Well I managed to break the fatty food habit for this week. I used the Orlistat method over the weekend and I've been suitably turned off fatty food. Of course it helped that the morning after the first 2 doses I woke up to an unfortunate accident with horrid orange gloop all over a sheet and the duvet I sleep on (mattress is so lumpy I sleep on top of 2 duvets). I was very glad it didn't go onto the mattress itself - at least I was able to wash away the damage - but it was a scary and disgusting way to start the day.
Luckily I only had to take it for 3 days to have the desired effect in my head. But that was traumatic enough. How people take it for months on end I have no idea. Presumably someone will (or maybe has?) invented a suitably shaped anal sanitary towel to deal with this problem. Sorry for the disgustingness of that idea!! Just being practical .... and there is a market out there for such a product ...
In my last post I talked about being unable to take the Orlistat. So what changed? Well, I reached the point where I was so distressed about the situation, about not being able to leave the house because I am so embarrassed about how much weight I have put on, about my fatness being on view to the whole world because it has been too hot here to go out without my mac on; the idea of my shame being exposed to the whole world just got too overwhelming.
And then there's my psoriasis. Every time I binge the areas of psoriasis literally burn afterwards. 6 weeks ago before I started this bingeing episode it was only on my hands and feet. Now it is all over my body and very very itchy. This is due entirely to eating rubbish. It will probably take quite a long time to calm down. And that's only if I can keep myself on the straight and narrow.
Yesterday I had an appointment and so had to go out. As I've barely been out in the last few weeks this was quite a big deal. It took me at least an hour to put together something to wear - some turned up Topshop cargo pants which I had bought the last time I was big and thought I'd never wear again (I had thought what a waste of money they were ... I wish) and a loose Monsoon silk shirt over ribbed vest top. I did the lower buttons of the shirt up to cover my large stomach but as it was thin silk I don't know how effective the disguise was!
I amazed myself by doing quite OK while I was out. I even went and did some shopping afterwards at a centre near the hospital which I usually never visit - which might sound really brave given my agoraphobia, but that was easier than using shops where I am known because at least strangers won't be looking at me and thinking how much weight I've suddenly put on.
Because I felt OK at the time I was able to do Good Shopping - rice cakes, sugar free jam, dried fruit, raspberries and strawberries, ham and turkey, fat free cottage cheese, a little salad, fat free yoghurt. And because I was calm I wasn't tempted by anything I shouldn't be buying. As I've said before, it's all in the shopping.
July 18th, 2018 Intention and Expectation
4 hours ago