Thursday, 24 December 2009

Cheery?! (*hic) And a story of bear fuelled insanity ...

(Apology in advance: I discuss alcohol in a flippant manner in this post. If you have issues with alcohol then please take care over the holiday and don't, on any account, do as I do.)


Imagine how frustrating it is. I wait for hours with nothing happening and then I get just 2 minutes of pleasure. No folks, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the bloody internet connection. Lack of, thereof. Obviously it is not going to be fixed before Christmas. Or even this year at the rate they're going. Still, my CPN told me about a pub that is open on Christmas day afternoon where they have wi-fi. That would give a new and different focus to the day, trying to get out to get some connection.

Usually Christmas day for me is alcohol - possibly stirred into the porridge for breakfast, Christmas pudding with rum poured over (AKA drowned in. Not worth eating otherwise), Queen's speech (need to be drunk to "appreciate" that anyway. It's usually watching from behind a cushion type of thing given the extreme cringe factor rating. I don't think I've ever managed to get through a whole one yet) , and then sitting in front of TV all day in various stages of inebriation.

This isn't as bad as it sounds (though actually it sounds quite enjoyable if you like a tipple). I'm not drinking to dull the pain - although obviously it helps in that sense too. I'm drinking because it is one of the few days in the year that I mark with drink - the others being Boxing day and New Years Eve and day. And that's it. The rest of my alcohol intake is purely medicinal (hic). Did I mention that I've been ill now for 3 whole weeks?

Given the amount of alcohol already existing in my Christmas day, would it be that different to spend it in the pub anyway? But I have to tell you that I never drink out of the house. This is because I have such a low tolerance for alcohol. One drink and I'm anybodys barely able to stand up. Which usually suits me just fine on Christmas day because the amount of time I spend standing up is minimal. However, if I'm going to go to the pub, I will, ironically enough, have to hold off the alcohol until after I get back. Just to make sure that I do get back. I will also, of course, have to tackle my agoraphobia on Christmas day ... Maybe I'll just wait it out in hope of a few moments of pleasure at home?

Given that this is Christmas Eve I'll spare you the story of my Monday Monumental Fail. But don't worry, I'll be straight back here with it after the holiday. You're not escaping that easily. In the meantime, I'll regale you with the story of the Bear's Christmas Present Meltdown.

Every night this week I have been trying to sleep against the backdrop of a grinding grating noise (OK I just had to get a bit of my own misery in there) from some roadworks in the vicinity - something to do with the cable not working? Who knows, Virgin will tell us nothing. Anyway, my brain so successfully tuned out of this noise that I didn't hear 2 text messages sent in the night from the Bear's girlfriend. The first told how he had bought her a present which turned out to be faulty and had lost the receipt. He had spent a long time searching for it to no avail and was having a panic attack, and could I please call when I woke up. My heart sank when I read this about 5 hours after it was sent. I could picture the scene so clearly. The ranting, the raving, the panic, the screaming, the crying ... she must have been pretty desperate to text for my help in the middle of the night. The Bear only uses cash, so no receipt = no refund. I found out later that this was the only present he had bought her, so if he didn't get it sorted out she would have no present at all.

Anyway, it was with trepidation that I moved on to the second message sent about an hour after the first. After hours of turning the flat upside down, he had found the receipt just outside the front door. Relief! But then she wrote "Now he has gone nuts". Pretty serious I thought, if he has completely gone in the head area. You can just imagine how that can happen after several hours of extreme stress and panic. What would be left after such exertion would be a shaking trembling wreck. I was unnerved. And then she ended the message with a cheery "The bears say hi" .... WTF???!?!?!?!? And that is the bit I can't get over. Has she lost it as well, I thought?

I should explain. "The bears" refers to the large collection of teddy bears owned by the Bear. He and I used to spend many happy hours discussing what the *bears* were thinking or saying. And still do in fact. For example, I can tell you that the bears are STILL cut up over the closure of Woolworths. They used to love nipping out while the Bear wasn't looking and getting a big bag of pic'n'mix to share amongst themselves. His girlfriend however, didn't get in on this game for a long time. Lack of imagination? Slow on the uptake? Not into such nonsense familiar with ursine thought patterns? I can't say as I don't know her that well. Anyway at some point she started joining in the bear fuelled frippery.

