Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Sincere thanks

Dear dear Friends - It has been a long time! I am so sorry to have been absent so long. Thank you so much for your messages of concern on the blog and via email. Yesterday was the first time I logged into my email in over a month. And today is the first time I have logged into blogger. Thank you for all your sweet messages.

I didn't mean to cause anyone any worry. I have a terrible tendency to isolate myself when things are tough. For my horoscope today Jonathon Cainer said "When we find life painful, we tend to put up barriers. Ultimately, these don't protect us. They just make us even more vulnerable." This is the story of my life. Sincere thanks to those of you who reached out to me.

So, what happened? My grandmother died - but before you leave messages of condolences - there's no need! She was a highly abusive character whom I had ceased to have contact with almost a decade ago. But the death of a major abuse figure is a major life event even though she wasn't a physical prescence in my life anymore. It also means that I am in uncharted territory.

I know what grief for the loss of a person is like - I grieved my mother for 5 years. Obviously I'm not upset that my grandmother is gone. But A LOT of stuff is coming to the surface - a whole lifetimes worth of stuff actually. And things in my head are totally unpredictable.

At first I was in shock and trying to get my head round it - seeing where it left me. Then I went through a time of feeling quite low - because I felt my life hadn't significantly changed in any way and I was disappointed. If she had died, say 3 years ago, I would have been dancing through the streets at the news. But I've been so ill the last couple of years that I've just completely gone beyond it (as the Bear says) ie gone beyond caring about anything very much that was outside my immediate existence.

Then there was a short period of euphoria. But for the last week it's as though my nerves have gone to pieces - I can't stand for very long due to low blood pressure. I have felt like I was going to be sick a lot of the time. I've spent much of the last week in bed.

I am still struggling to find any level ground. For example - yesterday I cried most of the day, then had constantly alternating moods late at night.

"It's a  process!" as Billy Crystal keeps saying in Analyze this (I think it was in the sequel?) I know I will settle down e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y.

I hope all of you lovely people are doing well. I haven't read any blogs yet so I have a lot of catching up to do.

Once again, thank you Dear Friends for all your caring and concern. Bloggers really are the best people in the world!

I'll leave you tonight (as it is here) with images of an ancient oak door - dating from 1500. Appropriate because I hope I am stepping through a door from the past and into a new stage of my life (How's that for a bit of positive spin?!)

A close up on the detail of the carving.


  1. So glad you're back here, Bearfriend. It's been a lo-o-o-ong time, and many of us were genuinely concerned. Sounds like quite an emotional wringer you're going through. As you said, it will eventually settle down.

    Having old wounds reopened - even if just via memory, is so painful and even disabling. When my mom died, I spent about 2 years totally altered, depressed, and developed panic attacks.

    Please just take as good care of yourself as possible, and try not to isolate. Even checking in here every couple of days can help you begin to break out of your own mind. My thoughts and prayers are with you - Hugs - Leslie

  2. BEARFRIEND!!!!!! I was just thinking about you this morning and was about to email.... trippy! I have had people pop up that I thought about weird those connections or coincidences. I wish you felt physically better, but it sounds like you are working through this transition. Make sure you care for yourself best you can with eating and sleep patterns. We have missed you and are glad you are back.

  3. Dear sweet Bearfriend, take very good care of yourself. All those comflicting emtions will trip you up. One hour at the time, I would say. That's about as good as you can get it now it seems. Then one day at the time. It's so very good to see you here again. I've missed you tremendously.

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  5. oops! sorry for the typo above!! I meant to say God grant you grace and peace as you navigate your way through this time. Hugs!

  6. Oh thank God you're back!! I just got your email a little bit ago, but I'll be going to bed soon, so I'll respond tomorrow. MISSED YOU!!! :)

  7. I am so glad you're back and blogging. One day at a time, my friend. Billy was right. It is indeed a process! And thanks for the reassuring email.

    Lovely pics, BTW. Very impressive doors!

  8. You're back! And its lovely to see you putting a positive spin on something that's been so hard for you!
    Those doors are really impressive - and they look big and heavy enough to slam loudly shut on the past as you head into the future!

  9. I'm so glad you're back. Be well.

  10. hello dear friend thanks for informing that you are well ,and hoping for your wonderful writing,and completely agree with your second para,have a blessed life dear and take great care

  11. Oh I've missed your pictures. When I look at that door I can imagine all those vikings walking through. HOw wonderful to live near and around so much history.

    I'm glad you can see the positve bear friend. I have no doubt that you'll work your way through that door and around in no time soon. Be good to yourself and please.... do not isolate yourself so much. As others have mentioned, just checking in trough the blogs now and then may help.

    We're here for you friend...

  12. Hi, Bearfriend!

    Glad to see you are ok. I raise a cup of tea to you, and drink to your doing well. (I like tea...)

    Anyway, hugs to you, and glad you are about the blog again. (Lovely pics of the door, by the way...)


  13. Yay! I'm so glad you're back! I'm sending you a big hug and am thinking about you. (I, too, love the pics!!)

  14. Whew! I am glad you are back! I was worried!

  15. Hi Bearfriend. Its great to have you back. Its nice to know you have left your past. And I am sure, there's a beautiful future waiting for you...:)


All comments gratefully appreciated!