Monday, 24 August 2009

Walk with The Bear

Oh dear. I have just written a very long comment on escapefromobesity (see blog list) and it makes me feel so embarassed. I have always been great at responding to other people's stuff rather than focussing on my own sh*t. It was just the same when I went to a (quasi) therapy group. I hardly ever talked about myself. I focussed intensely on everyone else's problems. It's always much easier to think things through and come up with a reasoned response when the problem comes out of someone else's mouth (or keyboard). Because of this I always thought I'd make a great psychotherapist, but just one little spanner in the works - I'm too much of a f**kup myself to ever be taken seriously in that sphere. This is really annoying!

At least thinking about Lyn's stuff is helping me get further forward myself as we are both battling our weight, whereas the therapy group was filled with people with very diverse problems - none of which related to eating - so I didn't really get that much from it in that sense.

I did get to see The Bear yesterday but only after a long wait. He had told me to ring him between 3 and 4pm to arrange meeting up. So after getting up at 2pm (I only got into bed at 7am and slept badly) I had a reasonable breakfast and then read blogs all afternoon. I didn't want to have anymore to eat as I knew I would end up eating too much and so not be able to go outside as my stomach would be too big to get into the only summer clothes I have that fit (yes that's how bad things are). It enabled me to see that I am able to stop eating if I really want something bad enough - and I really did want to see The Bear. And also that reading blogs is a great distraction from eating! I love reading them - my new obsession?

Anyway, it turned out that The Bear had only gone to bed at 8am and so I didn't get to meet up with him until 7.30 in the evening - a long time to go without food! But I wanted to see him so bad that I wasn't going to mess it up. All I had was 2 bananas. And I felt OK.

We went for a walk together 1/2 an hour up a hill and then back. We sat on a bench together at the top looking out onto distant hills as dusk fell. He ate some chips he'd bought on the way but luckily he didn't offer me any! - which I think was because I'd said about how much weight I'd put on and how upset I was about it.

He chuntered on in his usual fashion about computing and photography and all the people he knows etc. I never get to discuss my own stuff with him - beyond a line or two I manage to lever in when he pauses for breath. But I accepted that a long time ago - he can't take on my stuff on top of his own. He just can't cope with it. Most people think this is so unsatisfactory that I shouldn't bother seeing him anymore. But I love him and without him I probably wouldn't still be alive right now. He's kept me going just by being him. He can only be himself - he can't be something he's not afterall.

I was really impressed by the fact that I was able to do this walk. There is always the danger after a sudden burst of exercise that I will binge because it's such a shock to the system after weeks of sitting indoors all day. We went to a shop on the way back and I did Good Shopping until the guy on the till was putting it thru and then I went to the freezer and got a choc covered ice cream for both of us. That one item is the only bad thing I've eaten in a week apart from a small choc bar. And the choc bar was followed by 2 orlistat so no damage. But because I didn't take any tablets with the ice cream I got the fat hit and it was amazing to me after that how I started fantasising about food etc like a mini rush in my brain. But luckily I was still walking with The Bear around town for 30 mins after I'd eaten it so I didn't get the chance to act on those feelings, and they weren't actually reinforced by eating behaviour. The unstoppable train didn't get to leave the station that day.

It is now 9pm here and I'm not sure whether I should go out on a walk or not. And whether if I do I will be able to eat safely and sanely afterwards.

I'll let you know what happens...


  1. Just hang in're on the path. And as for the regretting something you wrote in a comment - I think that has happened to many of us. Don't beat yourself up. Stay in today as it is the only place where we can live. Can't really change what already happened, and can't predict what will be tomorrow. Immerse yourself in each moment as it presents itself. You're doing fine.

  2. Hi,
    Just realised you'd left me some comments on my new blog! Thanks so much, you have really made my day to know that someone is interested in reading about my journey. I didn't even know if I'd set my blog up right and how anyone would find it to read in the first place lol. I've adjusted a few settings now but hope it's all ok while I find my way around.
    Have bookmarked your blog and become a follower also and will enjoy reading about your journey so far over the next couple of days.

  3. Hi FOB. I read your comment on the other blog and I was so interested in what you said that I popped over to visit yours as well. The healthcare reform debate going on in the USA is fascinating to an outsider. Here in NZ we have a similar system to the NHS. Some differences, but healthcare is mostly free. I am addicted to blogreading too - so many blogs, too little time!

  4. Hang in there you can win this race!! that really isnt a race but a change of lifestyle and over all a change in ones self and the awards that come with that are soooo amazing...I want to see you at the finish line when all your goals are complete and Im gonna be with you cause now I am a follower wanna see how your day to day goes...

  5. Hi, I just wanted you to know that I've become a follower and will be reading your blog every day from now on. It will be interesting to keep track of your journey through life, as you do with mine.Take good care of yourself and watch those addictions :)


All comments gratefully appreciated!