Thursday, 27 August 2009


Hi everyone. Well there would have been a post last night but when I had all but completed it I managed to press a button and lost the whole lot. Couldn't get it back. And I really wanted to type it all out again immediately while I still had it all in my mind, but I was just too tired at 1am to do it.

I did manage my walk on Mon night and it was wonderful! I didn't manage to get out until 5 to 10 but when I got outside the gate it was so delightful ... lovely and cool and dark and very few people around. I started walking through the streets not knowing how far I would be going. I was listening to George Michael - Patience. There's been a love affair there since I was 11 and heard Careless Whisper! I was almost happy enough to be dancing down the street, but sadly it was nearer waddling ...

I managed quite a decent walk up a hill and then back again. Totally chilled out with George crooning in my ears. Bliss! When I got back I had fish, veg and salad. I was really pleased with myself! Bed at 4am.

Tue I didn't manage to get out but had a bit of exercise doing my laundry going up and down stairs as the washer is in the basement and my flat is in the attic. I had a proper evening meal again. Bed at 3am.

Wed was more difficult. I was too scared to go out during the day but badly need to as I had nothing in for a healthy eve meal. Later on as I was just psyching myself up for the dreaded trip outdoors I heard noise downstairs - they were having a bit of a party. I just couldn't face walking past, being seen by so many people (potentially).

I was so upset. I realised I was quite agitated from not having had any exercise.

All the time I was bingeing I was very hot and very agitated. I was putting so much energy into myself and there was nowhere for it to go - except in heat and agitation of the mind. I was unable to walk any of it off due to agoraphobia, embarrassment over my size and just a complete disinclination to do anything or go anywhere.

I often slept very little - only 3 hours a night - and never wanted to get into bed. My mind never wanted to shut off. The toddler inside never wanted to go to bed - why is it that kids hate having to go to bed? I don't know. But when the toddler has the upper hand making myself get into bed is a real struggle.

My target bedtime for wed had been 2am but I only made it into bed at 3am. At least it's a lot better than 6 or 7am. I am going to try for 2am tonight. And the last couple of nights I have wanted to get into bed.

My title for yesterday was "Normalizing?" My eating is certainly a lot better. I haven't binged now for over a week. It has been in my mind at times. Many times.

Last week I was concentrating on readjusting my body to come off high fat/ high sugar foods. And to stop bingeing. And I was successful in both those aims. I ate a lot of carbs (rice cakes, corn cakes, rivita, Readybrek) sugar free jam, a little honey, ham and turkey, plenty of fruit and sugar free yoghurt. But I didn't restrict the amount I ate and it doesn't take a genius to work out that 4 meals a day each coming in at over 1000 calories (minimum) is still going to put on weight. But it was about re-educating my taste buds and stomach without feeling deprived of calories.

So this week I am concentrating on cutting down on the amount of carbs and having my eve meal of fish, veg and salad. I am on 6 bowls of Readybrek or ground rice porridge a day + some fruit + eve meal. Still too much. I hope soon to be down to three bowls a day.

Despite still eating quite large amounts the puffiness in my face has gone down a little bit which does make me feel a little more confident in facing the world. And because I am no longer eating wheat the swelling of my bowel has gone down some too. I can't tolerate wheat and it always makes my whole bowel swell up. But that doesn't stop me eating it when I binge of course.

And my skin has started to look dramatically better as well - despite only having taken one antihistamine a day the last few days. This tells me my body needs veg and salad and it needs regular exercise. Although I still have psoriasis on my hands and feet whatever I do. It's PPP psoriasis which is incredibly treatment resistant.

So all this looks like good progress .... But can I keep going?

Well today hasn't been so good so far. I am too frightened to go out yet again. I am thinking I'll have to self harm to be able to get myself out the door - and I won't even attempt it for a couple of hours yet. I get to the stage where I'm so angry at myself, so pissed off and frustrated that I just have to let all that anger out. And no, thumping a pillow doesn't do anything for me!

This morning I had 4 bowls of Readybrek made only with water as I am virtually out of milk. And then because I was frightened about not being able to get out and get anymore food - I have pretty well nothing in to eat at all - I started thinking of what I did have - a tin of salmon, a tin of baked beans and a packet of new potatoes in herb butter. And I was so frightened over the prospect of not getting out today that I ate all all the potatoes (I don't even like potatoes) and 1/2 the baked beans and 1/2 the salmon. It doesn't sound like that much looking at it now. But I was in a state and upset that I'd eaten stuff I didn't need and didn't want to eat and I'd already had too much Readybrek ... so I threw it back up ... worrying all the time that not enough was coming back up... And then of course that just made me feel like crying...

