Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Another Tuesday Fail

You know it all already just from the title. I messed up again due to Tuesday stress. A chocolate and cake binge. It could have been a lot worse. It could have involved donuts and sandwiches and crisps and ice cream. Only the agoraphobia stopped me going back out for more.

The mistake I made was going out AFTER I'd done my washing. I had to go out but I should have done it BEFORE I did the washing. And then I could have just vegged out afterwards. Now I know the rules. Just get bl**dy organised so I don't have to go out on Tuesday at all. And if by some unforeseen calamity it really is necessary then to go out BEFORE I do the washing.

I feel so dumb that I have to make these rules for myself; treat myself like a little child that can't be trusted. I'm an intelligent adult for god's sake. And that's the thing - that I can't trust myself. At least not at the moment.

I didn't eat because I was hungry. I ate because the horrid toddler within wanted a treat, a reward for getting the washing done. A reward for going through the stress of it.

And as with the last chocolate binge I didn't enjoy it beyond the first 100g. In fact I found it really difficult to eat it. I had to FORCE the stuff down. My body really really really didn't want that all that chocolatey sugary goo. Yet force it down I did. Which reminds me that this is a compulsion. Not an addiction. Although certain foods are addictive, I've never really thought of myself as a food addict. Because I eat even when I don't want it all physically. It's like someone compulsively drinking water. You can't be addicted to water, but you can drink it compulsively - and thus do yourself serious harm. People have died from over consumption of water. That is how I feel about food. When I'm eating more healthily, I'm just compulsively consuming large amounts of veg instead of large amounts of chocolate.

After I'd shoved down as much chocolate and cake as I could, I actually started fantasising about the veg and fish I would have had if the binge hadn't occurred. I could actually almost taste it. That's what my body really wanted.

My body has been very happy on the cereal free regime. Very happy. My blood sugar has been flat as a pancake (that would be a low carb pancake with no sugar or syrup obviously). My bowel swelling - which always happens when I binge eat or just eat wheat had gone down by the third day. Amazing! Normally it takes much longer to completely deflate. So now I can't kid myself anymore that my stomach is just that size due to the swelling and I'm left with I very clear idea of just how much fat there is - not pretty.

But the blood sugar is the amazing thing. I have felt hungry at times but that hunger manifested itself in a little tummy rumbling. It was located entirely in my tummy - where it should be. And was thus very easy to ignore. So different from the whole body experience of insulin induced hunger. So it turns out real hunger is actually the easiest to ignore. Then carb induced - which takes a hell of a lot of battling. And the hardest hunger to get round of all is psychological hunger which has nothing at all to do with the calorific needs of your body. And yet this is the most difficult. This is the one that gets me every time. I've always thought that I can handle anything my body throws at me, even the carb induced stuff, if my head is in the right place. If it isn't, then I'm sunk.

Of course I've been getting round that psychological one by the thought of not wanting to have to write up a binge again, which has worked a lot. But yesterday even that thought couldn't stop me. My head was in a different place. The toddler just wanted. And I was dumb enough to respond. To give in.

The only reason it didn't expand into the donuts and so on is that the convenience store was very busy at the time I hit it, and that sent me into a bit of a spin, and then I was standing near the front of the queue thinking of other things I wanted to put in my basket - but that would have meant rejoining a very long queue and I couldn't face it. I told myself I'd just have to come out again if I wanted more - and of course that didn't happen due to the agoraphobia.

So, another Tuesday fail. I found it incredibly difficult to sleep of course after all that sugar so I had a bad night and finally woke up today feeling terrible - very miserable about it all. A miserable failure. And thinking bingey thoughts.

It was only the weather that stopped me going out there and doing more damage today. It just rained torrentially all afternoon. I would have been utterly sodden within 3 minutes of being out and I really hate to get my feet wet!

