Tuesday, 22 December 2009

I lost it and it's all Kevin Costner's fault

Victoria Wood and Julie Walters discussing diet and exercise esp in relation to a fat woman they both know.

VW: "You have to clench your buttocks"

JW: "Well she couldn't clench her's. It'd take two strong men and a wheelbarrow!"

Ok. I just thought I'd cheer you up before yet another depressing post.

Firstly, I have no internet connection. There has been a cable problem for the last 4 days and Virgin STILL haven't fixed it. They ain't rushing. I really hope they sort it out soon. I just can't face Christmas with no connection. The first day I was so depressed. I felt cut off. I wanted to know what you were all up to! Seriously it has made me miserable. I miss you all so much. After all, who else is going to wish me better when I am ill? Only you, dear bloggers.

Then there's the cold. It's very cold here and my heating won't come on for some unknown reason. I have a fan heater but it is fanning more than it is heating. The massive air circulation is a bit draughty. I do have another little heater which was great at heating. In fact so great that its heating capabilities extended to burning up the plug and melting the socket it was plugged into.

Finally I worked out that I could go to Argos and buy a new little heater to tide me over. Except I can't cope with the Argos in town. It's in a busy shopping centre and Christmas week? I'll be waiting in there with a million other people. Then (cogs turning very slowly folks!) I worked out I could go to the out of town one. This was Sat 6pm and I thought maybe it is still open? But I couldn't check because I have no internet. So I thought fine, I'll go tomorrow. And then I managed not to do anything on Sunday. At all.

So, I was freezing, frozen to the bone cold, very lonely without my internet connection, struggling to breathe - I feel like I need someone to just put a tube down my throat and suck out all the gunk (sorry). I have a big booming cough that signals to the whole neighbourhood that I'm ill. But at least my earache is just twinges now and then.

Anyway, you know how it is when life is heaping it on you ... well I usually find that's just the very best time to start thinking about how I have completely cocked up everything this year. And why stop there? Surely there is more rubbish I can dredge up to make myself feel even worse? You betcha. Christmas on my own? Always a good one. I could go on here but I don't want to lose you to despair, dear reader.

I happened to be watching Dances With Wolves. I've never watched it before (yes, how late am I?) And just as my own shit is seriously getting on top of me, they have to go and bloody shoot the wolf. I COMPLETELY LOST IT. Bucket loads of tears followed by the inevitable suicidal thoughts.

So somehow I got myself together and went to the shop round the corner. I think you know what's coming.

I recognised that I was giving myself permission to binge because, "Who cares when I'm going to kill myself anyway?" But even though I could see this, it didn't stop me.

It wasn't the worst binge in the world. Only because I have largely been off rich food. I have no cravings for very sugary things - so no packets of Mr Kipling cakes. Or anything in bulk. This is because my digestive system has been out of whack the whole time I have been ill.

I have been unable to eat to plan because I couldn't eat my usual fish and veg. I have been eating carbs at every meal. I felt like my innards needed something to hold onto. So I've been eating only porridge and dry carbs. Because the drier something is when it goes in, the drier it'll be when ... yes, OK, you get the picture.

I have been eating pitta bread a lot. Why? I have no idea. I HATE PITTA BREAD. Here's how they make pitta - they take some sawdust and the dried out contents of a hamster cage, grind it up and mix in with a little wholemeal flour, yeast and water. They put it through a mangle to squeeze the life out of it, then bake it. Finally, just to make sure there really is no life left in the damn thing, it gets mangled yet again.

Then they seal it in plastic and the percentage of sawdust means it'll have a shelf life of about 6 months. Cos how can it go off if it's completely dried out dead already?

If I bought a sliced loaf, even if it was the biggest loaf you'd ever seen, it would be gone in 2 days. A packet of 6 pitta can easily last a week.

I am safe with pitta.

But that still doesn't explain why I have been into them recently.

The ONLY thing they have in their favour is that you have to put either salad or banana in there. Otherwise all you can taste is sawdust and hamster scrapings. Therefore, the possible combinations of filling I do are fairly healthy. And I think over the last 2 weeks I've pretty well covered them all.

Saturday night and Sunday involved Bad Eating. But blimey, I was hot! Yes, a minuscule number of those calories were successfully converted to heat. But I think most landed on my thighs. I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE ON BOARD INSULATION THANK YOU VERY MUCH.


The above was written yesterday which was a good eating day, involving ground rice porridge for breakfast, 2 meals with pitta bread and 2 snacks. Then I managed a monumental fail in an entirely different direction, but I'll save that for another post.

If you are reading this it's because I am connecting via wi-fi from a neighbouring building. If I am late commenting or responding to emails it's because I can only pick up my neighbour's wi-fi intermittently. Hopefully the cable will be sorted out very soon.