But then to end a text telling how the Bear has suffered a mental meltdown with a cheery missive from the bears? I mean, as though they would have been able to sit through such a drama without being terribly affected themselves. Their poor little nerves must be frazzled. Saying "hi"? They're screaming their bloody heads off woman! Poor old bears.

So I seriously doubt her sanity.

And you, dear reader, are by this stage seriously doubting the sanity of everyone at this end.

Anyway, after the Bear had taken a bucketload of various meds which produced no positive result at all, and had done plenty of crying, he and she went to Argos yesterday afternoon and got a refund. They then went round the shops where he proceeded to buy her quite a few presents which she chose and was delighted with. And by the evening everyone was happy again. Don't you just love a happy ending?

The *bears*, however, say it will be quite some time before they recover from this debacle. I'll have to nip round later and give them each a drop of whisky. Purely for medicinal purposes, you understand.



BTW Am I the only person who thought Jack's post entitled "Ways losing weight is like writing a letter to Santa" should have been called "Ways losing weight is like having sex"? Some of those lines I distinctly remember having said to the Bear. Check it out here.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

I lost it and it's all Kevin Costner's fault

Victoria Wood and Julie Walters discussing diet and exercise esp in relation to a fat woman they both know.

VW: "You have to clench your buttocks"

JW: "Well she couldn't clench her's. It'd take two strong men and a wheelbarrow!"

Ok. I just thought I'd cheer you up before yet another depressing post.

Firstly, I have no internet connection. There has been a cable problem for the last 4 days and Virgin STILL haven't fixed it. They ain't rushing. I really hope they sort it out soon. I just can't face Christmas with no connection. The first day I was so depressed. I felt cut off. I wanted to know what you were all up to! Seriously it has made me miserable. I miss you all so much. After all, who else is going to wish me better when I am ill? Only you, dear bloggers.

Then there's the cold. It's very cold here and my heating won't come on for some unknown reason. I have a fan heater but it is fanning more than it is heating. The massive air circulation is a bit draughty. I do have another little heater which was great at heating. In fact so great that its heating capabilities extended to burning up the plug and melting the socket it was plugged into.

Finally I worked out that I could go to Argos and buy a new little heater to tide me over. Except I can't cope with the Argos in town. It's in a busy shopping centre and Christmas week? I'll be waiting in there with a million other people. Then (cogs turning very slowly folks!) I worked out I could go to the out of town one. This was Sat 6pm and I thought maybe it is still open? But I couldn't check because I have no internet. So I thought fine, I'll go tomorrow. And then I managed not to do anything on Sunday. At all.

So, I was freezing, frozen to the bone cold, very lonely without my internet connection, struggling to breathe - I feel like I need someone to just put a tube down my throat and suck out all the gunk (sorry). I have a big booming cough that signals to the whole neighbourhood that I'm ill. But at least my earache is just twinges now and then.

Anyway, you know how it is when life is heaping it on you ... well I usually find that's just the very best time to start thinking about how I have completely cocked up everything this year. And why stop there? Surely there is more rubbish I can dredge up to make myself feel even worse? You betcha. Christmas on my own? Always a good one. I could go on here but I don't want to lose you to despair, dear reader.

I happened to be watching Dances With Wolves. I've never watched it before (yes, how late am I?) And just as my own shit is seriously getting on top of me, they have to go and bloody shoot the wolf. I COMPLETELY LOST IT. Bucket loads of tears followed by the inevitable suicidal thoughts.

So somehow I got myself together and went to the shop round the corner. I think you know what's coming.

I recognised that I was giving myself permission to binge because, "Who cares when I'm going to kill myself anyway?" But even though I could see this, it didn't stop me.

It wasn't the worst binge in the world. Only because I have largely been off rich food. I have no cravings for very sugary things - so no packets of Mr Kipling cakes. Or anything in bulk. This is because my digestive system has been out of whack the whole time I have been ill.