Now the rain has calmed down and I'm thinking bingeing thoughts again. This is the thing, if the toddler gets it's own way once it thinks it can have it's way again. That's why I have to stamp on it and say No, it was just one day and can't carry on. Like the willpower muscle I read about on someone's blog (sorry can't remember who's). I can come back OK from one bad day, but it's much much harder to come back from more than that.

Having said that, I am still struggling with those thoughts at the moment and don't quite know how I'm going to stop myself. Today has been surprisingly good so far but not because of my willpower.

I've now been given the Over The Top Award by Karen at *FiCETERA* (thank you!) as well as Leslie and Amy, but I'm too depressed to do it tonight. I had planned on posting it last night of course along with celebrations for having got through Tuesday without bingeing. I also had hoped to set myself some goals, but now I feel too wobbly about it all yet again.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear that you had a bad day yesterday! Be glad for the bad weather if it helps - its easy to feel that you should employ willpower to stop yourself doing harmful things, but no-one has an inexhaustible supply of willpower all the time, so there's nothing wrong with letting the logistics help you out!
    It sounds like you've found a much healthier and happier way to eat lately, and remembering that now gives you something specific to aim for, something you know helps - doesn't it? As Roxie said in her comment to my binge post on Monday, you don't have to be perfect, just work on building bigger gaps between binges and you will make progress. And not expecting too much of yourself will reduce the guilt.
    Don't feel bad about having to set rules for yourself - everyone does that to some degree when losing weight. I spent months at work praying no-one would leave or have a birthday because then there would be a collection for them - and that would mean I'd have to bring some money into the office and use it for that purpose, while fighting the desire to spend it in the canteen or vending machine instead - and not always succeeding. Or to put it another way, I had to risk being in a position where I couldn't pay a taxi to take me home if my car broke down just so that I wouldn't spend multiple pounds on nothing but cake, chocolate and biscuits - again...
    You're certainly not the only one who doesn't want to write enother post about binging either - on Monday I nearly didn't post at all just to avoid typing those words. And the main reason I did it anyway was you and the supportive comments you've posted for me. I really think that writing that post on Monday is the reason I didn't carry on the binge yesterday and today. I hope this post helps you in the same way - and I hope its raining really hard ;-)
    Hugs to you, try to ease up on yourself!
    And well done for putting off the goal setting till you're feeling better - when you're feeling down that wold be very easy to turn into a self-bashing exercise instead of a positive one!

  2. I'm sorry you had a bad day! forgive yourself, we are all impulsive toddlers on the inside, and sometimes that toddler just needs cake. We all make mistakes, move on and make better choices tomorrow.

  3. Bad day down...good day coming.. I've been there..eating and hating what you are eating because you don't really want it all, but eating it anyway. It's a terrible thing. Keep your spirits up. Tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it..

  4. oh friend of bear, hang inthere. We all have old habits and they are hard to break. Period. Hang in there and just applaud that you see the pattern, now you can make some efforts to change it - line upon line :)

  5. I don't know what it's like to binge eat, but it must be like any other compulsion and run its course, I suppose. There will come an end to it and it seems to me that you're in the final throes of it. It's half hearted binge eating, the way I look at it. It could have been a lot worse. Well, the rain helped, but if you had been really desperate...some things are stronger than it apparently. Agoraphobia and the dislike of getting wet, bless you.

  6. Hi Good Bearfriend -

    I just read your post, and it sounds amazingly like one I wrote last night about yet another binge and realizing the difference between true empty stomach hunger versus compulsive mind hunger. Just like you, I see the physical hunger is easy to withstand. In fact it actually feels good (so rare that I feel it!), and almost noble. It also signals to me that I'm doing well on the food front. But the compulsive hunger is truly the behemoth I wrote of in my profile. It feels impossible to sit with it and the endless rant of the voice within beckoning me to eat. And as you say, it's always carbs - the simpler and sweeter the better.

    Hang in Bearfriend. It's over and you've moved on. In reflecting on it, you see where you could do things differently the next time in order to lessen your vulnerability. It's not dumb to have to "play by the rules" evidences increasing self awareness and your innate desire to succeed in this venture. You ARE extremely intelligent, and I swear that makes it harder sometimes for us!