PS Sorry for the lack of Christmas spirit! 




  1. umm... wow. you need to try a different brand of Pita! I love my pockets, so do my kids. As a matter of fact, I have to make them OFF LIMITS and have them eat sliced breads else they're GONE.

    Here's hoping things get better for you. No dramas for the rest of the Christmas Season... get youself some light romantic comedies!

    I also cry when the wolf gets shot, and I thought my daughters were going to blow a blood vessel in their brains they were so darn upset.

  2. Awww... Everyone is having such a shitty time it seems... I'm so sorry you're going through it too... :o(

    Hope you get your heating and internet connection sorted very soon... When I first started blogging I lost my telephone (and along with it) internet connection for about 2 weeks and my telephone/ISP just didn't want to know... I explained I had a young baby, etc., and it took the best part of 2 weeks to get them to fix the problem - and we were charged for the privilege! :o(

    With regard to Dances With Wolves... I won't watch it for that very reason... Whatever you do, don't watch I Am Legend - I was inconsolable during - and after - that... :o(

    Hope you're ok and feel a little better very soon...

    Patsy xxx

  3. I recommend watching some light hearted comedy movies.

    I hope you feel better soon and it warms enough to warm your heart and give you hope to get through this rough time.

    I'll be keeping you in my prayers and wishing you better days.

  4. You just now saw Dancing With Wolves? Where you been? And doesn't the wolf just get nicked at the end?

  5. See, that's why I have steadfastly held out about watching DWW, despite the charms of Mr Costner in his prime. And Patsy above, thanks for the warning about I Am Legend. Now I know not to watch that too. I feel for you about your internet connection - I know how that feels! When I felt like I had lost part of my brain.

    Ah, Wood & Walters! They were great, weren't they! I endorse the suggestion re watching something light and cheerful. I recomment Groundhog Day. Lost in Austen has just been repeated on tv here and I watched it last night and it left me feeling absurdly cheerful, I don't know why because it wasn't really all that good.

    Anyway this comment is getting too long so here's wishing you a rapid reconnection and better days!

    Love from Judith

  6. Dang typing too fast and not proofreading. I meant to say "when I lost my computer I felt like I had lost part of my brain."

  7. Oh, my. I have much the opinion of couscous that you have of pita bread, I certainly hope you feel better. Think comedy? Some lighter fare? Be good to you, at any rate...


  8. I don't think I'll ever eat pita bread after reading your post. I think I now will associate pita bread = hamster shavings. Yuk!!! Sorry you're cold and have no internet connection. What a crappy combination. I could deal with one or the other but not both.

    Please, do not watch anymore sad movies. Romantic comedies. yes, a very good idea.

    Do you have a snuggie?

  9. My dear friend, do you have ANY family? Any neighbors or friends you can cal when you are feeling that way? I worry about you. Why do your thoughts go stright to off-ing yourself? Why is the name of your blog (which is about you) named after an ex-boyfriend? Being the FRIEND of the Bear does not define you. Those who are lucky enough to be YOUR friend are the ones who should be blogging about that. :) Who are you? What defines you? What are your goals and dreams? What happens if you are never witht he bear again, then who are you? Where will you find meaning? What is one SAMLL thing you can do in one day to reach out to meet people? A support group for depression, find a hobby that has meetings, what is something you can do each day to help define yourself?

    - Lisa

  10. I also love pita bread, the WW version, but it can be a binge food for me. Not because I crave hamster shavings, but because I squeeze open the pocket, smear in natural crunchy p'nut butter, and then drizzle in some honey. Utterly decadent. So I only have pita out when it's filled with safer things like veggies and sprouts! I lol at your descriptions. When you're in a funky place, Bearfriend, you have a very droll sense of humor which I love!

    You know I can relate to approaching the deepend with food when things aren't goin' my way! It doesn't sound like you're totally over the edge, which is good. I'm still afraid to weigh, but a new pair of jeans I bought for my smaller incarnation (translate: waist, hips, thighs) are snugger than they were. But that's just out of the dryer. I can rationalize anything, so if you need a good excuse for something, dial me up.

    I would be a lunatic without internet access. It would have been bad before blogging, but now I'd feel like a big part of my day to day existence had been lopped off. I hope they fix the problem soon.

    I've never seen DWW, and now won't given I know a key piece of the story. Kevin Costner annoys me, for some reason. I'll tell you another pretty disturbing movie to me was "Seven Pounds", with Will Smith. It was well done, but pretty dark. Get something like "Julie And Julia" (though filled with beautiful portrayals of incredibly delicious looking food), light and pleasant.

    I hope you continue to recover from the nasty virus that's set up shop in your body for far too long. It's time for this affliction to hit the road. As I say to my dog, "HEAL"!

  11. xoxox I just wanted you to know I am thinking about you.


All comments gratefully appreciated!