Thursday, 24 December 2009

Cheery?! (*hic) And a story of bear fuelled insanity ...

(Apology in advance: I discuss alcohol in a flippant manner in this post. If you have issues with alcohol then please take care over the holiday and don't, on any account, do as I do.)


Imagine how frustrating it is. I wait for hours with nothing happening and then I get just 2 minutes of pleasure. No folks, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the bloody internet connection. Lack of, thereof. Obviously it is not going to be fixed before Christmas. Or even this year at the rate they're going. Still, my CPN told me about a pub that is open on Christmas day afternoon where they have wi-fi. That would give a new and different focus to the day, trying to get out to get some connection.

Usually Christmas day for me is alcohol - possibly stirred into the porridge for breakfast, Christmas pudding with rum poured over (AKA drowned in. Not worth eating otherwise), Queen's speech (need to be drunk to "appreciate" that anyway. It's usually watching from behind a cushion type of thing given the extreme cringe factor rating. I don't think I've ever managed to get through a whole one yet) , and then sitting in front of TV all day in various stages of inebriation.

This isn't as bad as it sounds (though actually it sounds quite enjoyable if you like a tipple). I'm not drinking to dull the pain - although obviously it helps in that sense too. I'm drinking because it is one of the few days in the year that I mark with drink - the others being Boxing day and New Years Eve and day. And that's it. The rest of my alcohol intake is purely medicinal (hic). Did I mention that I've been ill now for 3 whole weeks?

Given the amount of alcohol already existing in my Christmas day, would it be that different to spend it in the pub anyway? But I have to tell you that I never drink out of the house. This is because I have such a low tolerance for alcohol. One drink and I'm anybodys barely able to stand up. Which usually suits me just fine on Christmas day because the amount of time I spend standing up is minimal. However, if I'm going to go to the pub, I will, ironically enough, have to hold off the alcohol until after I get back. Just to make sure that I do get back. I will also, of course, have to tackle my agoraphobia on Christmas day ... Maybe I'll just wait it out in hope of a few moments of pleasure at home?

Given that this is Christmas Eve I'll spare you the story of my Monday Monumental Fail. But don't worry, I'll be straight back here with it after the holiday. You're not escaping that easily. In the meantime, I'll regale you with the story of the Bear's Christmas Present Meltdown.

Every night this week I have been trying to sleep against the backdrop of a grinding grating noise (OK I just had to get a bit of my own misery in there) from some roadworks in the vicinity - something to do with the cable not working? Who knows, Virgin will tell us nothing. Anyway, my brain so successfully tuned out of this noise that I didn't hear 2 text messages sent in the night from the Bear's girlfriend. The first told how he had bought her a present which turned out to be faulty and had lost the receipt. He had spent a long time searching for it to no avail and was having a panic attack, and could I please call when I woke up. My heart sank when I read this about 5 hours after it was sent. I could picture the scene so clearly. The ranting, the raving, the panic, the screaming, the crying ... she must have been pretty desperate to text for my help in the middle of the night. The Bear only uses cash, so no receipt = no refund. I found out later that this was the only present he had bought her, so if he didn't get it sorted out she would have no present at all.

Anyway, it was with trepidation that I moved on to the second message sent about an hour after the first. After hours of turning the flat upside down, he had found the receipt just outside the front door. Relief! But then she wrote "Now he has gone nuts". Pretty serious I thought, if he has completely gone in the head area. You can just imagine how that can happen after several hours of extreme stress and panic. What would be left after such exertion would be a shaking trembling wreck. I was unnerved. And then she ended the message with a cheery "The bears say hi" .... WTF???!?!?!?!? And that is the bit I can't get over. Has she lost it as well, I thought?

I should explain. "The bears" refers to the large collection of teddy bears owned by the Bear. He and I used to spend many happy hours discussing what the *bears* were thinking or saying. And still do in fact. For example, I can tell you that the bears are STILL cut up over the closure of Woolworths. They used to love nipping out while the Bear wasn't looking and getting a big bag of pic'n'mix to share amongst themselves. His girlfriend however, didn't get in on this game for a long time. Lack of imagination? Slow on the uptake? Not into such nonsense familiar with ursine thought patterns? I can't say as I don't know her that well. Anyway at some point she started joining in the bear fuelled frippery.

But then to end a text telling how the Bear has suffered a mental meltdown with a cheery missive from the bears? I mean, as though they would have been able to sit through such a drama without being terribly affected themselves. Their poor little nerves must be frazzled. Saying "hi"? They're screaming their bloody heads off woman! Poor old bears.

So I seriously doubt her sanity.

And you, dear reader, are by this stage seriously doubting the sanity of everyone at this end.

Anyway, after the Bear had taken a bucketload of various meds which produced no positive result at all, and had done plenty of crying, he and she went to Argos yesterday afternoon and got a refund. They then went round the shops where he proceeded to buy her quite a few presents which she chose and was delighted with. And by the evening everyone was happy again. Don't you just love a happy ending?

The *bears*, however, say it will be quite some time before they recover from this debacle. I'll have to nip round later and give them each a drop of whisky. Purely for medicinal purposes, you understand.



BTW Am I the only person who thought Jack's post entitled "Ways losing weight is like writing a letter to Santa" should have been called "Ways losing weight is like having sex"? Some of those lines I distinctly remember having said to the Bear. Check it out here.


