Hi Friends. Sorry for the lack of posts over the last week. The title of this post is correct in two ways - the weather in the UK is indeed stormy today with heavy rain, galeforce winds and flooding in many places. It hardly seemed to get light today and was totally dark by 4.30pm. So a bit of a non-day really. I'm just very lucky that I'm not in danger of flooding at all being on slightly higher ground. I would be living in terror otherwise. The river this week has looked quite swollen already without all this rain today. I do worry about the roof leaking though. It makes me feel quite vulnerable.
The first few years I lived here the whole roof would sway in a high wind. Then some work was done to strengthen it and it's been fine since then. The property is Georgian so about 250 years old and I often feel it's as solid as cardboard! The method of building in this part of the country at that time was just to use a load of rubble and skim some stucco over the top to make it look smooth and posh. I have seen the truth of this myself when surrounding houses have needed to have the stucco replaced and so have it all chipped off to reveal the rubble underneath. It's slightly worrying ...
The other stormy weather is in my head. As issue has come up over the last week and really slapped me round the chops. And for once it's not something to do with my weight. Which is a relief in a way. The issue is not something I can discuss on my blog which is really tough because I'd love your opinion on it. I know you would have some great ideas. As it is I have not been able to speak to anyone about it so far. I have just been driving myself almost mad in my own head. It has been hell.
I have feared that I was having another breakdown. That is how much it has shaken me up. It may even have happened. I don't know right now.
I have been very shaky in a way which is totally different to depression. I have had some very distressing thoughts and a bucketload of anxiety. All the worry and upsetting thoughts have actually made me feel physically ill. I have struggled to find a level place in my head.
Sometimes the only way to escape all of this is to move to a completely different place in my own head. Ie almost become a different person. Not that I do that deliberately. It just happens sometimes.
Today I felt lonely. I wanted to be with other people because I need that support. I still haven't been able to go healing at the library. My goal is to get there some time before Christmas.
I was due to see my healer the coming Monday but she texted to say she is unable because she's visiting her mother in Cambridge. I think I really needed to see her. It will have to be the Monday after that instead.
The aforementioned issue is tied up with The Future and how I will survive then and what I will be able to do. I know your immediate reaction to this will be to concentrate on the here and now and leave the future until I get there. But this issue means I DO need to think about it now and plan out what I'm going to do.
But what can I do? Will I be able to work ever again? In the last 3 years I have been unable even to do 1 hour a week voluntary work let alone anything else. Of course I want desperately to be able to work. I cannot have a normal life unless I can work. But the reality is that I will certainly never work full time again and even part time work will be incredibly difficult. I just get stressed so easily.
But without being able to work I have no future at all that I can see.
I am so worried about my future prospects. In a way it is a good sign that I can even think about this stuff because over the last few years I haven't been able to do that. But now I am in a crunch position over it so I have no choice. And I'm not handling it well.
Chances are I will just end up more ill.
With my weight I have almost accepted that I'm just going to be a seriously mentally ill person shuffling around town (when I'm able to get there lol) with undyed, unkempt hair, wearing glasses and looking fat, greasy and spotty. So attractive! But I don't have the mental or physical strength to do any better at the moment. And that is if I can even get into town ...
My eating is less than it was due to my blood sugar being better from all the walking I have done. I've only managed 2 walks so far this week but I did 5 long walks a week the previous two weeks. But I am still eating too much.
Often in my life when everything has seemed over whelming and out of my control I have decided "OK I can't fix all that but at least I can be thin", and then proceeded to do what was necessary in adjustment of food intake and getting some exercise to achieve that. It isn't going that way at this time. I wish it would because at least I would be achieving on some level.
I don't know how I am actually holding it together at the moment. "Only just". I have been in a battle for psychological survival the last week. I don't know what the outcome will be. I need to find a solution to the problem.
Sorry about the shabbiness of this post ...
July 18th, 2018 Intention and Expectation
4 hours ago