Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Quite a bit of walking and some pottery!

Hi Folks. The last week has been pretty rough. I had a couple of days when I was suicidal. And a couple more of feeling very depressed and helpless about everything. On the up side I have been getting out and about a lot - mainly though not entirely with the Bear. And I started pottery classes!

The lady who helps me get out has accompanied me twice to a class at a little private studio where they only charge 5 pounds a session - a session being up to 3 hours. Pretty good value. I'm going with her again tomorrow. I couldn't even think of what I was going to make before the session, but as soon as I got there I spotted a bhuddist type of candle holder (not made of clay) and decided to take inspiration from that. I was amazed at how easily I got into it. I was completely absorbed in the process very quickly. It's as though everything else from my mind vanished and there was only this moment and the clay I was working with. I loved it! I hope to finish my candleholder tomorrow. My hope is that I can do something very clever with the glazes to cover any inadequacies there might be in the sculpting! I also already have my next item planned - a vase. I will post photos as I finish things.

I am seeing the Bear quite a lot these days. He has been spending a lot of time out and about as a way of avoiding Mrs Bear - since their big public argument. Last week he spent many hours talking about leaving her, but I think things have calmed down now.

Being out with the Bear does tend to get me moving. We always walk somewhere, and even if not a long walk - any walk is better than just sitting at home. Which is what I'd be doing otherwise. Even gentle walking with plenty of standing around burns a lot more calories than sitting.

We've been up to the university grounds again taking photographs, some of which are below. Today we walked around that area again and the Bear kept complaining that the hills were killing him etc etc etc. But I keep reminding him it's good for his heart.

The down side is the near constant grumpiness and also the chips. The Bear never eats breakfast, or anything at all before I meet up with him in the afternoon and is therefore always starving and wanting to visit a fish and chip shop. Last week I realised that I was eating about half his chips every day - and he had started buying a large portion to compensate for what I was eating. Not good. And then there are the meals out. I mean the proper meals in pubs in the evenings. With chips. And many other high fat options. I decided to draw a line under this behaviour. I am happy to walk, drink tea and coffee, and sit outside with the Bear as much as he wants, but I will not be eating any more meals out. Because I don't really enjoy the food that much and it's costing me a lot of money to eat calories I don't need.

So today we went to M and S cafe and had drinks but no food as I refused to pay and the Bear won't pay their prices. After that he had to get some chips but I didn't tuck in with him and only had a very few at the end which he left. Then we went on a walk up and around a hill ending by sitting on a bench with a long view over the hills. Then we walked back down the hill, through the uni grounds and around town. A good lot of walking!

I had my evening meal at home of a less than 400cals thai curry and rice with a pyrex dish of veg. Followed by a Muller light yoghurt.

With the sudden boiling hot weather I am really motivated to reign my eating in and establish a good routine. Which is just as well because I can't even fit into Biggest Ever Trousers and am having wear jersey stretch trousers to encase my bulk. I also cannot see myself removing my coat in public any time soon which is a real drag. I manage to take it off at pottery class by immediately putting a very large apron on which I kid myself sort of disguises my size. I rely on my delusions!
Some sort of bog plant

I tried to take some pictures of these ducks but they weren't ready for their close up and protested loudly while waddling away from me.   
A tree with amazing peeling bark which the Bear informed me is a Eucalyptus tree.

Magnolias. They seem to grow especially well in this part of the country. Where I am from in the north they are very rare and difficult to grow.  

There were many petals as well as furry bud casings on the ground - which I think look like abandoned mouse coats!


  1. what lovely pictures and the pottery class sounds good for the soul...glad you feel better

  2. First, yuk to the abandoned mouse coats and I'm in love with the magnolias which made me think of the movie "steel magnolias." Bear friend... I do not understand suicide. I cannot imagine what its like to even contemplate it. I imagine things have been rough and I cannot imagine what life is like dealing with mental illness but it breaks my heart to think of you taking your life. I feared this when you were absent for such a long time.... How would I know if something happened to you.

