Day 16: Thoughts on rigidity, chaos and "normal" eating

Another award! This was so kindly given to me by Amazon Runner, Diane at Fit to the Finish, and Katie J. I really feel I don't deserve it as I don't manage to post that often!

There are rules attached to this one:

Each person who receives it must link to the person who gave them the award

They must chose 5 deserving bloggers to pass it on to

They must display the award and link to this post which explains the award

They must add their name to the Mr Linky list on the above link so the originator can keep track of everyone who has received it

They must display the above rules

So many of the people who deserve this award have already been given it, so I have chosen people who to my knowledge have not received it yet. I would like to pass this award on to:

Green Stone Woman who posts at least once a day and is always a good read,

Amy at The not so secret life of a not so super together mom - who has raised many interesting food issues on her blog and written beautifully about her mental state,

Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser - I admire his determination to post every day whatever, and how does he find so much to say?!

Wendy at New Me: A Fresh Start - I might not always agree with what she says, but it's always interesting and challenging (for me) and highly relevant for anyone dealing with their relationship with food.

Jogging Auburn at Quest for a Mile - her posts are just so beautiful! She hasn't posted for a little while now so I hope she'll start again soon.

All the above are in my bloglist. And I have still not passed on my Best Blog Award! Next time ...

So, about the diet. I have completed day 16 and all is going well so far. I hit my target of walking 4 times last week and have 1 walk under my belt this week, done on Sunday (my diet week running from Sun to Sat). I had a very active day today walking and actually running part of the way to my healer (because I was late!) for 35 mins and then I walked for an hour afterwards. But I don't count it as an official walk unless it's at least 1 1/2 hours continuous walking. My eating has been spot on and despite many times over the past week when I felt very down I haven't even really wanted to "depression eat". I have had occasional bingeing thoughts but have dismissed them quickly from my mind because I know so well how "fantasy bingeing" has a tendency to turn into the real thing. The only thing I am still struggling with is getting to bed on time. It's certainly much better than it was but I have still had a couple of 2.30 bedtimes and one 3am which is obviously way off what it should be. But I'm going to continue trying on that one. I also haven't yet built up my toning exercises. I'll get there!

But overall I'm very happy that my good eating and exercise routine is nailed in place. It feels so much better waking up after a day of clean eating compared to the horror I have felt every morning for the past few months of waking up after another day bingeing. Literally horror. I have of course still felt very depressed and low during the last 2 weeks - because I'm suffering from depression aside from my eating. But I don't feel I'm in chaos anymore because my eating is not chaotic. I don't have that circling, behind the scenes terror about what I'm doing to myself with eating ridiculous amounts of food. I'm not filled with anxiety about being out of control and not knowing how I'm going to stop it. So the difference in my mental state is dramatic. I feel so much calmer.

And I am just so grateful that I'm not really struggling to stick to my healthy eating regime. It is not a battle. If it were a battle then I wouldn't be succeeding. I don't have very much willpower at my disposal as concerns my eating. I do and can force myself into doing the walking. That does require quite a bit of determination - just to get out there due to my agoraphobia, and in the cold windy wet weather. I have willpower there. But I don't believe I have that much with eating.

For me there are two states of being with eating (since I had a breakdown) which are eating in a very repetitive rigid pattern or eating totally chaotically. I seem to have moved from the latter to the former. But I don't know how.

Today I read on Leslie's blog about her desperation to pack in the bingeing that's been plaguing her weight loss efforts for some while now. She asked for suggestions on this and several people have written interesting comments in response. Vickie's suggestion was that Leslie should only eat at home or if out, only eat food she had prepared herself. So to keep complete control over her eating. I had made a similar suggestion to Leslie the day before about nailing a healthy eating pattern in place and not deviating from it except for the coming actual holiday days. What I was meaning was something very similar to what Vickie suggested ie to 100% plan her eating - what to eat and at what times, and stick with it no matter what. But I didn't push the idea because I was worried that what I was suggesting was as much disordered eating as her existing bingeing pattern.

Keeping to a very rigid repetitive structure is the only way that I myself can cope with food, and I'm very aware that this is not "normal". It is the flip side of chaotic eating - total rigidity and routine. It also has many problems associated with it - such as never being able to have any spontaneity, never being able to eat out, the tendency that if I do step out of my pattern I'm in real trouble - I can't handle it at all and may end up bingeing/ compulsive eating for months before I regain control. I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer this of course.

