Friday, 13 November 2009

Stormy weather

Hi Friends. Sorry for the lack of posts over the last week. The title of this post is correct in two ways - the weather in the UK is indeed stormy today with heavy rain, galeforce winds and flooding in many places. It hardly seemed to get light today and was totally dark by 4.30pm. So a bit of a non-day really. I'm just very lucky that I'm not in danger of flooding at all being on slightly higher ground. I would be living in terror otherwise. The river this week has looked quite swollen already without all this rain today. I do worry about the roof leaking though. It makes me feel quite vulnerable.

The first few years I lived here the whole roof would sway in a high wind. Then some work was done to strengthen it and it's been fine since then. The property is Georgian so about 250 years old and I often feel it's as solid as cardboard! The method of building in this part of the country at that time was just to use a load of rubble and skim some stucco over the top to make it look smooth and posh. I have seen the truth of this myself when surrounding houses have needed to have the stucco replaced and so have it all chipped off to reveal the rubble underneath. It's slightly worrying ...

The other stormy weather is in my head. As issue has come up over the last week and really slapped me round the chops. And for once it's not something to do with my weight. Which is a relief in a way. The issue is not something I can discuss on my blog which is really tough because I'd love your opinion on it. I know you would have some great ideas. As it is I have not been able to speak to anyone about it so far. I have just been driving myself almost mad in my own head. It has been hell.

I have feared that I was having another breakdown. That is how much it has shaken me up. It may even have happened. I don't know right now.

I have been very shaky in a way which is totally different to depression. I have had some very distressing thoughts and a bucketload of anxiety. All the worry and upsetting thoughts have actually made me feel physically ill. I have struggled to find a level place in my head.

Sometimes the only way to escape all of this is to move to a completely different place in my own head. Ie almost become a different person. Not that I do that deliberately. It just happens sometimes.

Today I felt lonely. I wanted to be with other people because I need that support. I still haven't been able to go healing at the library. My goal is to get there some time before Christmas.

I was due to see my healer the coming Monday but she texted to say she is unable because she's visiting her mother in Cambridge. I think I really needed to see her. It will have to be the Monday after that instead.

The aforementioned issue is tied up with The Future and how I will survive then and what I will be able to do. I know your immediate reaction to this will be to concentrate on the here and now and leave the future until I get there. But this issue means I DO need to think about it now and plan out what I'm going to do.

But what can I do? Will I be able to work ever again? In the last 3 years I have been unable even to do 1 hour a week voluntary work let alone anything else. Of course I want desperately to be able to work. I cannot have a normal life unless I can work. But the reality is that I will certainly never work full time again and even part time work will be incredibly difficult. I just get stressed so easily.

But without being able to work I have no future at all that I can see.

I am so worried about my future prospects. In a way it is a good sign that I can even think about this stuff because over the last few years I haven't been able to do that. But now I am in a crunch position over it so I have no choice. And I'm not handling it well.

Chances are I will just end up more ill.

With my weight I have almost accepted that I'm just going to be a seriously mentally ill person shuffling around town (when I'm able to get there lol) with undyed, unkempt hair, wearing glasses and looking fat, greasy and spotty. So attractive! But I don't have the mental or physical strength to do any better at the moment. And that is if I can even get into town ...

My eating is less than it was due to my blood sugar being better from all the walking I have done. I've only managed 2 walks so far this week but I did 5 long walks a week the previous two weeks. But I am still eating too much.

Often in my life when everything has seemed over whelming and out of my control I have decided "OK I can't fix all that but at least I can be thin", and then proceeded to do what was necessary in adjustment of food intake and getting some exercise to achieve that. It isn't going that way at this time. I wish it would because at least I would be achieving on some level.

I don't know how I am actually holding it together at the moment. "Only just". I have been in a battle for psychological survival the last week. I don't know what the outcome will be. I need to find a solution to the problem.

Sorry about the shabbiness of this post ...


  1. I hope the stormy weather passes soon and you get some light into your life. Try to find ways to keep yourself from dwelling on the negatives. Focus on the littlest things that make you happy and keep doing it. I'm keeping you in my prayers that you will be able to claw your way out of this and find some joy in your life. Take care of yourself.

  2. Thinking of you at this obviously testing time xx

  3. Just wanted to let you know I read your blog, every post, and I really hope you can weather this storm. My thoughts are with you.

  4. Sorry to hear you are not doing so well.

    What kind of healer will you see?

    All I can do is share with you what I have done over the last year. I changed my thinking (it's hard but can be done) to positive, I focused on the issues on how I got overweight and delt with them, and I got Reiki (healing). I have learned the biggest lesson and advice that goes for everyone and that is we have a choice. Unfortunatly some of our choices led us to things that are sticky to get out of. We can make choices though from this day forward.