  1. Virgin suck, I can't you still don't have internet! Good luck on getting it sorted before 2010...
    It sounds like you're having a pretty dramatic time at the moment. I enjoyed reading about the antics of the bears (I have a stuffed moose and a grey rabbit which have been known to get physically aggressive towards M if he's winding me up ;-))
    Personally I never watch the Queen's speech, there'e ALWAYS something better on - even static ;-)
    Have a great Christmas!!! You sound more cheerful today, I'm pleased to see it!
    Christmas hug to you

  2. And I imagine those poor shattered wee bears will be needing that medicinal nip. Very droll. My only alcohol issues are when I don't get enough of it. Gott run, long drive ahead of me in an hour. Happy Christmas to you, dear friend. (It's 7 am on a lovely sunny Christmas Day here in NZ)

  3. I loved the bear tale. Wow, what a soap opera. It totally could have been filmed and then put on YouTube!

    Take care of yourself Bearfriend. Not too much alcohol now!

    Merry Christmas to you and I hope you get your internet back soon! What a colossal pain!

  4. My son's girlfriend is cooking up a huge Christmas eve feast tonight and we are invited. So I don't have to cook or do dishes and I fully intend to DRINK and eat CARBS--- and I am not going to be apologetic about it

  5. Merry Christmas.

    And if I remember correctly he did a weight loss like having sex version....hmmm...I'll have to go back and check it out.

  6. You are full of silliness today, or should I say, full of alcohol? That was one heck of a wild rambling post. The Bear does get all wound up about nothing at all, doesn't he? And why in the world do they call you in the middle of the night? Are these grown ups? Such drama! I hope you get your connection back soon. It must be very frustrating to have to do without. Don't drink too much and become a falling down drunk. It won't become you. Have fun listening to the Queen.

  7. Loved the Bear drama! Sounds a bit like my house at times, minus the bears though.
    I hope you are having a wonderful Christmas, and that you get internet back soon! What a pain. We never think about how much we count on it (in other words take it for granted...)until it's gone. Like a lot of things in life.
    Have a drink for me, but not too many! Like you I have a low tolerance as I almost never drink. It is fun to do once in a while though.

  8. You are indeed being silly today but I so enjoyed it... poor litle bears. You're definitely going to need to check on the little fellows.

    I forogt how Jack is so funny. I need to visit his blog more often. Thanks for your well wishes. I'm glad to hear you got out of the house and out to the pub.

  9. Cheers! Quite a melodrama playing out across the pond there. Be safe.

  10. Hope all is well now and you're not suffering the after-effects of the alcohol too much! I've bear-ly indulged myself this year! *groan*

    Patsy x

  11. Mental meltdowns I understand too well. I wish I didn't.

  12. take two asprin and call me in the morning ;-) Thanks for all your comments on my blog. I told your blog that i was following it weeks ago and never noticed that your posts weren't coming up!! Today I finally realized that for some reason it never connected. Anyway, now i'm following you. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

  13. Love your sense of humor. LOVE IT! I really enjoyed reading. You're such a good friend. Thank you for all of your kind support as well.

    My best always BearFriend,

  14. hello nice sense of humor if you dont mind can i ask why do you drink ,if you like then please answer, thank you very much for nice words on my post,take great great care have a harmless life god bless you

  15. Hi Friend of the Bear!! There is a blog award awaiting you on my blog.

  16. hello dear i hope you are doing great and your internet is back ,thanks for such beautiful and kind words on my blog ,have a lovely life take great care of yourself god bless you .i was reading your previous post i think still ill and could not stop myself from leaving comment i hope you are quite fine now

  17. wish you a Happy New Year too, thanks for the sweet comments

  18. Just stopping by to check in on your and wish you a very special Happy New Year bear friend.... Let's say good-bye to 2009....

    I hope your Internet is back so you can read this message.

    Feliz Ano Nuevo amiga mia

  19. Popping in to wish you a Happy New Year, Bearfriend. I hope you've got your Internet back again. XX Judith

  20. hello dear i hope n pray that you are doing great have a lovely life take great care

  21. Hello, my friend,
    Your Christmas sounded full of excitement, none caused by you! Bear's breakdown sounded like something his girlfriend should have put up with, along with the lost receipt. Your too kind.
    I hope you had a very Happy New Year! Wishing you a wonderful 2010. Take care of yourself and hope to read a post soon. Miss you.

  22. hello i hope n pray that you are completely fine and enjoying the new year god may keep you in his blessings take care

  23. Just popping in to check on you. Hope you are doing okay. *Hugs*

  24. Just popping in to say "Hello"... Hope all is well with you.

    Take care

    Patsy xx

  25. Wassup Bearfriend? We miss you! Hope all is well.

    Hugs - Leslie

  26. hello i hope n pray that you are in my god's blessings missing you have a healthy and harmless life take great care

  27. Happy 2010 Bear Friend :) Hope you have recovered from your potentially epic festive period hangover! Carly x

  28. I'm guessing you still don't have your internet back. Bummer!

  29. Just dropping by to say hola and I'm assuming as the others that you still do not have internet. I hope you are doing well. Miss you in blogland.

    How are the bears?

  30. I'm with Diane - you should have put that on you tube!!! you could have had some major hits! I hope your new year has been great - missed ya, but happy to be back in the blog-world.....being without the internet is strangly issolating - will look forward to when you get back :)

  31. hello i hope n pray that you are perfectly all right and enjoying new year with health and joy missing you have a harmless life

  32. Just checking in bear friend. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.


All comments gratefully appreciated!