So how can I make such a suggestion? Shouldn't we all be aiming for sane eating? Is it wrong to aim for anything other than that? On the other hand, sanity for me can only be found in sticking to my trusted routine. That is where my safety and sanity exist. And what is normal eating anyway? I saw an obesity surgeon on TV not so long ago and when his team stopped for lunch everyone got out their tupperware boxes and tucked into their sandwiches. He pulled a can of tuna out of his pocket and that was his lunch. His mantra was "Never eat anything beige!" ie no cakes, biscuits, pastry etc. He was very thin of course, but judging by the faces of his colleagues, they all thought he was nuts. I have to say that seeing this man eating a can of tuna for lunch everyday to the derision of colleagues made me feel that my eating wasn't so weird after all. This guy was essentially saying that what we consider to be "normal eating" is the reason why 2/3 of adults in this country are overweight or obese. He was unashamedly abnormal in his eating.

So to come back to Leslie, is rigidity the key? A zero tolerance approach to eating outside of set meals she has prepared herself? I honestly can't say. It would be great to get the weight loss going again, for sure. But what about all the socialising involving food? With buffets one can just abstain, but sit down meals with friends and family? Work socials? Also, how long would it last? This is something that needs a solution for life, not for a few months.

But this is the stuff that everyone who wants to lose weight faces. Saying no when other people are gorging away right in front of you. Saying no to yourself when you want to eat chocolate cake (I'm even frightened to type that food!) Saying no to yourself when you are hungry. In other words, taking control. Generally you only get to have a serious weight problem by being out of control so the only way to rectify it is to be very much in control.

So it's all about finding a type of control over your eating that you can live with. For Sean for example it's about eating all his favourite foods whether healthy or not so healthy. He eats it as long as it's within his calorie budget. For me it is about eating the same food at the same time every day.

Of course control over your eating is only tackling one end of the problem and Lori-Ann made a great comment to Leslie's post about thinking how she would deal with life after she had lost her weight - what would her mission be then? And the anxiety that accompanied these thoughts.

Eating to plan in no way addresses issues such as how you will live your life as a thin person, fear of change in body size or any emotional issues that keep you clinging to your extra poundage. But if it means you can live less chaotically then you might just have the time and space in your mind to address the other issues rather than have your life dominated by bingeing hell.

Another Tuesday Fail

You know it all already just from the title. I messed up again due to Tuesday stress. A chocolate and cake binge. It could have been a lot worse. It could have involved donuts and sandwiches and crisps and ice cream. Only the agoraphobia stopped me going back out for more.

The mistake I made was going out AFTER I'd done my washing. I had to go out but I should have done it BEFORE I did the washing. And then I could have just vegged out afterwards. Now I know the rules. Just get bl**dy organised so I don't have to go out on Tuesday at all. And if by some unforeseen calamity it really is necessary then to go out BEFORE I do the washing.

I feel so dumb that I have to make these rules for myself; treat myself like a little child that can't be trusted. I'm an intelligent adult for god's sake. And that's the thing - that I can't trust myself. At least not at the moment.

I didn't eat because I was hungry. I ate because the horrid toddler within wanted a treat, a reward for getting the washing done. A reward for going through the stress of it.

And as with the last chocolate binge I didn't enjoy it beyond the first 100g. In fact I found it really difficult to eat it. I had to FORCE the stuff down. My body really really really didn't want that all that chocolatey sugary goo. Yet force it down I did. Which reminds me that this is a compulsion. Not an addiction. Although certain foods are addictive, I've never really thought of myself as a food addict. Because I eat even when I don't want it all physically. It's like someone compulsively drinking water. You can't be addicted to water, but you can drink it compulsively - and thus do yourself serious harm. People have died from over consumption of water. That is how I feel about food. When I'm eating more healthily, I'm just compulsively consuming large amounts of veg instead of large amounts of chocolate.

After I'd shoved down as much chocolate and cake as I could, I actually started fantasising about the veg and fish I would have had if the binge hadn't occurred. I could actually almost taste it. That's what my body really wanted.

My body has been very happy on the cereal free regime. Very happy. My blood sugar has been flat as a pancake (that would be a low carb pancake with no sugar or syrup obviously). My bowel swelling - which always happens when I binge eat or just eat wheat had gone down by the third day. Amazing! Normally it takes much longer to completely deflate. So now I can't kid myself anymore that my stomach is just that size due to the swelling and I'm left with I very clear idea of just how much fat there is - not pretty.

But the blood sugar is the amazing thing. I have felt hungry at times but that hunger manifested itself in a little tummy rumbling. It was located entirely in my tummy - where it should be. And was thus very easy to ignore. So different from the whole body experience of insulin induced hunger. So it turns out real hunger is actually the easiest to ignore. Then carb induced - which takes a hell of a lot of battling. And the hardest hunger to get round of all is psychological hunger which has nothing at all to do with the calorific needs of your body. And yet this is the most difficult. This is the one that gets me every time. I've always thought that I can handle anything my body throws at me, even the carb induced stuff, if my head is in the right place. If it isn't, then I'm sunk.

