Monday, 2 November 2009

Saw my healer!

Hi Everyone. Thank you as ever for some amazing comments in response to the last post. I felt very bad about putting that post up. I knew it would touch on difficult stuff for a lot of people, and I want to thank those who shared their pain and experience through comments and emails.

I also felt bad because I was writing from a position of anger essentially about other people's pain (manifesting as anger), which is an inappropriate response - which is what I was complaining about. So how dumb is that?

But I felt I had to say it because I'm tired of reading this stuff on some people's blogs - that they have a right to look down on someone who is depressed/ suicidal. I will not be told by those people that I am not as good as them because I'm feeling worthless .... Errrr ..... Hmmmm. Maybe I do have some self esteem hidden somewhere after all.

Anyway, today I saw my healer! I was so worried about it over the weekend. But today went much better than I expected.

I had built up my walking time last week - 45 minute walk on my own on Monday evening, walking with the Bear Tue, Wed and Thur - up to 1 1/2 hour walking. On Friday I had an appointment with my CPN and the lady who will be meeting with me once a week to help with the agoraphobia so I didn't do a walk but I walked to the appointment, to the supermarket and back.

On Saturday I really struggled to push myself out, but I did it and ended up walking for about 2 hours 20 mins. I walked through some streets, up a very big hill and then down the other side of it. Normally I would walk back on the flat from that point skirting round the edge of town - 1 1/2 hours in total. But when I got to the bottom of the hill I realised I really couldn't face going anywhere near the centre of town. There were just too many people around - many students wearing fancy dress as well as the usual Saturday night crowds. So I had no choice but to turn around and walk back up the bl**dy hill again! And these are big hills let me tell you.

All the time on Saturday I was huffing and puffing and thinking how much harder it was without the Bear to distract me and reassure me just with his presence and his chuntering. I felt very uncomfortable physically doing that walk. Like I was heaving my stomach around the place - it is huge. I really felt my heaviness. And it was a warm evening so I was sweating like anything.

By the time I got back to the bottom of said hill I was in tears and feeling dreadful.

I have lived in denial through my bad bingeing the last few months of how much weight I've actually put on. It's only when you start trying to climb out of the pit that you realise just how bad things have got. Sitting around at home not seeing anyone for the most part, allowed me not to fully face what I had done to myself.

Boy did I face it on Saturday night!

I thought of how shocked my healer would be to see me looking like this, having put on so much weight since I last saw her. I didn't know if I would be able to see her on Monday. I was looking for ways to possibly cancel it.

This morning I was very stressed, and the stress caused me to feel drowsy. I took 200mg of Modafinil and still struggled to move. Everything I did felt like I was on a go slow. But this did mean that I had no energy to specifically worry about seeing her. I was too taken up with just concentrating on getting there.

At the last moment as I was about to leave I found my flies where undone - so I searched for the zip end - and found nothing. The zip had broken. And these trousers are the only ones I have that fit right now. I had dug them, a couple of weeks ago, out of a suitcase where they had lived for several years. They are my Biggest Ever Trousers (BET). I can't tell you how depressed it made me to have to wear BET. I have occasionally, when looking for other items, run across BET in that suitcase and held them up in amazement that I ever had to wear such large trousers. So you can imagine how bad it felt that I am back in them again.

Anyway, I was in a panic. I could just have pinned them closed but of course I tried to force the zipper down and only succeeded in making the whole zip bulge out. I decided that I hated BET anyway and I would try on Next Biggest Trousers (NBT). Amazingly I could actually get into NBT but I would be on a wing and a prayer with them as they are scarily tight and the belt digs in so much that a very large chunk of me hangs over the top all the way round. But I decided I'd go for it. They looked a lot better on than BET. I thought, if they split at least my coat comes down to my knees. That should cover it.

Happily NBT are still intact!

Anyway, I made it up the hill to her house without too much trouble. And she was so happy to see me! And I was so happy to see her! (I'm in tears now).

It was so lovely. And I felt fine.

We had a hug and she took my coat and we sat down and started chatting. And I felt rather silly that I'd been so worried about seeing her and even thought about cancelling. There was nothing to worry about!

I chatted to her for about an hour about how things had been the last few months.

And then she gave me some healing.

When I was about to leave she gave me a bag with a birthday card and two presents in it. It's my birthday this week. I had told her it was my birthday and that was the main reason I hadn't cancelled, because I knew she would have got me something. And she did! (Tears again!)

I feel so lucky.

Today was a great "normalizing" experience. A wonderful reconnection. And, as a bonus, I walked for 1 1/4 hours afterwards and did OK on the food as well.

Thank you once again for your support and prayers.

PS I've been given two more awards! More on that next time.


  1. Good post, Bearfriend! You made me laugh with your description of BET and NBT. I am so glad your visit with your healer went so well. And well done with your walking. 2 hrs 20 mins (including hills!) is serious stuff. I am still only able to manage my 10 minute stagger to the village, a rest and a coffee, then 10 minute stagger home again. But I am working on it. Hugs to you and Happy Birthday!

