Wednesday, 16 September 2009

I'm not naturally fat

The last time I saw my CPN I said something which made her look at me like I'm really weird. I told her that I'd discovered I'm not naturally fat. She was at a loss as to how to respond to this earth shattering piece of information, and we were out of time so it was just left hanging there in the air without any further explanation.

What I meant was that I have thought all my life up to this point that I was "naturally fat". That whatever I ate and whatever my size I was always destined to feel fat and look fat and be fat. This is because all through my childhood my cruel grandmother told me I was fat, too fat, naturally fat, shouldn't be eating the food that she had just given me, only a small portion for you, it's very naughty to be eating this - as she put my food in front of me, you'll always have to be careful, you'll always have to watch what you eat etc etc etc. All this stress at every meal I ate with her and I wasn't even an overweight child. I was never overweight until after I had suffered from anorexia and bulima as a teenager (no surprise as to why I became eating disordered). Weight wasn't the only stick she chose to beat me with - it wasn't just metaphorical beatings either. She picked on me in every possible way she could think of. That's how she got her kicks. By destroying everyone close to her.

I have gone through life always believing I was fat, even at those times when I was, in reality, quite thin. I have lived under the tyranny of fatness all my life.

So it is a revelation recently to realise that I've had to eat quite a lot to get as big as I am now. It is NOT "natural fatness". And to realise this is to see that thinness is possible for me. And I don't just mean actually being a smaller size. I mean feeling that I'm thin when I am a smaller size.

When I was thinner I wore a mac down to my knees so strangers in the street wouldn't see my "fat" thighs, shirts which covered over my bum so no one would be looking at it thinking how "big" it was. I chose clothes very carefully being supersensitive about showing any area that I thought didn't look so good.

When I was thin I suffered severe stress over imagining that people thought I was fat. I have never lived without this stress. But I'm determined that if I ever manage to get thin again I WILL enjoy it. I will believe in it.


  1. That's a good way of putting it, "natural fatness." I like that concept. That's very perceptive of you!

  2. I can really relate to this... just in case you care to read about my own struggles with my parents/coaches...

    Anyway. I was never a tiny person, and grew early- I know that I am not "FAT" at my body's comfortable weight, and that it was just a fucked up way my parents and coaches expressed their desire for me to be the Olympic athlete they thought I should be- I would love to feel my body at 180 at 5ft9in!! They wanted me to drop below 135 from the 150ish I hung out at during my competitive days... no good. I hope to feel that way again, and use my body for better things then!

  3. You're so right - no-one is naturally fat! I really don't understand what motivates people who go out of their way to destroy the self-confidence and body-image of those around them - especially children, who are naturally inclined to respect and believe in the opinions of their authority figures. Well done you for seeing through the abuse and putting it into context! I hope that this realisation helps you in the fight against the overeating. I have also spent most of my life believing I was fated to be fat for ever, and as far as I remember the only person telling me so was myself, not sure why... I'm still working on that, whenever I have an uncontrolled day of eating that is my first thought, but it does get better - with a bit of practice! And you will enjoy being slim so much more next time round - with the greater understanding of yourself and the healthier self-image you are building along with the thinner, healthier body!

  4. Great post! I love the phrase "the tyranny of fatness". So true. I also had an evil (step) grandmother who I didn't see that often, but when I did she never failed to take a shot at my weight, and usually by whispering in my ear. "You've gained weight, dear...". Bitch!

    These were some excellent insights you wrote about. I have also had a sense of fat destiny, even when I was thin (very long ago). And you're has taken a lot of major overindulging to get to my highest weight. Now it seems to take nothing short of an act of God to dynamite it off. You sound good.

  5. I've been seeing your comments everywhere, and had stopped in once before, but did not comment. So glad I stopped in again.

    Great post! So many things to really think about here. "living under the tyranny of fat" and "not naturally fat". Some really great thoughts here!

    I have never been thin, but still am now realizing that I didn't fully appreciate my "thinner moments" even after having worked so hard to get there. I plan to really appreciate it this time and currently try to appreicate myself more. No matter where I am at "thinness wise".

  6. I really, really like this post. Good luck. It's not even a question that you'll do it.

  7. I'm so sorry that you had a relative in your life that treated you like that. No one deserves that.

    It's wonderful that you realize that the fat message she gave you was false, and that you are not destined to struggle with your weight for the rest of your life.

    You can do this. Think of yourself as "released from the tyranny of fatness!" (I love that phrase a lot)

  8. I also believed I was fat when I was young when I wasn't in the least, but it was all because of my mother planting this seed in me. I was a perfectly normally shaped child who grew up with a hangup about her bdy that was totally unnecessary. Luckily, I outgrew it when I was in my twenties and realized I was good looking and away from my mother's influence. Evil deeds are done to children that really mess them up. We must fight every damning thought that has been put there.

  9. I can relate - I hope you don't mind my peeking, but I too lived with SOOO much of waht you just discussed right down the eating disorder and subsequent weight gain. I think because of this, I am careful what I say to my own children. I give them loads of healthy options, but there are no 'bad' foods in our house, and no one 'watches' their weight. We focus only on the possitive, and if we've had too much sugar, I mention we shoud get a balance with some protein.... of course I still stress over my own stuff...I hope my kids don't see that

  10. You are really wise! You are a amazing person.
    Keep up the hard work.


All comments gratefully appreciated!