So now I have been blogging rather than crying ...

I still have to face the outdoors but it is very overcast now so I feel confident that I will make it out there - whether self harming or no. But now I am worried that I will buy binge foods and undo all the good work over the last week or so.

The bingeing has been hovering in my mind all the time of course. I have been able to resist. But right now I don't know ...

Reading this back just now it probably seems strange that someone with agoraphobia can enjoy a walk, but my problem is mainly the terror of going outside. Once I get out there sometimes I don't feel too bad. But the fear of crossing the threshold is incredible, like a stone wall in front of me stopping me getting out. And this fear of going over the threshold is not linked to my weight at all. It's like that whatever size I am. The stress I experience when I get out there though, that is more linked to how I look. If I am bigger then I am worried about people looking at me, at seeing people I know, upset that I look such a mess etc.

It's 6pm now and time to face the dreaded outdoors. Wish me luck ...


  1. Well, I'm wishing you luck...good luck! Keep on trying to limit your bingeing, I have found that cutting out wheat and sugar completely worked wonders for me. No more bloating.

  2. Good luck with getting out of the house today, I know you can do it.
    Well done on cutting down the binging, that was a big thing for me but when I focussed on doing that and nothing else I found it easier.

  3. Hi Friend,

    You can keep going, even when you think you can't. I'm telling you that so I can hear it myself, as I'm feeling very shaky and like I'm losing my resolve to stay on the healthy course. I've had a lot of anxiety lately, and it's really muddying up my mind.

    Sounds like you are clearly moving in the direction you desire...better a day at a time. Even if your mind tells you you're not or that you can't, just do it anyway. You sound good!

  4. Hi there! I have so many questions for you...please email me at the email address listed on my blog....can't wait to talk to you...hopefully tomorrow?? :)

  5. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a bad time right now. Especially when you have made such big strides with the eating. I think that could actually be a sign of the progress you're making - you are changing what you're doing, moving into less familiar waters, and making changes is always scary. Maybe the way you're feeling is your body's way of persuading you to cling on to the 'safe' habits that its more comfortable with?
    This might sound like avoidance, but I wondered if you were able to exercise indoors and order in healthy groceries when the agoraphobia is particularly hard? Maybe if at those times you could build up your strength and well-being without forcing yourself to face all your demons at once, you would be better able to cope with the bad? I'm sorry if that sounds like superficial rubbish, I know that I don't really know what you're going through, I just wish I could help!
    Good luck with the walk, we're all rooting for you!

  6. Your story really triggered some things for me. I tend to go out very late at night for a walk to the local 24 hour store. I "can" be in and around people, but like today when I went shopping at normal hours it just was so much buzz and stuff going on... it's overwhelming.

    Also about going past your neibors. I got yelled at "repulsive" buy a guy in a pick-up truck the other day. Not that I care that much what he thinks but it did sting.

    Hey this is a struggle... that's why I nicknamed my blog foolsfitness. I feel silly most of the time, it can be a real whirlwind.

    If I can say anything wise... just make one "better" choice and then another. It's not any single one but a total of thousands. I figure I've got to walk somewhere so I'm going to try to step forward more times than backward.

    Foolsfitness- Alan

  7. Thank you so much for your very supportive and helpful comments on my blogs. I appreciate them more than you know.

    I hope you were able to go outside and get that one walk in. I understand about not wanting to step out of the front door. I have many days like that, it literally scares me. Most times, once I'm out I'm okay, but I have to have anxiety medication on hand, just in case. I have to work and I have to get my girls to their appointments.

    I have been so frustrated with my weight lately. I just can't seem to get started with a program. I'm eating lots of bran cereal and fruit and yogurt, but I know I need something more structured or I'll be on an eating frenzy very soon. I want to set a good example for my girls, so I feel like I fail them and myself. It all just gets so overwhelming at times.

    Anyway, you know the best way is to take it day by day or hour by hour. Glad you blogged your feelings, so much healthier. You are not alone.


All comments gratefully appreciated!