    My thoughts are with you. Please hang in there!

  5. Hi Bearfriend,
    Sorry to hear that your life has become stormy again. It does seem that you are having so many problems piled on you at once, its no wonder you feel that you are struggling - but I'm glad you are fighting it, and I do feel that you can work your way to a better place.
    Its horrible when you can't talk about these problems, everything seems bigger, darker and harder when the only input you have is your own fears and pain. If there is no-one in your own life you can discuss it with have you thought about some kind of anonymous, totally confidential service - maybe the Samaritans or something - just to let yourself get it out there? I can understand that you don't feel you can put it out there on the web, there's lots of things I wouldn't either, but I hate to think of you getting ever more anxious and stressed with no outlet. I'm sorry I can't think of anything more helpful, I would like to say that if it would help you feel a little less lonely and isolated, you know my email address, drop me a line!
    Thinking of you,
    Chrissie xxx

  6. Hi Bear Friend,
    Not a shabby post at all, no need to apologize. I applaud your strength and courage to face the seemingly insurmountable. You will find an answer, and I think you will also find peace if you keep looking forward.
    We're all here for you. My thoughts and prayers go out to you as you weather this storm.
    I appreciate your steadfast dedication to those of us in blogland, me in particular. My life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride lately, and you never fail to stop by and lend words of comfort and wisdom. Thank you, it means more than words can express.
    Stay dry! I wish there was more I could do to help-and as I already said, remember that we're all here for you!

  7. I didn't realize things were so hard for you. You've had such a struggle, but you didn't let on anything. Remember I am there for you to help you if I can. You don't have to go through this on your own. Just let me know what you need help with.

  8. Hi Bearfriend,

    I'm sorry it's taken me so long to commenting on this post. I'm glad you were able to express all that you did. It has to be helpful to let our inner darkness see the light of day.

    I think for some of us, the biochemical variances within our brains really can jerk us around emotionally. This has to be a component of your struggle. In this post, though, I hear a softerness, along with an underlying sense of holding on for dear life that I know will serve you well. For whatever it is that is giving you the determination to hang on and fight for your life, I'm grateful. You have been a true friend to me (and others I'm sure), and when you are not able to summon from within a sense of your own worth and value, please read comments to your posts to recall that your own thoughts may not be accurate at all times. I know that's the case for me. I've told you before of a counselor saying to me once, "Leslie, about yourself, your judgement is impaired." That isn't a criticism; rather it's a true aspect that occurs for all of us at times along the continuum between mental health and mental illness.

    I'll be in touch, dear friend.

  9. Dear Bear Friend...

    I'm sorry that the weather has been so stormy for you of late... I too wish I had some wise words to bestow upon you as you have done for many of us here in blogland. You are always there for me in your comments. I know we all need a purpose in life. We need to keep busy and given the issues you are faced with--it must be so challenging for you. I understand you can't discuss them here on the net. But you know many of us are here for you. On-line and off.

    One of the above comments suggested seeking help annonymously. I think that might be a great idea. It's not healthy to keep things bottled up. In the interim, I agree that you should focus on the small things. Try not to go round and round in your head about those more challenging issues until you can see your healer or speak to someone who is qualified to help you deal.

    You are stronger than you think. I sense your determination and srong will. Do you have family nearby that can be there for you?

    Know that you're in my thoughts and i'm sending you good thoughts and praying that the storm inside and out subsides...

    We are here for you...

  10. I wish there was some way for me to ease your burdens. My heart is with you my friend.

  11. Good morning my friend. There's an award waiting for you at my blog!

  12. I have no idea what to say other than I have been where you are and I am HERE FOR YOU.

    - Lisa

  13. Wow what a post! Looks like you are undergoing a lot of challenges right now. Anxiety is really a difficult challenge. I don't know if you've ever listened to Joyce Meyer on TV but she is really good for that. I was so depressed when I miscarried I couldn't get off my couch. I listened to her every morning and it really helped me. It also helped me with anxiety. I read her book "Battlefield of the Mind" and oh wow it really impacted me. I liked it so much I started giving away copies of it to people I thought could use it.
    Remember that this is transitional. You may have extreme feelings, but feelings pass. Anchor yourself to what does not change such as the Word of God (the Bible). It says "God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power, of love and of a sound mind". That means that even though you feel unstable, you don't go by your feelings. You trust and stand on that promise from God. He will keep you safe in His hands :-) Psalm 91 is another one of my favorites. I hope you sleep peacefully tonight.


All comments gratefully appreciated!