Of course I've been getting round that psychological one by the thought of not wanting to have to write up a binge again, which has worked a lot. But yesterday even that thought couldn't stop me. My head was in a different place. The toddler just wanted. And I was dumb enough to respond. To give in.

The only reason it didn't expand into the donuts and so on is that the convenience store was very busy at the time I hit it, and that sent me into a bit of a spin, and then I was standing near the front of the queue thinking of other things I wanted to put in my basket - but that would have meant rejoining a very long queue and I couldn't face it. I told myself I'd just have to come out again if I wanted more - and of course that didn't happen due to the agoraphobia.

So, another Tuesday fail. I found it incredibly difficult to sleep of course after all that sugar so I had a bad night and finally woke up today feeling terrible - very miserable about it all. A miserable failure. And thinking bingey thoughts.

It was only the weather that stopped me going out there and doing more damage today. It just rained torrentially all afternoon. I would have been utterly sodden within 3 minutes of being out and I really hate to get my feet wet!

Now the rain has calmed down and I'm thinking bingeing thoughts again. This is the thing, if the toddler gets it's own way once it thinks it can have it's way again. That's why I have to stamp on it and say No, it was just one day and can't carry on. Like the willpower muscle I read about on someone's blog (sorry can't remember who's). I can come back OK from one bad day, but it's much much harder to come back from more than that.

Having said that, I am still struggling with those thoughts at the moment and don't quite know how I'm going to stop myself. Today has been surprisingly good so far but not because of my willpower.

I've now been given the Over The Top Award by Karen at *FiCETERA* (thank you!) as well as Leslie and Amy, but I'm too depressed to do it tonight. I had planned on posting it last night of course along with celebrations for having got through Tuesday without bingeing. I also had hoped to set myself some goals, but now I feel too wobbly about it all yet again.

Slightly better, sadly no will power involved

Hi Guys. Thank you to those fellow bloggers who left messages of support after the last post. Your support means the whole world to me.

Just seen a brilliant ad on TV where a woman is getting a quote from a plumber (with a bad case of workman's bum!) and before he delivers the catastrophic news ie how much it's going to cost, an airbag inflates from her stomach to cushion her against the blow! And my only thought on watching this was that I have a built in airbag on me at the moment in the shape of my swollen stomach. There's a whole load of stuff in there about people using fat as a defence against the world ...

Anyway, as it says in the title, things are slightly better. I am eating a more moderate amount of food. But sadly this has nothing to do with will power or strength or resolve of any kind, and everything to do with me feeling really ill since Friday. On Friday morning I got up feeling very hungry - probably as a result of the sudden exertion on Thursday ie being out for a few hours - and so I ate a lot, a mountain of food for "breakfast", and felt incredibly ill afterwards for the rest of the day. And since then I have simply been unable to eat to excess again due to feeling so ill and having quite a bit of stomach pain.

I'd so like to say it was a conscious decision, that I was at last making sensible choices, better choices etc. But that is not the case. I am just being physically prevented from binge eating at the moment. It makes me think a lot of Lisa's decision (see Less of Lisa on blog list) to consider going for a gastric band.

What you eat, when you eat, how much you eat is all about habit. Once you are in a good habit it's quite easy to keep going - unless something upsets the apple cart of course (which is what always happens to me) - but if life gives me an even chance, with nothing too stressful going on I can keep it up. In fact I actually enjoy the challenge of having boxes to tick every day and getting into bed at the end of the day and being able to tick all those boxes. It gives you a sense of achievement. Even when I cry every step of a walk due to the pain of my psoriasis - and I've done plenty of that earlier this year - I can enjoy the immense satisfaction afterwards that I've actually done it.

So the problem isn't doing it, but getting into it in the first place. Getting into the habit of eating much less and moving far more - getting to that place is very difficult. Because every aspect of your being is set up to expect large amounts of food and/or calorie dense foods, both physically and psychologically. To overturn all those expectations is really hard work, igoring your body's constant demands for food, and doing exercise which (at first) as you're doing it just makes you feel really bad physically, requires an iron will. If you are not in a place of any psychological strength at the start then it can become insurmountable.

As you may have guessed, dear reader, I am not in a place of any psychological strength right now. Therefore the facility of willpower is not readily available to me.

So my body is, for once, giving me a helping hand in making me too ill to eat too much in one go.