Sunday, 13 September 2009

Is it rude to tell a complete stranger to Google Sean Anderson?

Hi Guys. I was in my local store a couple of evenings ago and saw a guy looking around the shop with a sort of wild look on his face. He looked at me with this weird expression for a few moments and at first I was worried he was looking at me in particular because I'm such a mess - unwashed hair with massive roots showing, glasses on, - haven't worn my contact lenses since this bingeing episode started weeks and weeks ago - and pudgey face. Then he looked away and I was grateful and got on with making my selections. It was only afterwards I realised this guy was looking round quite wildly because he was frightened. And I realised that I often do what he was doing when I go anywhere where there are other human beings; looking to see if anyone is looking at how bad I look.

I've never seen him before, but he looked like a well to do 40 something businessman with a smart shirt and trousers on. So the reason for his fear? He was only a whisker away from bursting the seams on everything he was wearing. I've never seen a man wearing such tight clothes ever before. He was only getting the trousers done up with a very tight belt round the waist which created a large dent in his rotund figure. He was obviously very embarrassed about his size. He must have put on quite a bit of weight fairly recently and not yet upsized his clothes. I really felt for the guy - my trousers are particularly tight over the butt right now and I am in very tight belt territory myself. And afterwards I did think, would it be rude to tell a total stranger to Google Sean Anderson?

What can I tell you? I have been bingeing on chocolate, crisps, sandwiches and a few muffins since Friday night. Yesterday I felt OK during the day, let off the hook, freedom to eat what I want. I felt good. But today, of course, I feel not so good.

I managed to wash my hair - which I hate doing because it's half an hour bent over the sink with my hands above my head. But I got through it quite easily yesterday. I still have to dye it. That job takes over 2 hours altogether. I need to get it done tomorrow - I don't feel up to it today. I need to have clean hair but also a slight layer of grease on my scalp to protect my skin from all the chemicals. Otherwise all the skin flakes off my scalp. I use a herbalish dye - Herbatint - which has less chemicals than most dyes and is safe for use in pregnancy and chemotherapy - but I still end up with a swollen face afterwards. It's much less worse than the usual chemical dyes though - with those I always have nasty spots on my face afterwards as well as the swelling, and feel that it takes 48 hours for all the poison to be processed out of my system.

The downside with Herbatint is that it takes a long time to "take". At least 45 minutes. Because I have long hair it takes 15 minutes to put it on, then the 45 min wait, then rinsing it out, then washing with the special neutralising shampoo (essential otherwise the hair has a funny texture afterwards), then conditioning (again essential) and final rinsing. So that's a whole hour of rinsing, washing, rinsing, conditioning, rinsing. A whole hour of being bent over with my hands over my head. Horrible. But necessary. What we do for "beauty" eh? Ha ha!

I have often thought about having my hair cut short so I could wash it so much easier, but I've never done it. Big hair is great for "hiding" behind, and for balancing out a big body.

I've found a local OA group which meets on Thursday evenings. I'm going to ring the co-ordinator tomorrow. As long as she expects me to turn up then I will feel duty bound to do so. It's always easier for me to get out when I'm meeting someone.
They also hold art classes at the same venue so I'm going to get the info on those too. The Autumn term should be starting soon.

I feel quite positive about the prospect of doing these new things. But tomorrow when I try to put my trousers on it'll be a different story ...


  1. I hope you'll be able to sustain the positiveness until tomorrow.
    hang in there.

    lol @ googling Sean Anderson. I'm not sure how the guy would've responded but I'm positive Sean would've been there to help.

  2. awwww.... you should post some pics would love to see your hair!
    I know all about hair issues I am a african american living in Ireland!!! Any chance of a hairdresser? Heck no!
    I am not sure the reaction you would have got if you told him about Sean. I dont think I would be that brave.
    I would love to go to OA I think there is one here but since I dont drive and have two toddlers on my own I dont see myself getting to it.

  3. hey my e-mail is
    I am useless at setting up my blog!

  4. Hooray for calling OA!!! Fantastic first proud of you for doing so!!! I've wanted to tell people to google Sean, too, but scared I'll get punched in the face or something, lol. However, if anyone ASKS me about losing weight...well that's a whole other story! :)

  5. You my friend are awesome. I sincerely appreciate the high regard you've given me. (not sure if I'm deserving!) I've never been good at taking compliments, you know? I've not liked myself for too long---It's hard to imagine that anyone could or would look up to me for anything. But I know that what I've experienced in the last year is something I want to share, so I need to get over that stuff. I love myself now.
    What I'm reading in your writing is your heart, your compassion---it's a wonderful thing Bear Friend---it's beautiful. I understand where you're coming from, wanting to help this gentleman. Every time I see someone who looks absolutely miserable it reminds me of me at over 500 pounds. I was a miserable wreck of a human being.
    You are beautiful inside and out.
    It's our compassion for others that really shines bright when we have these feelings for strangers. But it is risky to approach anyone on the subject of losing weight. I've learned that if they're not reaching out and asking for direction---chances are they're not ready to hear what I have to say. I hate just walking by, but sometimes you have no choice.

    Thank you friend,
    my best always---and if you ever need anything, you let me know.


  6. I hope that you will be able to stay positive, and get to that meeting. It is a struggle to keep going somedays. I so sympathize with your feelings.

    Sean is a true inspiration, and I think that anyone who googles Sean will learn a lot.

    I think it's wonderful that you noticed that man, and felt compassion for him.

    Take care.

  7. Congratulations on finding an OA group you can go to. I'm sure having the support of people who really understand what you're going through will be a big help - and having some where specific to go will help you with the agoraphobia as well.I really hope that it works for you.
    And I'm with Sean and Diane, its fantastic that even when you've been feeling so down yourself you can notice and feel compassion for someone else in pain, you really are an amazing person!

  8. I will be doing OA too so we can do it together!

  9. I have thought about joining OA many times, can't wait to hear how it goes! Great idea to call the OA leader, that is a smart way to make yourself accountable for going! As you know, I am just off a 2 week binge, and after just two days of healthy eating, I feel 100% better!!! My jeans a still tight, but now I know I'm on the right track again, If I can do it, so can you!!!

  10. It's a good thing I read your blog or I wouldn't have known about your big plans. Please follow through on them, even though it is hard to do.

  11. Hi friend -

    Just wanted to say I'm looking forward to hearing more from you soon! Stay're moving in the right direction.

    Hugs, Leslie


All comments gratefully appreciated!