    I wish I could hang out and have a "cuppa" with you today. We sure have a lot in common.
    Hugs to you. All my best - Leslie

  7. Friend of Bear--I just want to give you a big [[hug]]. Please don't beat yourself up over the binge. We all know what it's like. If you could just move on. It's just a hiccup. You didn't even enjoy all that chocolate. I've been thinking about aversion therapy... don't laugh. I was thinking of putting a rubber-band on my wrist, and everytime I pass that halloween candy or pastry--to just snap that rubber band. Maybe the snapping on my wrist will remind me of how crappy I feel after a binge of sweets and carbs.

    Hang in there. I was feeling like crap this morning and did not go to work. I jumped on the computer and looked at so many blog friends who are running and exercising and it motivated me and I went to the park and walked 40 minutes--even though I had a nasty headache. I know its probably gloomy where you live, but is there a "biggest loser" episode or video that will get you psyched?

    I know it's easier said than done, but we all have access to self-control. It's just like you said... we have to strengthen that muscle. We just need to use it--IT CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT, I KNOW...

    Hang in there okay. I identify with you so much. I have a tendency to even overeat the good stuff. Baby steps, okay?

    Take care

  8. Hello, Friend of the Bear!

    I think we have run in some of the same blogging circles, but somehow keep missing each other! I'm here to bring that to an end.

    The comments that I have seen you leave on several of my blogging friends' posts are always so sweet and insightful. I like to surround myself with sweet and insightful people. :)

    I appreciate the honest fear you have expressed in this post -- I think we are all weight-loss bloggers, as it were, because we have ALL had bad Tuesdays -- or whichever day of the week that it may be. However, when we slip, we get back up, dust ourselves off, and try to learn a lesson from of it.

    And we're all in this together. You can do this, and I look forward to cheering you on as you do!

    Glad to meet you,
    Jogging Auburn

  9. Bearfriend,

    I'm so sorry I missed this post. I think your description of your feelings and impulses as those of a toddler. I can relate to that analogy on many levels. One, I have a toddler so I know exactly what you are describing. And second, I've had very similiar feelings myself.

    I like your distinction between an addiction and a compulsion. Very wise, and I agree with it. I'm not sure I was addicted in the clinical sense of the word, but definietly had some compulsive tendencies when it came to sweets.

    You have the power within you to conquer your demons. I'd just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and standing in your corner.

    Stay strong Bearfriend.


  10. I am sorry for your day on Tuesday.

    Can I just let you know I truly believe you are so VERY VERY brave.

    You inspire me to be more honest with myself.

    Letta xo

  11. I feel you about the childlike stuff. I know KNOW it is from my childhood stuff with my parents. I am a "grown-up" now, but I am faced with retraining myself on patience and waiting just a little longer to get my needs met. The shrink and I explored this extensively, and I found that the struggles that I feel are "babyish" are really about stuff that I didn't learn as a child.

    How to comfort myself when I am upset... Past: binge to calm the anxiety! Presently: the full anxiety experience! Future: have anxiety on a more controllable level.

    You get it.

  12. Oh I like how Leslie said resisting the real physical hunger feels "noble"....what a perfect word...I love it.

    I FINALLY got your blog moved from my favorites list over to my blogroll, so now when I'm spending a few hours each day running down the list and commenting, I won't miss you!!! Sometimes I'm so worn out after going from A-Z that I don't make it over to the Favorites list afterwards.

    Thanks for always commenting on my blog Friend. And for the emails you've sent. I can tell I've got a great friend in you, and someone who really understands and "gets me". There's such comfort in that.

    I know you had a bad time...but I want to say that I'm proud you had 5 good days in a row beforehand. In my eyes, that's progress!! I hope you post again soon...I'll be waiting! :)


All comments gratefully appreciated!