Post Orlistat

Well I managed to break the fatty food habit for this week. I used the Orlistat method over the weekend and I've been suitably turned off fatty food. Of course it helped that the morning after the first 2 doses I woke up to an unfortunate accident with horrid orange gloop all over a sheet and the duvet I sleep on (mattress is so lumpy I sleep on top of 2 duvets). I was very glad it didn't go onto the mattress itself - at least I was able to wash away the damage - but it was a scary and disgusting way to start the day.

Luckily I only had to take it for 3 days to have the desired effect in my head. But that was traumatic enough. How people take it for months on end I have no idea. Presumably someone will (or maybe has?) invented a suitably shaped anal sanitary towel to deal with this problem. Sorry for the disgustingness of that idea!! Just being practical .... and there is a market out there for such a product ...

In my last post I talked about being unable to take the Orlistat. So what changed? Well, I reached the point where I was so distressed about the situation, about not being able to leave the house because I am so embarrassed about how much weight I have put on, about my fatness being on view to the whole world because it has been too hot here to go out without my mac on; the idea of my shame being exposed to the whole world just got too overwhelming.

And then there's my psoriasis. Every time I binge the areas of psoriasis literally burn afterwards. 6 weeks ago before I started this bingeing episode it was only on my hands and feet. Now it is all over my body and very very itchy. This is due entirely to eating rubbish. It will probably take quite a long time to calm down. And that's only if I can keep myself on the straight and narrow.

Yesterday I had an appointment and so had to go out. As I've barely been out in the last few weeks this was quite a big deal. It took me at least an hour to put together something to wear - some turned up Topshop cargo pants which I had bought the last time I was big and thought I'd never wear again (I had thought what a waste of money they were ... I wish) and a loose Monsoon silk shirt over ribbed vest top. I did the lower buttons of the shirt up to cover my large stomach but as it was thin silk I don't know how effective the disguise was!

I amazed myself by doing quite OK while I was out. I even went and did some shopping afterwards at a centre near the hospital which I usually never visit - which might sound really brave given my agoraphobia, but that was easier than using shops where I am known because at least strangers won't be looking at me and thinking how much weight I've suddenly put on.

Because I felt OK at the time I was able to do Good Shopping - rice cakes, sugar free jam, dried fruit, raspberries and strawberries, ham and turkey, fat free cottage cheese, a little salad, fat free yoghurt. And because I was calm I wasn't tempted by anything I shouldn't be buying. As I've said before, it's all in the shopping.

Bingeing hell; time to return to normal life

Just seen some research which explains why bingeing is so addictive - it creates opioids in areas of the brain linked to that behaviour (see http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/159011.php . I have noticed that I literally get a hit from eating fatty sugary food. And that I can cut out this hit by using orlistat. It takes two to three days for this to happen but then I don't crave it anymore.

I take two or three capsules per binge or sometimes more (this is an overdose but it is only for 2 to 3 days). I break the capsules open and tap the powder out onto a spoon to take because the colouring in the capsules (bright blue) makes me feel quite ill. Also this enables the stuff to get to work straight away which means the maximum amount of fat is absorbed, which is important for this method to work.

So, knowing this, why don't I just take the orlistat? I almost did this evening after consuming a magnum double caramel, a galaxy bar, a box of Milk Tray, a box of cherry and chocolate biscuits and a packet of Party Rings. But I just couldn't do it.

Why?

I have been massively overeating, bingeing and literally eating all day long for the past 5 weeks. It's feeling really awful now. So many times I have desperate to stop. I have begged myself to stop, but just been unable.

It's like being led through life like a beast with a ring through it's nose; dragged along by my blood sugar levels, and the need for a fat hit in my brain.

But now I feel like a complete mess. I've put on loads of weight and I'm covered in horrible itchy psoriasis. So I am a wobbly blotchy itchy mess.

Everything has been subserviant to the out of control toddler (the uncontrollable Id). I've only been cleaning my teeth twice a week. I've been eating in the night, going to bed in the middle of the night, only washed my hair three times in the last five weeks. The toddler complains everytime I even have to get up out of the chair or go to the loo. Doing anything at all becomes very difficult. Apart from eating of course.

JC (Jonathan Cainer) is always right of course - my horoscope says that it's no good eating 2 meals now just because you were hungry earlier and had nothing to eat. He suggests I now move on from the recent trauma. He is so right! I need to move on from here.

I am at the stage now where it's all in the shopping. If I don't buy the food I can't eat it. Simple as that. It's just a case of being strong while I go round the supermarket and not popping out to the convenience store late a night to stock up on rubbish.

I say 'popping out' as though it's the easiest thing in the world but as a sufferer from agoraphobia it is only a very strong desire for food that would drive me out in the first place! But if I have enough good or 'safe' food in then I won't step over the threshold in any hurry.

It's definitely time to move on from here and return to normal life, rather than just sitting around eating.