Hi Guys. I was in my local store a couple of evenings ago and saw a guy looking around the shop with a sort of wild look on his face. He looked at me with this weird expression for a few moments and at first I was worried he was looking at me in particular because I'm such a mess - unwashed hair with massive roots showing, glasses on, - haven't worn my contact lenses since this bingeing episode started weeks and weeks ago - and pudgey face. Then he looked away and I was grateful and got on with making my selections. It was only afterwards I realised this guy was looking round quite wildly because he was frightened. And I realised that I often do what he was doing when I go anywhere where there are other human beings; looking to see if anyone is looking at how bad I look.
I've never seen him before, but he looked like a well to do 40 something businessman with a smart shirt and trousers on. So the reason for his fear? He was only a whisker away from bursting the seams on everything he was wearing. I've never seen a man wearing such tight clothes ever before. He was only getting the trousers done up with a very tight belt round the waist which created a large dent in his rotund figure. He was obviously very embarrassed about his size. He must have put on quite a bit of weight fairly recently and not yet upsized his clothes. I really felt for the guy - my trousers are particularly tight over the butt right now and I am in very tight belt territory myself. And afterwards I did think, would it be rude to tell a total stranger to Google Sean Anderson?
What can I tell you? I have been bingeing on chocolate, crisps, sandwiches and a few muffins since Friday night. Yesterday I felt OK during the day, let off the hook, freedom to eat what I want. I felt good. But today, of course, I feel not so good.
I managed to wash my hair - which I hate doing because it's half an hour bent over the sink with my hands above my head. But I got through it quite easily yesterday. I still have to dye it. That job takes over 2 hours altogether. I need to get it done tomorrow - I don't feel up to it today. I need to have clean hair but also a slight layer of grease on my scalp to protect my skin from all the chemicals. Otherwise all the skin flakes off my scalp. I use a herbalish dye - Herbatint - which has less chemicals than most dyes and is safe for use in pregnancy and chemotherapy - but I still end up with a swollen face afterwards. It's much less worse than the usual chemical dyes though - with those I always have nasty spots on my face afterwards as well as the swelling, and feel that it takes 48 hours for all the poison to be processed out of my system.
The downside with Herbatint is that it takes a long time to "take". At least 45 minutes. Because I have long hair it takes 15 minutes to put it on, then the 45 min wait, then rinsing it out, then washing with the special neutralising shampoo (essential otherwise the hair has a funny texture afterwards), then conditioning (again essential) and final rinsing. So that's a whole hour of rinsing, washing, rinsing, conditioning, rinsing. A whole hour of being bent over with my hands over my head. Horrible. But necessary. What we do for "beauty" eh? Ha ha!
I have often thought about having my hair cut short so I could wash it so much easier, but I've never done it. Big hair is great for "hiding" behind, and for balancing out a big body.
I've found a local OA group which meets on Thursday evenings. I'm going to ring the co-ordinator tomorrow. As long as she expects me to turn up then I will feel duty bound to do so. It's always easier for me to get out when I'm meeting someone.
They also hold art classes at the same venue so I'm going to get the info on those too. The Autumn term should be starting soon.
I feel quite positive about the prospect of doing these new things. But tomorrow when I try to put my trousers on it'll be a different story ...
July 18th, 2018 Intention and Expectation
4 hours ago