I have been unable to eat to plan because I couldn't eat my usual fish and veg. I have been eating carbs at every meal. I felt like my innards needed something to hold onto. So I've been eating only porridge and dry carbs. Because the drier something is when it goes in, the drier it'll be when ... yes, OK, you get the picture.

I have been eating pitta bread a lot. Why? I have no idea. I HATE PITTA BREAD. Here's how they make pitta - they take some sawdust and the dried out contents of a hamster cage, grind it up and mix in with a little wholemeal flour, yeast and water. They put it through a mangle to squeeze the life out of it, then bake it. Finally, just to make sure there really is no life left in the damn thing, it gets mangled yet again.

Then they seal it in plastic and the percentage of sawdust means it'll have a shelf life of about 6 months. Cos how can it go off if it's completely dried out dead already?

If I bought a sliced loaf, even if it was the biggest loaf you'd ever seen, it would be gone in 2 days. A packet of 6 pitta can easily last a week.

I am safe with pitta.

But that still doesn't explain why I have been into them recently.

The ONLY thing they have in their favour is that you have to put either salad or banana in there. Otherwise all you can taste is sawdust and hamster scrapings. Therefore, the possible combinations of filling I do are fairly healthy. And I think over the last 2 weeks I've pretty well covered them all.

Saturday night and Sunday involved Bad Eating. But blimey, I was hot! Yes, a minuscule number of those calories were successfully converted to heat. But I think most landed on my thighs. I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE ON BOARD INSULATION THANK YOU VERY MUCH.


The above was written yesterday which was a good eating day, involving ground rice porridge for breakfast, 2 meals with pitta bread and 2 snacks. Then I managed a monumental fail in an entirely different direction, but I'll save that for another post.

If you are reading this it's because I am connecting via wi-fi from a neighbouring building. If I am late commenting or responding to emails it's because I can only pick up my neighbour's wi-fi intermittently. Hopefully the cable will be sorted out very soon.

PS Sorry for the lack of Christmas spirit! 



Thursday, 17 December 2009

Still ill

Hi Folks. Thanks for all your well wishes. I really thought I was almost better a few days ago but this thing has flared up again and it's actually worse now than last week.

Over the weekend I was very done in and frustrated with still not being able to get out and get walking. But I was patient and took it easy. I walked to the supermarket and back on Saturday but stayed in Sunday. I went to see my healer on Monday and made it up the hill without a problem. I had a great day Tuesday with tons of energy and getting a load of jobs done around the house. I had far more energy that day than at any time in the last 6 months. It was weird. But that night I started with a bad sore throat and by the next morning I was full of cold. Then last night things got worse. When I got into bed I had the most severe earache I've ever had in my left ear. It radiated to the left half of my head. It was so bad I was actually frightened. Then I was aching all over. It was a bad night.

I've spent much of the last 24 hours crying. I have really had enough.

I know it's stupid to get so upset. It will go away SOMETIME. But it looks like it'll be another week. And I've already been ill for 2 weeks. It is grinding me down.

I had to cancel a meeting today with the lady who helps me get out.

I am sick and tired of feeling like SHIT!

Sorry I can't write more but I am feeling too bad.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Yuckity Yuck!

Hi Folks. Sorry for my absence from blogland the last few days. I've had a bad virus (swine flu?) since Friday and been really unwell. Started Friday afternoon with diarrhea, wild temperature fluctuations, aching all over and feeling pretty awful. Now I am exhausted and my nose is still running and lungs aching. I'm really hoping to be back to normal by the end of the week. I have missed my walking so much, missed just being out in the fresh air so much. Weird for an agoraphobic to say that huh?!

I haven't felt up to reading and commenting on blogs or answering email so you'll have to bear with me while I catch up. I've got a lot of reading to do!

Thank you to everyone who commented on the last post. I think there's a lot more to be said on that subject about how we eat and what our expectations about eating are.

In the meantime I'm just going to try and catch up with everyone!