  2. My goodness woman!!! You're exercising more than me and I feel like I'm dying every day!! SO PROUD OF YOU!! Hooray for good days, and birthdays, and visits with the healer, and a day of good eating, and lots and lots of exercise....SO VERY, VERY POSITIVE!! Doesn't all this good stuff feel FABULOUS????? Love it girl....just love it. :)

  3. I'm so pleased you were able to go for a walk because agoraphobia is absolutely terrible... Actually, I'm absolutely delighted for you! 2hrs 20 mins walking is pretty impressive!

    I'm really glad you were able to see your healer. I've been promising myself I'm going to do Reiki degrees 1 & 2 and I really MUST get around to doing them!

    Bye for now

    Patsy xx

  4. Sounds like you are doing great! So much walking, and being able to get out and interact with people as well - its brilliant! I'm so glad for you that you pushed through and went to see your healer despite feeling so unhappy about it beforehand. Such a positive experience, and the emergence of some self-esteem as well - I already said it, but you are doing great! And isn't it amazing how once things start to improve more good things happen and everything feels easier... I hope it keeps going for you!

  5. Happy birthday, Bear Friend! And keep walking!

  6. Wonderful news. So glad to hear you are getting out and about. Give yourself a big pat on the back... you're doing great. Happy Birthday bear friend. Wish I could bake you a birthday cake... (a healthy version of course).

    You are just too funny about the NBT... It's so good to hear such positiveness (is that a word?) coming from your post.

    Feliz Cumpleanos amiga de oso.

  7. Thank you for visiting my blog and thus introducing me to yours!

    If you feel good on the inside, it does not matter how you look, or what size you are on the outside. Your inner confidence will radiate and shine through whatever your size or shape.

    I feel great right now because I have just taken control and power over my Tight Immobilising Trousers (TIT's), kicked them down the stairs and put them out in the wheelie bin. They will never mock me from the wardrobe again - and now I feel much better :-)

  8. Hi Dear Bearfriend! It's great to read this post and hear you sounding on the upswing. I realize it's not all over (the upswing), but you're in a different place than you've been. The amount of exercise you're getting is phenomenal, and I believe it is likely contributing to the lightening of your mood.

    I love when you toss in a Brit. term, like about Bear's "chuntering". Never heard that before.

    I could totally identify with you wanting to cancel with the healer. It sounds like the fatigue and tiredness piece tried to masquerade for the real feeling of shame over her seeing you with possibility some extra poundage. She clearly loves and appreciates you in whatever form you are. Interesting how our instincts so often are to stay in hiding, when the best thing for us is to do just what you up anyway. Sometimes I have to tell the negative voice in my head "Thanks for sharing" and then do what I know to be right. Often I don´t do that either, sigh...

    Glad the BET didn´t fit and the NBTs did! Maybe the girth expansion of which you speak isn't as bad as you fear! It's always wonderful to read your posts, and truly joyous to hear you say, "I feel so lucky." Rock on great friend. I'll be in touch soon. And the trip so far is stellar. AND NO BINGEING!

  9. I'm so impressed with the amount of walking that you do. That has got to be the best exercise for you right now. I don't think I get that much exercise riding my bike. Going up and down that hill twice was really courageous. I am impressed! I don't think I could have done it. I would have called a taxi. I'm glad you made it to your healer and she sounds like a very kind person and not someone you should be scared of seeing, because she only has your best interest at heart. She is on your side. Go see her more often. It is good for you.

    You are one heck of a determined woman when you put your mind to it. Don't you forget it.

  10. I think in terms of excess weight, depression and the remarks people make......... I think some people over-simplify and try to make things too black and white. I've read blogs and comments like the ones you mentioned.

    Some people look down at others and make it 100 percent about choices, thinking that if you are overweight or depressed it is completely your choices that created that state.

    Clinical depression is not moodiness that someone can snap themselves out of with a cup of sweet tea and a few positive affiirmations. That is like saying someone with cancer should be able to eat broccoli and have positive thoughts and the cancer will go away-- and if it doesn't-- it is their fault.

    Hello! What is the hell is wrong with people? Where is their compassion? Anyway, I don't want to get myself started here. Just trying to give you support.

  11. Hey. Checking in to see how you are doing. I know you are around, but I haven't seen you update THIS!!

    Hope you are blessed so much. You are doing so well. Thank you for inspiring once again.

  13. Happy Belated Birthday! So glad you made it to your healer and it ended up being a great connection and a positive experience.
    You are walking so much. I wish i was doing half that much. Thanks for inspiring me to move.
    Hope all is still going well and you are on the move.

  14. I hope things will turn around for you and you get better real soon :-) Have a beary special week!


All comments gratefully appreciated!