The last time I saw my CPN I said something which made her look at me like I'm really weird. I told her that I'd discovered I'm not naturally fat. She was at a loss as to how to respond to this earth shattering piece of information, and we were out of time so it was just left hanging there in the air without any further explanation.
What I meant was that I have thought all my life up to this point that I was "naturally fat". That whatever I ate and whatever my size I was always destined to feel fat and look fat and be fat. This is because all through my childhood my cruel grandmother told me I was fat, too fat, naturally fat, shouldn't be eating the food that she had just given me, only a small portion for you, it's very naughty to be eating this - as she put my food in front of me, you'll always have to be careful, you'll always have to watch what you eat etc etc etc. All this stress at every meal I ate with her and I wasn't even an overweight child. I was never overweight until after I had suffered from anorexia and bulima as a teenager (no surprise as to why I became eating disordered). Weight wasn't the only stick she chose to beat me with - it wasn't just metaphorical beatings either. She picked on me in every possible way she could think of. That's how she got her kicks. By destroying everyone close to her.
I have gone through life always believing I was fat, even at those times when I was, in reality, quite thin. I have lived under the tyranny of fatness all my life.
So it is a revelation recently to realise that I've had to eat quite a lot to get as big as I am now. It is NOT "natural fatness". And to realise this is to see that thinness is possible for me. And I don't just mean actually being a smaller size. I mean feeling that I'm thin when I am a smaller size.
When I was thinner I wore a mac down to my knees so strangers in the street wouldn't see my "fat" thighs, shirts which covered over my bum so no one would be looking at it thinking how "big" it was. I chose clothes very carefully being supersensitive about showing any area that I thought didn't look so good.
When I was thin I suffered severe stress over imagining that people thought I was fat. I have never lived without this stress. But I'm determined that if I ever manage to get thin again I WILL enjoy it. I will believe in it.
July 18th, 2018 Intention and Expectation
4 hours ago