Monday, 7 September 2009

Slightly better, sadly no will power involved

Hi Guys. Thank you to those fellow bloggers who left messages of support after the last post. Your support means the whole world to me.

Just seen a brilliant ad on TV where a woman is getting a quote from a plumber (with a bad case of workman's bum!) and before he delivers the catastrophic news ie how much it's going to cost, an airbag inflates from her stomach to cushion her against the blow! And my only thought on watching this was that I have a built in airbag on me at the moment in the shape of my swollen stomach. There's a whole load of stuff in there about people using fat as a defence against the world ...

Anyway, as it says in the title, things are slightly better. I am eating a more moderate amount of food. But sadly this has nothing to do with will power or strength or resolve of any kind, and everything to do with me feeling really ill since Friday. On Friday morning I got up feeling very hungry - probably as a result of the sudden exertion on Thursday ie being out for a few hours - and so I ate a lot, a mountain of food for "breakfast", and felt incredibly ill afterwards for the rest of the day. And since then I have simply been unable to eat to excess again due to feeling so ill and having quite a bit of stomach pain.

I'd so like to say it was a conscious decision, that I was at last making sensible choices, better choices etc. But that is not the case. I am just being physically prevented from binge eating at the moment. It makes me think a lot of Lisa's decision (see Less of Lisa on blog list) to consider going for a gastric band.

What you eat, when you eat, how much you eat is all about habit. Once you are in a good habit it's quite easy to keep going - unless something upsets the apple cart of course (which is what always happens to me) - but if life gives me an even chance, with nothing too stressful going on I can keep it up. In fact I actually enjoy the challenge of having boxes to tick every day and getting into bed at the end of the day and being able to tick all those boxes. It gives you a sense of achievement. Even when I cry every step of a walk due to the pain of my psoriasis - and I've done plenty of that earlier this year - I can enjoy the immense satisfaction afterwards that I've actually done it.

So the problem isn't doing it, but getting into it in the first place. Getting into the habit of eating much less and moving far more - getting to that place is very difficult. Because every aspect of your being is set up to expect large amounts of food and/or calorie dense foods, both physically and psychologically. To overturn all those expectations is really hard work, igoring your body's constant demands for food, and doing exercise which (at first) as you're doing it just makes you feel really bad physically, requires an iron will. If you are not in a place of any psychological strength at the start then it can become insurmountable.

As you may have guessed, dear reader, I am not in a place of any psychological strength right now. Therefore the facility of willpower is not readily available to me.

So my body is, for once, giving me a helping hand in making me too ill to eat too much in one go.


  1. I think you just take what you have right now and make the best of it, which you are doing. It's awful to feel ill and I'm sorry you have to deal with that, but as you've said there is something positive coming out of it at least.
    Hopefully by the time you are feeling better your body will have adjusted to less food and you will be able to maintain it. Hugs

  2. I'm so sorry that you're feeling ill, but at the same time glad you can see a positive side. I hope that this is enough to break that horrible cycle where one binge leads so easily into another... perhaps then you'll be able to stay on track more easily through your own efforts.
    I just also want to say that though you don't think you are in a place of psychological strength at the moment, I feel you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Things have been so hard for you lately but you haven't given up, and that's what really matters. And you are so supportive and compassionate as well, even while struggling yourself - its a shame that you can't see yourself from the outside, I think you'd find so much to feel positive about if you could.
    Feek better soon xxx

  3. I know that desire for food to make me feel better emotionally. Luckily, it stops for me after one portion and that is enough for me. I am satisfied. I hope you get to that point too. I am not skinny, nor do I feel the need to be, but it's nice to be healthy and I think that's what you want. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

  4. So sorry to hear you're sick right now. I need to tell you though....losing this weight is NOT insurmountable for you. Your fat cells are no different from my fat cells. Your desire to binge is no stronger than my desire to binge. You are not alone girlfriend. We're both 37 years old, we're both fat, and we both have it in us to do the work to get the weight off. I know you have your struggles....believe me, I've got a crapload of my own....but we both have it in us to beat Obesity. Let's join together and get it done. Let's win this battle! Onward!

  5. Chris is right, you know. Things are tough for you but you haven't given up. You are stronger than you think, and you have insight and self knowledge, as well as compassion for others. One day at a time, my friend.


All comments gratefully appreciated!