    Are you seeing your healer? I'm relieved that you are taking the pottery classes. I totally connected with how you said it clears your mind.. pulling weeds is the only time my mind stops thinking. So I can understand this and hope you continue taking these classes.

    Please reach out to someone for help. Someone qualified to assist you. Perhaps adjusting medication? Anyways, I'll stop preaching. Just concerned and you are strong and beautiful just like the magnolias in your pictures.

    Oh and I still can't get over the mouse fur. You crack me up. I think its funny that you would share... luv your sense of humor.

  3. I've been wondering where you've been!!!! You absolutely MUST draw the line at the suicidal thoughts...just as you were strong enough and cared enough about yourself to draw the line at eating the high-calorie, fat-laden foods when you're out and about. You're just too important...your life means too much....suicide is not an option. When you get to feeling that way, call your healer...call the Bear and go out for a walk...or email any one of us that follow your blog. We'd all love to speak to you and help you through a hard time. I want you to know that!

    The photos are beautiful....I especially love magnolias...they are my favorite trees due to their large, gorgeous blossoms. They remind me of my childhood, as we had several of these trees in our yard when I was growing up. And pottery class sounds like tremendously wonderful therapy for you....just like the ocean is for me. I'm glad you started those classes, and I hope you'll continue! Can't wait to see the pics of your new creations! :)

  4. I also especially love magnolias and have planted several varieties in my garden.

    Good for you in stopping with the chips - why should you pay for the Bear's bad choices? eat some good protein before you go out and then you won't be tempted to scoff any of his leftover chips because you won't be hungry.

    The more you care for yourself the more your body will respond to the care you give it and the better you will feel about yourself. Then hopefully suicidal thoughts will recede and go away. Or something!

    Remember dear Bearfriend, you have lots of friends who care about you out here in Blogland!

  5. so lovely to see your photos again! :)

    I am so busy, but wanted to stop and say that I consider knowing you a gift.

    I took pottery several summers ago and often miss it!

  6. Gret job with the walking and avoiding the chips. :) I take it those are fries? lol

  7. the pics are lovely!! just seeing them and feeling the spring air makes me love life. its such a precious gift from such a good God who loves us so very much. i hope that you can find the courage to embrace the gift of life God has given you and dare to dream again. God has a good plan for your life. Sometimes we don't see far ahead, but just around the corner there are incredible opportunities ahead. God has such a good plan for you and so many happy days to come. Reach out to Him and He will hold you close. Keeping you in my heart and prayers!!

  8. Oh, Bearfriend, I am sorry to hear that things were not going well, to the point of scary. I hope you have someone to turn to when that happens. We are all virtually here for you, but I hope you have someone physically, too.

    And good for you on cutting back. Bear can buy his own fries/chips. The walking will help too. I know. (She said, 10 pounds lighter...)

    I love the mouse coat idea! It does look, just so! Nice pictures, generally.


  9. I'm sorry you went through such a difficult time without talking about it. It seems we both did at the same time, but I made it public. You mustn't suffer so by yourself, but reach out for people. We are here to help you in any way possible. You must trust the process and expect that somewhere there will be help. I think the Bear is very draining for you, even though he does get you out of the house.

    It's great news about the pottery class. I knew you would enjoy that. You are just the type for it. I can't wait to see what you've made.

    The photo's are lovely. You do a good job. It's a good idea to photograph your surroundings and see the beauty in it. It probably perks you up a bit.

    Hugs. XXX

  10. Hi Bearfriend. Its nice to meet you, and thankyou for your comment. I've had the pleasure of reading a few of your back posts, and love your courage and honesty to tell it like it is, wry sense of humour, and the photos of your part of the world. Cracked me up reading about the mouse coat...but I do agree with you! LOL! Liana.

  11. BearFriend, I very much appreciate these photos.
    The tree which is also present in the last picture is really amazing.

    I know it takes time and efforts in capturing and publishing.
    You are doing it nicely.
    Best Wishes!


All comments gratefully appreciated!