically in a very short time.

I started my walking program 3 weeks before adjusting my food intake. I actually put on a bit more weight during that time as I was still eating too much. But I was able to build up my muscles and stamina - and I think maybe this is easier without the double whammy of calorie restriction at the same time. Why is it that we always put so much strain on our bodies all in one go?

Hope you are all having a great day, whether or not you are being thankful!

Saw my healer!

Hi Everyone. Thank you as ever for some amazing comments in response to the last post. I felt very bad about putting that post up. I knew it would touch on difficult stuff for a lot of people, and I want to thank those who shared their pain and experience through comments and emails.

I also felt bad because I was writing from a position of anger essentially about other people's pain (manifesting as anger), which is an inappropriate response - which is what I was complaining about. So how dumb is that?

But I felt I had to say it because I'm tired of reading this stuff on some people's blogs - that they have a right to look down on someone who is depressed/ suicidal. I will not be told by those people that I am not as good as them because I'm feeling worthless .... Errrr ..... Hmmmm. Maybe I do have some self esteem hidden somewhere after all.

Anyway, today I saw my healer! I was so worried about it over the weekend. But today went much better than I expected.

I had built up my walking time last week - 45 minute walk on my own on Monday evening, walking with the Bear Tue, Wed and Thur - up to 1 1/2 hour walking. On Friday I had an appointment with my CPN and the lady who will be meeting with me once a week to help with the agoraphobia so I didn't do a walk but I walked to the appointment, to the supermarket and back.

On Saturday I really struggled to push myself out, but I did it and ended up walking for about 2 hours 20 mins. I walked through some streets, up a very big hill and then down the other side of it. Normally I would walk back on the flat from that point skirting round the edge of town - 1 1/2 hours in total. But when I got to the bottom of the hill I realised I really couldn't face going anywhere near the centre of town. There were just too many people around - many students wearing fancy dress as well as the usual Saturday night crowds. So I had no choice but to turn around and walk back up the bl**dy hill again! And these are big hills let me tell you.

All the time on Saturday I was huffing and puffing and thinking how much harder it was without the Bear to distract me and reassure me just with his presence and his chuntering. I felt very uncomfortable physically doing that walk. Like I was heaving my stomach around the place - it is huge. I really felt my heaviness. And it was a warm evening so I was sweating like anything.

By the time I got back to the bottom of said hill I was in tears and feeling dreadful.

I have lived in denial through my bad bingeing the last few months of how much weight I've actually put on. It's only when you start trying to climb out of the pit that you realise just how bad things have got. Sitting around at home not seeing anyone for the most part, allowed me not to fully face what I had done to myself.

Boy did I face it on Saturday night!

I thought of how shocked my healer would be to see me looking like this, having put on so much weight since I last saw her. I didn't know if I would be able to see her on Monday. I was looking for ways to possibly cancel it.

This morning I was very stressed, and the stress caused me to feel drowsy. I took 200mg of Modafinil and still struggled to move. Everything I did felt like I was on a go slow. But this did mean that I had no energy to specifically worry about seeing her. I was too taken up with just concentrating on getting there.

At the last moment as I was about to leave I found my flies where undone - so I searched for the zip end - and found nothing. The zip had broken. And these trousers are the only ones I have that fit right now. I had dug them, a couple of weeks ago, out of a suitcase where they had lived for several years. They are my Biggest Ever Trousers (BET). I can't tell you how depressed it made me to have to wear BET. I have occasionally, when looking for other items, run across BET in that suitcase and held them up in amazement that I ever had to wear such large trousers. So you can imagine how bad it felt that I am back in them again.

Anyway, I was in a panic. I could just have pinned them closed but of course I tried to force the zipper down and only succeeded in making the whole zip bulge out. I decided that I hated BET anyway and I would try on Next Biggest Trousers (NBT). Amazingly I could actually get into NBT but I would be on a wing and a prayer with them as they are scarily tight and the belt digs in so much that a very large chunk of me hangs over the top all the way round. But I decided I'd go for it. They looked a lot better on than BET. I thought, if they split at least my coat comes down to my knees. That should cover it.

Happily NBT are still intact!

Anyway, I made it up the hill to her house without too much trouble. And she was so happy to see me! And I was so happy to see her! (I'm in tears now).

It was so lovely. And I felt fine.

We had a hug and she took my coat and we sat down and started chatting. And I felt rather silly that I'd been so worried about seeing her and even thought about cancelling. There was nothing to worry about!

I chatted to her for about an hour about how things had been the last few months.

And then she gave me some healing.

When I was about to leave she gave me a bag with a birthday card and two presents in it. It's my birthday this week. I had told her it was my birthday and that was the main reason I hadn't cancelled, because I knew she would have got me something. And she did! (Tears again!)

I feel so lucky.


Today was a great "normalizing" experience. A wonderful reconnection. And, as a bonus, I walked for 1 1/4 hours afterwards and did OK on the food as well.

Thank you once again for your support and prayers.

PS I've been given two more awards! More on that next time.